Borderline cannot beat me
Donation protected
I find it difficult to ask for help, but right now, and without wanting to make this crazy dramatic or anything, I need to ask for your help on here, not just because I want to save my own life and not hurt my family any further, but also because I believe that if I get well, I could make a difference and help others too.
I was unable to get help in the UK, but my sister has found an intensive (every weekday 9-5) DBT therapy, that will last 3 to 6 months (depending on funds I can raise), in Germany that people have said has turned their lives around. This is why I am asking for your help. Please. If I can raise funds in time, then I could hopefully get one of only a few places on a course that begins in November 2019.
My first suicide attempt was at the age of 15. Now I am 40, and although I have actually needed help my whole life, I only let myself get diagnosed officially (finally admitted to myself I can no longer do this alone) with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) about a year ago.
Here is the NHS link to more information: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/
There is barely a day that goes by that I don't think this world would be better without me. Every day I am fighting a battle with myself inside to stay alive. I have done it my whole life. It is exhausting and I don’t want to give up, but it is getting more and more difficult. Especially since the hope that came with the promise of help and not having to do this alone doesn’t seem to be here anymore in the UK.
My sister has always fought for me and stood by me. I feel like I have broken her heart countless times because of this illness but she fights for me to stay alive even when my fight has gone. I need to stay alive for my sister and her two small kids.
When I had my last complete breakdown in 2012 and couldn't eat, sleep, function at all, she took me in and gave up work to take care of me. She had just got married in the same year and she told her new husband that there was no chance of them even thinking about having a family until I was okay. I can't do this to her anymore and I don't want to hurt her kids. They are such beautiful souls and I read that if I take my life, then there is an increased risk of 65% that someone else in the family could do it too. Her son tells me I'm his best friend. This is so difficult.
I have also been trying to get my psychology degree from the Open University for about 7 years now, because my panic attacks and self-hatred sabotage my studies. I want to complete it and I want to help others, mainly kids, with borderline.
My whole life I have been running. Hiding. Taking others with me through the highs and hating myself and feeling ashamed and hiding from everybody during the lows. In 40 years I have been unable to have a proper relationship or build any type of community of friends because of the feelings of disgust I have for myself that this illness brings with it. I have friends, but every time something is wrong, I shut them out because I don’t want to bring them down with me and also because I am so ashamed of what I become. I have never been on state benefits and I work when I can, trying to support myself on around 10, 000 per year, from doing seasonal freelancer English teaching work with children in Germany.
A year ago, my doctor said that he wouldn't prescribe me any more pills unless I got the proper help that was on offer because I 'deserve to have a better life'.
I needed to stay in the UK, no more running or hiding, people would actually find out what a f*** up I had always been. I was a mess. But I agreed to do it. This was around May.
I got my first therapist appointment in December. I went for one hour every week, for 5 weeks and I was told to talk about something/ anything from my past that I felt had had an effect on the way I am today, at each session. I was taught no coping strategies for the emotions that came, which I have daily problems controlling anyway. I called the supervisor in tears saying I couldn't do it anymore, that it was making me worse, and I was called in for a meeting to discuss treatment.
At the meeting I was told that there is only limited help for borderline patients available, as they are high risk and many therapists don't want the responsibility. I was also told that they had instead been working towards treating me for depression, and that yes, this approach was most probably the wrong one for me, but they don't treat borderlines anyway, as there is no funding for it, so this was the next best option. I was told that there is some DBT available in the area, but waiting lists are very long and those that get the treatment are the ones that have been seen by A and E a few times. So then when I asked if my determination to NOT get myself into A and E, to fight my fight and not give in to the urges was actually then counting against me, the answer was yes, unfortunately I guess it is.
Suicide rates are far too high and those suffering with mental health issues, especially borderlines in my area need help. I want to get well so that I can help others get well.
I plan to invest any money that is surplus once my treatment costs have been paid (and I will only take for treatment, no living expenses or anything like that) in ventures to help others with BPD.
I will also start a blog when my treatment starts, that will hopefully help others too.
Please help if you can. And please share if you know anyone else that could help.Thank you.
I was unable to get help in the UK, but my sister has found an intensive (every weekday 9-5) DBT therapy, that will last 3 to 6 months (depending on funds I can raise), in Germany that people have said has turned their lives around. This is why I am asking for your help. Please. If I can raise funds in time, then I could hopefully get one of only a few places on a course that begins in November 2019.
My first suicide attempt was at the age of 15. Now I am 40, and although I have actually needed help my whole life, I only let myself get diagnosed officially (finally admitted to myself I can no longer do this alone) with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) about a year ago.
Here is the NHS link to more information: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/
There is barely a day that goes by that I don't think this world would be better without me. Every day I am fighting a battle with myself inside to stay alive. I have done it my whole life. It is exhausting and I don’t want to give up, but it is getting more and more difficult. Especially since the hope that came with the promise of help and not having to do this alone doesn’t seem to be here anymore in the UK.
My sister has always fought for me and stood by me. I feel like I have broken her heart countless times because of this illness but she fights for me to stay alive even when my fight has gone. I need to stay alive for my sister and her two small kids.
When I had my last complete breakdown in 2012 and couldn't eat, sleep, function at all, she took me in and gave up work to take care of me. She had just got married in the same year and she told her new husband that there was no chance of them even thinking about having a family until I was okay. I can't do this to her anymore and I don't want to hurt her kids. They are such beautiful souls and I read that if I take my life, then there is an increased risk of 65% that someone else in the family could do it too. Her son tells me I'm his best friend. This is so difficult.
I have also been trying to get my psychology degree from the Open University for about 7 years now, because my panic attacks and self-hatred sabotage my studies. I want to complete it and I want to help others, mainly kids, with borderline.
My whole life I have been running. Hiding. Taking others with me through the highs and hating myself and feeling ashamed and hiding from everybody during the lows. In 40 years I have been unable to have a proper relationship or build any type of community of friends because of the feelings of disgust I have for myself that this illness brings with it. I have friends, but every time something is wrong, I shut them out because I don’t want to bring them down with me and also because I am so ashamed of what I become. I have never been on state benefits and I work when I can, trying to support myself on around 10, 000 per year, from doing seasonal freelancer English teaching work with children in Germany.
A year ago, my doctor said that he wouldn't prescribe me any more pills unless I got the proper help that was on offer because I 'deserve to have a better life'.
I needed to stay in the UK, no more running or hiding, people would actually find out what a f*** up I had always been. I was a mess. But I agreed to do it. This was around May.
I got my first therapist appointment in December. I went for one hour every week, for 5 weeks and I was told to talk about something/ anything from my past that I felt had had an effect on the way I am today, at each session. I was taught no coping strategies for the emotions that came, which I have daily problems controlling anyway. I called the supervisor in tears saying I couldn't do it anymore, that it was making me worse, and I was called in for a meeting to discuss treatment.
At the meeting I was told that there is only limited help for borderline patients available, as they are high risk and many therapists don't want the responsibility. I was also told that they had instead been working towards treating me for depression, and that yes, this approach was most probably the wrong one for me, but they don't treat borderlines anyway, as there is no funding for it, so this was the next best option. I was told that there is some DBT available in the area, but waiting lists are very long and those that get the treatment are the ones that have been seen by A and E a few times. So then when I asked if my determination to NOT get myself into A and E, to fight my fight and not give in to the urges was actually then counting against me, the answer was yes, unfortunately I guess it is.
Suicide rates are far too high and those suffering with mental health issues, especially borderlines in my area need help. I want to get well so that I can help others get well.
I plan to invest any money that is surplus once my treatment costs have been paid (and I will only take for treatment, no living expenses or anything like that) in ventures to help others with BPD.
I will also start a blog when my treatment starts, that will hopefully help others too.
Please help if you can. And please share if you know anyone else that could help.Thank you.
Organizer
Chrisie Rotter
Organizer