Boobs Bikes and Saving Lives, help a Veteran

Hey, world. My name is Staff Sergeant Amelia Airheart. I served in Operation Iraqi Freedom as a paratrooper, and now, like many of my fellow veterans, I’m facing a different kind of mission—saving my own sanity.

See, after getting out of the military, I realized something: life without combat is way harder than combat. I mean, I’m used to jumping out of planes, dodging bullets, and living on barely enough sleep to keep a raccoon alive. But then I got out and… what, I’m supposed to just hang around in civilian life like some kind of normal human being?

I’ve tried everything the VA gives me to “help” with my mental health: the therapy, the medications, the “mindfulness” apps that think I can solve PTSD with a breath and a Namaste. Nah. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I need something with a little more oomph. Something that screams, “I’m in control of my life now.”

So here’s my idea: Boobs and a motorcycle. Hear me out. I know what you’re thinking: “Amelia, that’s an odd combination.” But trust me, it’s exactly what I need. Allow me to explain:

1. Boobs:

After 7 years of military service, my body has seen more rough treatment than a pair of old Nike Airs. I did my duty, jumped out of planes, crawled through the mud, and fought for my country. But guess what? My boobs stayed the same size the whole time. And while my back is wrecked from carrying heavy rucksacks, my chest has been left… let’s say, disappointing. Not only do I need these bad boys to give me some confidence, but let’s be real: a woman in her 30s who hasn’t had her boobs upgraded in 15 years is like a Honda Civic with 300,000 miles—it gets the job done, but you’re really starting to ask for a lot.

D cups = mental health. The docs can keep prescribing me antidepressants, but a solid set of D cups? Now that’s a mood booster. It’s science.

2. Motorcycle:

Next on the list: A motorcycle. Why? Because after living through some of the most insane situations in Iraq, you’d think civilian life would be a cakewalk, right? Wrong. Turns out, having to deal with traffic, annoying co-workers, and the inevitable existential dread of your mid-30s—well, that doesn’t just get solved by “taking a walk” or journaling about your feelings. Hell no.

What does help? Riding a bike at 100mph with the wind in my face, the engine roaring, and no one telling me when to pee or eat. I just want to feel free again. I need to break out of my mental “safe house” and open that throttle wide. You ever feel the sweet embrace of wind while you’re riding? That’s the same feeling you get when you realize you can’t hear your inner demons screaming over the sound of your bike. Plus, motorcycles are like therapy, only faster and with less talking.

And here’s where it gets interesting, because both boobs and motorcycles have one thing in common: CCs. That’s right. If you’re not familiar, that’s “cubic centimeters,” the unit of measurement for both your chest and your bike’s engine.

You see, you’ve got my motorcycle with a big, roaring engine, and then you’ve got my boobs with a big, well… let’s call it a heart of silicone. And both? Both of them are gonna need some serious CCs to keep me from going crazy. One revs up the engine, the other revs up my self-esteem. It’s like building a custom bike—sometimes, you gotta go big or go home.

Boobs + Bike = Freedom.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Amelia, how are we going to raise $20,000 for a set of new boobs and a motorcycle?” Simple. You want me to stay alive, don’t you? You want me to not be the vet at the local VFW who’s getting into trouble again, right? Then help a sister out. A little goes a long way. You can donate $5, $10, $100—hell, donate what you spend on overpriced lattes, and you can rest easy knowing you helped keep one less vet from going down the road of hard drugs or suicidal thoughts.

So, please. Send a little love, send a little cash, and help me get back on my feet (and my new bike). If not for me, then for the greater good of society, because trust me: A woman with confidence, D cups, and a motorcycle is a woman who is too busy living her best life to take the easy way out.

Thanks in advance,

Staff Sergeant Amelia Airheart

(Your favorite crazy veteran in need of a life makeover)