Nevertheless, She Persisted...

UPDATE: Well, it makes me so sad to be back on Go Fund Me and begging for money. The last six months have been very difficult. Long story short: I got very sick in January, and it all went downhill from there. I was in a state of constant pancreatitis attack pain due to inflammation, my doc couldn't stent it because it was too inflamed for him to get into the pancreas. He started me on a liquid diet at that point, and I never came off of it. As the weeks progressed, so did the illness. My duodenum sealed shut, and I was no longer able to digest food, leading to bouts of violent, nonstop vomiting. After two duodenal stents failed to correct the problem, it was decided that I would have to undergo the dreaded Whipple operation. In order to beef up for the surgery after dropping down to 94 pounds, the doctors put me on IV nutrition through a PICC Line running right above my heart.

The Whipple took place on May 21st, 2024. It was a success. I am currently in recovery at my parents' house after a week in the hospital. Because of how complex the surgery is, I have to take every precaution possible to ensure that it sticks for good. That means I can't work for at least a month to six weeks. I had been working from home previously for a couple of months, but I lost a lot of hours due to hospital admissions, doc appointments, and just days when I was too sick to even hold my head above the covers.

That's what me brings me back here. My parents have been helping me with rent and a couple of other bills, but their savings are out, and they can no longer help me. I only need to get through this six week period of no income, then my life will be back to normal.

If you can, I would deeply, deeply appreciate any help that you could contribute to get me through this last little bit of the journey. I am on medical leave through the FMLA, but I didn't realize it would be completely unpaid. If you have any suggestions or experience navigating the bureaucracy to receive government assistance due to medical incapacitation, please reach out to me.

Thank you so very much, once again. There have been many times that I've been moved to ugly sobbing on the floor by the level of support, generosity, prayers, and just good vibes being sent my way to get through this. And I can finally, gratefully, report that the end is, in fact, very, very near.

It's almost over. Thank you for sticking by my side.

UPDATE: First, thank you to everyone who contributed to this "last resort fund" when I originally posted it. You truly cannot even imagine how much it moved me. Each dollar was, in reality, a gift of hope. Though I pray that none of you will ever be in need, I do find myself sometimes fantasizing about a day when I am able to be the one to help you.

I am reposting now because things are... bad. Really bad. It has been an onslaught of discouraging news, suffering, pain, and the very darkest of depressions. I can feel the hope draining from my heart. I can feel it. You know, my mother once made the following comment about me and my younger brother: "Jon hates to lose, and Blair never gives up."

And that is my fear: That I will give up. It is the first time in my life that I have had so genuine and potent a fear of losing that fighting spirit.

I know that this is a despairing way to begin an update. I also know that it will be upsetting to my family to read about my mental state these days. However, I feel that I have no right to ask for donations unless I am completely honest about what is happening. They have done everything they can to help. I'm crying right now out of gratitude even thinking about them. But it's all too much. It's just all too much, and it kills me that they have had to bear so much of what should be only my burden.

My health is not improving. I've accepted that the damage is too severe and permanent. I have accepted that doctors, hospitals, medications, surgeries, and constant sickness and pain are my life now.

My financial situation is swallowing my life. It is dire, and the stress alone leaves me incapacitated sometimes. I can't pay my bills. I pay what I can, but it's not nearly enough to begin digging myself out of the hole that I have been in and continue to be trapped in. I am dangerously close to being evicted, possibly being taken to court over credit card nonpayment, and I am giving serious consideration to filing for bankruptcy (if anyone has ever done this or knows more about it, please message me). Fighting this disease has wiped me out in every way. A good example: Today, I got my paycheck. Tomorrow, my checking account will not only be empty; it will be in the negative. Imagine that. Imagine working yourself nearly to death every day of every week, and then, all of that money earned is no longer yours. It belongs to the debts. It is beyond discouraging. It is beyond terrifying. The worst part is that I see no end unless I can find some way to pay down some of the debt that I've been saddled with as a result of the decline in my health.

I know that so many people in my life, in this world, are hurting in so many ways, and I feel so wrong and so guilty and so angry with myself for asking others to help me. But I need help now. I need help now, and as much as it shames me to write that and post this, I am too desperate to be proud or dignified.

So. Here we are. If there is any way possible that any of you can contribute, you will be doing so much more than just easing my financial weight. You will be giving me bits and pieces of hope. I need that more than anything, more than ever.

Thank you for reading. I love you all so very much.

--Blair

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This is the first time that I've ever tried this out, so here goes nothing. I've been writing and rewriting this in my head, and I think the best thing to do is to toss aside the rose-colored glasses and be brutally honest about my situation.

 

After months of agonizing pain, tests, medications, hospitalizations, procedures, and doctor visits, the verdict is in: My pancreas is failing. Yep. Organ failure. My body is absorbing zero food and nutrition. I have lost almost 50 pounds in the last two months, and it is highly possible that other organs will begin to fail simply because I can't stop losing weight. Skin and bones, man. Skin and bones. There's a blood clot in my spleen, pseudocysts, other various "masses," and blocked ducts. I had a stent put in last week, and this procedure will have to be repeated every six to eight weeks to exchange it for new materials.

 

It is an extremely dangerous and life-threatening situation that I'm in right now. I won't even mention what it is doing to me mentally and emotionally.

 

This is the part where I swallow my pride and start begging.

 

My medical bills are in the tens of thousands of dollars, and that number will rapidly increase as the doctors continue to treat me to the best of their ability. That's with health insurance. Basically, the goal right now is to not die. I wish that was an exaggeration. As it turns out, not dying is pretty expensive. I already didn't make much money, nor did I have much in savings. Living paycheck to paycheck was tough, but now it's impossible. I've exhausted all financial avenues, including applying for government assistance, to keep my head above water in this sea of financial destitution. But I am drowning hard and fast. 

 

I am working, but the excruciating pain (I don't even have words to describe it) makes it rough, no matter how much I try to tough it out. My vacation time is gone, so any days that I miss for the rest of the year will be unpaid. Any medical leave or a forced leave of absence will also be unpaid. That means that I will lose my insurance, not to mention my apartment, and essentially whatever weird little life I've built for myself. Now, medical bills are being turned over to state collection agencies. This means that what little wages I am currently earning might be garnished.

 

I don't know what to do. If crying made money, I'd be RICH.

 

If there is any way that you could make a financial contribution, even if it's a couple of bucks, you would be making a tremendous difference in my life. Thank you for everyone's care and concern and support. The love that I have felt from my family and friends as I try to navigate all of this has been the only thing that has kept me going.

 

Thank you, and I pray for the day to come when I can repay your love and generosity.

 

Blair