Bill needs some Big Help

So, I planned on posting this a week (or so) ago before my birthday but, for reasons that will become clear, I struggle to do anything on time these days…

Well, this sucks and I don’t really know where to start. I turn 38 this week and never thought I’d find myself in this position. My teeth hurt, my car is falling apart, and I am out of money, credit, and do not have the ability to meet even the minimum monthly payments on my sizable personal debt. I think that we all should be given a chance or two in life to ask for Big Help. I find myself in that position at the moment - please consider helping me out if you are able.

For those who don’t know, I have a whole host of mental health struggles that I deal with on a daily basis - Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder Type II, ADD, complex PTSD, generalized anxiety, panic disorder, and insomnia.

Before going deeper, I want you to know that I take full responsibility for getting myself into this situation and have tried for years to make things right on my own. My optimism has always led me to believe that I’ll get things on track sooner or later. However, I have started to view my situation - and much of my debt - as a result of a combination of severe, disabling, medical conditions and I need help.

I began experiencing Bipolar symptoms when I was 23 and struggling my way through grad school at UM. Back then, my symptoms were milder and limited to 2-3 day mild depressive episodes that occurred every two to four weeks (or so) where I was unable to get off the couch and function. As is typical in folks with Bipolar and ADD, I also engaged in alcohol abuse, binge drinking, and all of the destructive behaviors that come along with all that. Undiagnosed mental illness rips a person from their foundation and, although I might have hid it well, by the time I defended my dissertation, I was a shell of my healthy self. As Jim Croce sang in New York’s Not My Home, “I had begun to doubt all the things that were me” - I had lost nearly all of my self-confidence.

Bipolar is a degenerative disease - it only gets worse with time. This is especially true when it is untreated; each episode causes further damage to our brains. By the time I was diagnosed at 33, my symptoms had worsened. I was experiencing SSRI-induced mania, week-long major depression, suicidal ideation, constant minor depression, and barely functioning in my personal life. Since my diagnosis, I have been medicated and have begun to experience occasional, extended periods of stability.

I once saw co-morbid Bipolar and ADD described as “a synergistic life ruiner” - and I couldn’t agree more! In the past, I have engaged in comfort spending when I’m depressed. I have also experienced mania and have found myself in manic-spending sprees. My ADD also loves to impulse buy. Depression makes it incredibly hard to do simple things like cooking - I have spent a lot of money on take-out over the years. ADD and Depression also combine to make personal care tasks like brushing teeth nearly impossible - hence my large past and future dental bills. I have also spent a lot of money simply on co-pays to access my mental health care team.

I understand that we all have challenges in life. I also know that our challenges are greatly varied. With the cocktail of challenges that I have, every day brings its own unique set of hurdles and it is rare that I surmount them all. Cooking, cleaning, maintaining my hygiene, running errands, maintaining a social life are all day-to-day challenges that I am still facing - even in treatment, bipolar folks spend a significant amount of their lives in a mildly depressed state. It is a constant struggle to maintain a stable personal life while also working.

I don’t want to spend too much time going on and on, but since I got sick at 23, I have… lost two long-term partnerships, lost contact with close family, struggled greatly at maintaining and creating friendships (which is why some of you are hearing from me for the first time in years), lost at least five jobs due to depressive episodes, had to leave countless other jobs, had seven jobs the year that I was diagnosed, moved more than once a year since I was 23, experienced discrimination at work due to my illness, and have been unemployed for about nine months in the last three years. I buy my clothes used, have visited food banks, and drive barely functioning vehicles. It has been tough and, at times, nearly impossible.

Again, throughout all of this, one thing I constantly told myself is that I would absolutely be able to recover from this debt and fix my teeth and pay off my debt at some point in the future when I got my life together and found a well paying engineering job. It has been devastating and painful to accept, but I have finally realized that I will never work as an engineer. I have a disability. I will never achieve my full earning potential - the best I can do for work is about 30 hours a week right now. Life will always be challenging.

Finally, I have put off asking for help because I wanted to wait until I was at a place in my life where I would not squander that help. I am medicated and in treatment with a great team. I have closed all of my credit cards. I have approached a couple of non-profit debt-management organizations. I am working at a boatyard in Dollar Bay, MI making a wage that allows me to live, but it is still very much a paycheck-to-paycheck existence. This is the first time in four years that I’ve held a job for over a year! I have made a budget and have lived mostly within my means for the last nine months. I am also in the process of selling a lot of my impulsively-purchased belongings that I truly no longer need.

Any money received will first go to my teeth and my debt. Beyond that, I will put some away for an emergency fund and use some to purchase a slightly more reliable vehicle.

If anyone requires more detailed financial information about my situation before donating, I’m happy to provide anything - just reach out privately. And, if there happens to be a person or two out there who are willing to provide some Big, Big Help, please get in touch…

Thank you so much for reading and considering offering me assistance. Whether or not you decide to give me some cash, please consider sharing this far and wide!

Thanks, eh.

Bill