CONTENT WARNING: This is a near death experience story and I think some folks would want to hear it, but it might be triggering for some.

This solstice my life started over.

I really want to go camping but I don't think it's going to happen this weekend. I'm antsy and a little disappointed so I go to the bar to relax and spend time with friends. I always spend way too much time and money at the bar in general and I got a new puppy to spend more time at home, save money, and quit drinking as much. Oh well, Max is home to watch the puppy. It'll be okay.

The bar isn't busy, but it's got some of my favorite people in it. I spend the evening talking with someone I had always wanted to know more about. He has the softest eyes, thick silver hair, and a kind soul that yearns to care and love everyone. We have always spoken in passing, every single time. It felt like he was always in the center of town, like a greeter. Last time I saw you at the bar you were in and out after stepping on a nail. You had the most botched job first aid wrapping done to you. It made me laugh. I know you don't go to the bar ever, so I was shocked you were there for so long with me.

We talked about everything. Shallow things, deep things, soft things, hard things, love, school, paramedics, training, life, and our promise to one another to help this town. Then you mentioned your frenchies and we now had a mission for me to meet them. Did we realize it was 2 in the morning? No. Did it matter? No, we were having fun, we were loving being around each other. I showed you my first office along the walk to your house because I'm super proud of my fly tying desk and setup.

Once we got to your street, we hopped on your 4-wheeler and rode up the hill. It was scary, I didn't realize how steep your driveway was. I clutched your waist so tight, I had never imagined being so close to you. You must have nerves of steel to go up and down it every day, but I trusted you for this very reason. You sensed I was scared so you grabbed my hand and placed it on the handlebar so I could control the speed. It was a kind gesture, and it did help a little. We made it to the top, and we went inside your house.

I didn't mean to wake your roomies, they had just gotten the puppies asleep and I felt bad. I didn't realize how small and close the quarters were. I got a quick tour, held the pups, stood on your back porch for awhile and then I was on my way.

I figured I could walk back home from here, it's not that far, but you weren't having it. Your roomie offered to drive me to the bottom but we weren't having that either so we walked out the front door and hopped on your 4wheeler. You were much slower going down than up, so slow that I felt we were going to fall ass first down your driveway, but we didn't. I was gripping the rear rack like my life depended on it. It reminded me of riding horses in the lakes basin, an adventure that was beautiful but terrifying. I hate being afraid of heights. We made it to the bottom and something felt off. As you turned so sharp, maybe too sharp, you made a noise like "ope", a sound people make when they've made a mistake. Then it gets dark.

I remember it like watching a movie. I'm falling with my eyes closed and everything is gone but there's loud rustling and there's no pain and I'm not afraid.

I open my eyes not knowing who I am. The ground is hard and I'm uncomfortable and I struggle to get up, my arm isn't working. Am I laying by a river? I raise my head and push to get up and my arm gives out and I collapse again. I look up and I see a 4 wheeler in a bush on the river so close to me and it's running. How did it get there? Was I on that? Was I driving?

I manage to push myself up to standing. My arm doesn't hurt but it feels useless. I start climbing up a steep hillside away from the river completely unaware of anything but instinct is telling me where to go. There's a highway at the top I'm sure of it.

I was right. I reach the pavement and all I see is a silver haired stranger and it hurts me so much to see him. Like a love I lost. He lays still and peaceful and I somehow know what that means. He feels so important and special. Why is my face wet and warm? I touch it, it doesn't hurt but it's sticky and I know what that means too but it doesn't scare me.

I stand there for awhile. I find out later I stopped a car for help. I hope they are okay. They left me there to get someone. I must've thought they abandoned me. I cannot save this person by standing here and someone down the road knows him I'm sure of it, but how? Is it a friend? Family? He feels important so I have to walk. Where even am I? My brain is racing to remember where to go.

I made it to the first house and it feels familiar. I knock, a nice lady with soft eyes answers and she looks at me like she knows me. How does she know me but I don't? She brings me inside and I wait and I pace and suddenly it all hits me so hard. Shaun, the puppies, the 4 wheeler, the sharp turn, the rustling, the accident, the pain, the guilt, the doom, every worry and fear is now landing on me at once. Why did I survive and not him?

Ambulance. They're cutting my clothes off. Helicopter. Panic. ER. Is he alive? They tell me no. Max. ICU. Broken ribs. Broken elbow. Pain. The drive home. Downieville. Surgery. Substance abuse therapy. Therapy. Physical Therapy. Finances. Recovering. Memorials.

What does recovery look like? How do I become something when I know I am starting from nothing?

This has not changed much since that fatal accident. I'm aimless, I'm hurting, I'm lost, I don't know what I'm doing and I feel like I almost died without seeing more of what living is about. I woke up a completely different person and I need to find who that is.

I am hoping to spend the winter seeing stuff I have only ever dreamed of. I'm going alone, I'm leaving Downieville and I want to come back happy, healthy and able to enjoy being alive, something I cannot say I remember feeling. That is hard to hear, but I have seen the saddest and most traumatic stuff and I need to let it go. I need to let the past go and this is my chance.

I'm asking that if you want to support my mental health journey you consider throwing some money my way. It'll go toward good things, you can follow me along on FB, Instagram or just send me a message for updates.

I'm here and I want to be here.

"Because we do not know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. And yet everything happens only a certain number of times. And a very small number really." -Brandon Lee