Becoming Whole Again
Donation protected
A video blog of my treatment can be found here
Every 92 seconds, a person in the United States is sexually assaulted (Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics, National Crime Victimization Survey, 2013-2017 (2018). 1 out of every 6 women has been a victim of completed or attempted rape in her lifetime (National Institute of Justice & Centers for Disease Control & Prevention, Prevalence, Incidence and Consequences of Violence Against Women Survey (1998).
I was first raped when I was 18 years old at a party during Thanksgiving break from college....
****or so I thought until I started this therapy program. I now know that I was raped for the first time (hopefully, anyway) when I was 5... by a 13 year old boy very close to my family, and with whom I am still in contact.
Today is July 30th, day 17 out of the 20 I was able to pay for, after taking out a loan (and significant help from a best friend). I am updating this "story" section now, because, as I have learned more about the story of my life these past 17 days, I realized that what I originally wrote barely scratched the tip of the iceberg. Below, I have kept the original post, as it feels appropriate to me in order to help explain how necessary this process has been, and thus how necessary it is for ANYONE who has experienced even the smallest portion of what I have. Please keep reading to get a better understanding of the whole picture...****
Then again a year later. It was not until years later, when I became a mental health counselor at a program for women with trauma, that I classified these events as rape. I previously thought, “I was too drunk to fight it”. Research and experience in the years since then have taught me that my experience of ‘date rape’, as well as the blame I placed on myself, are extremely common. It’s disgusting to think about, and it’s the reality of the society we live in.
Three separates times, three separate men have stuck their fingers inside of me without permission. Two of the instances were during photoshoot with photographers I had trusted enough to pose nude for, what I thought, was ‘art’. When I discussed these events with other models, photographers, producers, etc, it was harder to find someone who had not had something like that happen than who had. Disgusting. And true.
In December 2014, while back in Boston for Christmas, I was drugged by another photographer, and forced to perform oral sex on him. I was so ashamed and sickened by the event that after reporting it to the police, I never followed up, and went back to LA, hoping I’d be able to just move on. I couldn’t, but in part because I never had the chance.
Just a month and a half later was the worst night-morning of my life. On my way home from a club in Hollywood, I was abducted by a stranger, who proceeded to beat me senseless until I finally conceded, bent over, and let him rape me. My memory of the last part of this event is a third-person memory. I watched myself crying while he pounded me from behind, and neither the person being pounded nor the person watching could do anything. I feel often as though I never re-entered my body. This experience, called ‘dissociation’, is one of the most common reported by trauma survivors, and for me, it’s the one I can’t take anymore. I need to heal, to be ‘whole’ again.
After the final rape, I was hospitalized, reported the event to the police, and they eventually arrested and imprisoned my rapist. For 6 years. That’s less than a third of the sentence some states have for non-violent crimes. It’s disgusting, and it’s true.
My rapist was one of the ground-feeders of our society, living off of social security in the tiny room with a bare mattress he violated me in, which meant that the court order for $25,000 he was to pay to me does not exist, and I will therefore never have. I was told at the time that I had options for assistance in any treatment I decided to undergo…. For up to two years.
I did not attend therapy in those two years. I started a business, and I was thriving by two years from the incident. But the body never forgets, and over time, neither could I. So, now it’s 4 years exactly from the day I was granted an ‘IOU’ for $25,000 and I need help. My symptoms snuck up on me. Another common experience for survivors. We feel ashamed of the continued effect these events have on our lives, so we shove it down, until there’s no more room to shove it, and it starts spilling out uncontrollably.
Over the past several months, my ability to work, or functional at all, has decreased drastically, to the point that I can barely do anything, and thus do not have the funds available to pay for the treatment I so desperately need. An incredibly program for trauma victims, called Serenity Trauma Center down the street from where I live has an opening starting Monday (July 8th), and costs $12,000.
The thing I need immediately is $12,000 for my own treatment. The thing I want eventually, is to host a scholarship fund to help others in similar positions to my own get the treatment they need to heal (v) ‘to make whole’.
***UPDATE 7/5/19: I have been approved for a $12K loan, and am registered to start the program on Monday July 8th! Thank you to those who have donated so far, and to those still to donate. Your money will now help me to more quickly pay off the loan, and return to my life after the 2 weeks of treatment.***
***UPDATE 7/15/19: My therapists are recommending I do AT LEAST another 2 full weeks of the PHP program. That can only be made possible through crowd funding. Please see my video updates on youtube for more information. Thanks again <3***
***UPDATE 7/30/19: As stated above, through various therapeutic techniques, I have uncovered repressed memories from childhood, and realized that my wounds are so much deeper than even I realized. When I first uncovered this rape of my five year old self, after doing a "pushing" technique with my male therapist, and an intense crying release, I felt like suddenly my entire life made sense.
I had wondered for years why I started masturbating and having sexual fantasies involving older boys starting at age 6, and FINALLY, the answer was clear. This intense relief lasted for less than 24 hours, as more reality set it: this event affected far more than just my five year old self through today. It affected my whole family... and guilt has always been the most difficult emotion for me.
Now, here I am on day 17, after 102 hours of therapy, and I've barely even talked about any of the events from my original post; the things I thought were the ones causing me so much distress on a regular basis. Instead, I've spent time delving into my childhood and teenage years, and finally, for the first time in my life, getting an understanding of why I am the way I am.... CRAZY!
The truth is, when I leave in 3 days, I will be leaving against medical advice, but, unfortunately, my lease in Malibu is up, and I had planned to go travel around for awhile, so that's what I'm going to do, I suppose. For now, anyway. Not that I could afford any more time at the program.
So, that's a little bit more of my story. As stated several times above, you can follow my journey on my youtube channel to see more of my process.
Thanks, once again, to all those who have donated, and all those still to donate. I appreciate you all, from the bottom of my broken (and healing!) heart.
**I have replaced any "wishlists" with this link, as I do not need things. I want only to pay off this loan and move on with my life.**
Every 92 seconds, a person in the United States is sexually assaulted (Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics, National Crime Victimization Survey, 2013-2017 (2018). 1 out of every 6 women has been a victim of completed or attempted rape in her lifetime (National Institute of Justice & Centers for Disease Control & Prevention, Prevalence, Incidence and Consequences of Violence Against Women Survey (1998).
I was first raped when I was 18 years old at a party during Thanksgiving break from college....
****or so I thought until I started this therapy program. I now know that I was raped for the first time (hopefully, anyway) when I was 5... by a 13 year old boy very close to my family, and with whom I am still in contact.
Today is July 30th, day 17 out of the 20 I was able to pay for, after taking out a loan (and significant help from a best friend). I am updating this "story" section now, because, as I have learned more about the story of my life these past 17 days, I realized that what I originally wrote barely scratched the tip of the iceberg. Below, I have kept the original post, as it feels appropriate to me in order to help explain how necessary this process has been, and thus how necessary it is for ANYONE who has experienced even the smallest portion of what I have. Please keep reading to get a better understanding of the whole picture...****
Then again a year later. It was not until years later, when I became a mental health counselor at a program for women with trauma, that I classified these events as rape. I previously thought, “I was too drunk to fight it”. Research and experience in the years since then have taught me that my experience of ‘date rape’, as well as the blame I placed on myself, are extremely common. It’s disgusting to think about, and it’s the reality of the society we live in.
Three separates times, three separate men have stuck their fingers inside of me without permission. Two of the instances were during photoshoot with photographers I had trusted enough to pose nude for, what I thought, was ‘art’. When I discussed these events with other models, photographers, producers, etc, it was harder to find someone who had not had something like that happen than who had. Disgusting. And true.
In December 2014, while back in Boston for Christmas, I was drugged by another photographer, and forced to perform oral sex on him. I was so ashamed and sickened by the event that after reporting it to the police, I never followed up, and went back to LA, hoping I’d be able to just move on. I couldn’t, but in part because I never had the chance.
Just a month and a half later was the worst night-morning of my life. On my way home from a club in Hollywood, I was abducted by a stranger, who proceeded to beat me senseless until I finally conceded, bent over, and let him rape me. My memory of the last part of this event is a third-person memory. I watched myself crying while he pounded me from behind, and neither the person being pounded nor the person watching could do anything. I feel often as though I never re-entered my body. This experience, called ‘dissociation’, is one of the most common reported by trauma survivors, and for me, it’s the one I can’t take anymore. I need to heal, to be ‘whole’ again.
After the final rape, I was hospitalized, reported the event to the police, and they eventually arrested and imprisoned my rapist. For 6 years. That’s less than a third of the sentence some states have for non-violent crimes. It’s disgusting, and it’s true.
My rapist was one of the ground-feeders of our society, living off of social security in the tiny room with a bare mattress he violated me in, which meant that the court order for $25,000 he was to pay to me does not exist, and I will therefore never have. I was told at the time that I had options for assistance in any treatment I decided to undergo…. For up to two years.
I did not attend therapy in those two years. I started a business, and I was thriving by two years from the incident. But the body never forgets, and over time, neither could I. So, now it’s 4 years exactly from the day I was granted an ‘IOU’ for $25,000 and I need help. My symptoms snuck up on me. Another common experience for survivors. We feel ashamed of the continued effect these events have on our lives, so we shove it down, until there’s no more room to shove it, and it starts spilling out uncontrollably.
Over the past several months, my ability to work, or functional at all, has decreased drastically, to the point that I can barely do anything, and thus do not have the funds available to pay for the treatment I so desperately need. An incredibly program for trauma victims, called Serenity Trauma Center down the street from where I live has an opening starting Monday (July 8th), and costs $12,000.
The thing I need immediately is $12,000 for my own treatment. The thing I want eventually, is to host a scholarship fund to help others in similar positions to my own get the treatment they need to heal (v) ‘to make whole’.
***UPDATE 7/5/19: I have been approved for a $12K loan, and am registered to start the program on Monday July 8th! Thank you to those who have donated so far, and to those still to donate. Your money will now help me to more quickly pay off the loan, and return to my life after the 2 weeks of treatment.***
***UPDATE 7/15/19: My therapists are recommending I do AT LEAST another 2 full weeks of the PHP program. That can only be made possible through crowd funding. Please see my video updates on youtube for more information. Thanks again <3***
***UPDATE 7/30/19: As stated above, through various therapeutic techniques, I have uncovered repressed memories from childhood, and realized that my wounds are so much deeper than even I realized. When I first uncovered this rape of my five year old self, after doing a "pushing" technique with my male therapist, and an intense crying release, I felt like suddenly my entire life made sense.
I had wondered for years why I started masturbating and having sexual fantasies involving older boys starting at age 6, and FINALLY, the answer was clear. This intense relief lasted for less than 24 hours, as more reality set it: this event affected far more than just my five year old self through today. It affected my whole family... and guilt has always been the most difficult emotion for me.
Now, here I am on day 17, after 102 hours of therapy, and I've barely even talked about any of the events from my original post; the things I thought were the ones causing me so much distress on a regular basis. Instead, I've spent time delving into my childhood and teenage years, and finally, for the first time in my life, getting an understanding of why I am the way I am.... CRAZY!
The truth is, when I leave in 3 days, I will be leaving against medical advice, but, unfortunately, my lease in Malibu is up, and I had planned to go travel around for awhile, so that's what I'm going to do, I suppose. For now, anyway. Not that I could afford any more time at the program.
So, that's a little bit more of my story. As stated several times above, you can follow my journey on my youtube channel to see more of my process.
Thanks, once again, to all those who have donated, and all those still to donate. I appreciate you all, from the bottom of my broken (and healing!) heart.
**I have replaced any "wishlists" with this link, as I do not need things. I want only to pay off this loan and move on with my life.**
Organizer
Janira Wolfe
Organizer
Malibu, CA