I have had to swallow every inch of my pride for this, but then someone reminded me it takes strength to admit when you need help. I have turned every stone possible, except this one. I had to realize, my daughter's deserve the world and that means finally turning this last stone.

Within recent months, I found the courage to leave an abusive marriage. It had been in the works, but I was trying to get more financially stable, which was a joke. From attacks against me to attempting to kill the family dog to more abuse, we would be here all day.

After certain events, I put my plan into motion and obtained an emergency protection order that was followed by a 2-year order. I immediately filed for divorce directly after, which is where I sit now.

My soon-to-be ex drained every cent from the joint account while even attempting to transfer all credit card funds to crypto for himself. He has refused to participate in the divorce, causing it to drag out and still dragging. I am still 100% responsible for not cutting off any marital bills. A budget set for two incomes is drastically trying to function with 1/4 the income while also raising two small children. This right here is why victims go back to their abuser. I refused from the minute I pulled the trigger to ever turn around, for myself but most importantly my kids.

State help denies me for everything based on child support costs I am NOT even getting. The answer I get from the child support division is to take him back to court... they must think the money tree is in my backyard. Assistance does not even go off the majority of bills or court orders. You basically have to be living on the side of the road.

My once excellent credit is horrible due to the unpaid taxes and debt he came into the marriage without disclosing. I struggle to keep food in the house. My daughter almost got 0 presents for her birthday until some really kind people purchased some for her. I am $2000 behind on my car, almost had the electric shut off twice. The list goes on.

I do work and do wonderful at my job. Since I just started in February, it takes time to move up. I cannot sell my car due to court orders. I cannot kick him off any insurances until a judge says I can. This is not just advice from my lawyer but in the legal paperwork ordered by the court. My name is on his car that he is not paying. Daycare for my youngest is watching her for free, but she is also struggling. I am afraid before the judge signs permission for me to no longer be held in contempt of court if I stop paying his bills, I will have lost everything!

If I can even get caught up on one bill, it would be amazing. Christmas is coming up. Ask anybody I know, asking for money is not me, and I am a good person and a great mom. I just got dealt a rough hand and although going back would have financially helped, it risked all our lives. I wish this was me just being dramatic. but until you stand in front of someone who is supposed to love you

unconditionally and watch their eyes go black, into a person you do not recognize at first but over time...you know that version of them too well. until you feel the fear consume you. until every part of you is drained and you no longer recognize who you are anymore. ..you will never fully understand. Not for lack of compassion or imagination. simply because I thought I understood it, until it happened to me.

I wish I had a support system, but I truly do not have much of one, and the ones I do have are struggling themselves. If you can help, it would be greatly appreciated; if not, I just ask you to please share. This is truly my last tiny bit of hope.

Please help if you can or share!

I been writing as a way to process... this is just a tiny tiny portion of the beginning of me telling my story:

Before I knew it, I had gotten myself cut out of almost everyone’s life. I tried my best to hide from the cameras around my house that boxed me in tighter than a closed coffin. The very house my mother left me when she unexpectedly left this world. Little did she know these very walls would become my prison in the free world. My phone was no longer mine as prying eyes could not help themselves. Something completely harmless, I would always pay for with another tiny piece of my soul. A comment about painting a door means I am cheating. If I am outside with out him, I am messing around with someone. If I text on my phone, yup once again, up to no good. I could not even go a mile out of my way on a usual route unless I wanted a major blow out about me being a liar, even though the road was still closed. Looking back now, I should not of been surprised when he first attacked me, yet I was.

My life that I once knew, of dance parties in the kitchen with my daughters and sitting around a fire with my neighbors faded out and replaced with a shell of a body, kept together with only a drop of glue to hold together this once big heart.

Without even realizing the tidal wave I was caught in, I found myself scared to move one step to the left or right, as any simple thing was enough to trigger his eyes to go black...to turn into Mr. Hyde. Me, hiding in a tiny blind spot of the cameras to have just one minute to cry for help. Nobody was allowed to cry in this house, except for him. A tear shed was just a tantrum to get our way, but he could cry loud enough to pierce through the walls to reach my ears that were trying desperately to become deaf. Only his tears mattered. How dare me for not running straight to comfort him after what he did. He cried and the only answer that would be partially acceptable to him was immediate amnesia.