Rebuilding After House Fire

I'm a single mother with three kids. Most people want to know where my children’s father is.....My husband is currently in SCI Coal Township inmate #JE5374. He is serving 28-56 years. To make a long and painful story short he tried to kill me. He broke into my house the day he was released from jail on a previous protection from abuse order violation which happened to be my birthday. He broke into my home and proceeded to rape me in front of our children. My oldest son who was only 3 at the time said he saw mommy kissing daddies lap.....she was crying...he beat me profusely, stabbed me and forced me into the basement where he had garbage bags he planned to put my body in (God said not on my watch). My children were 2yrs old, 3 yrs old and 4yrs old at the time.   As you can imagine this wasn't the first incident. I stayed because I didn't want to be a single black mother on welfare. I stayed because I felt if a couple of beatings was the price I had to pay so my daughter wouldn't grow up like me without my father (battling drug addiction until I was  approximately 17yrs old when he became sober). I stayed because I was well aware of the challenges two young black boys would have without their father. Now I will have to tell them I testified against him. If you've never seen a three year old boy heartbroken trust me you're in luck. Now a few years later I can't tell you I made the right decision to leave him. I will never receive child support; I will always be the only signature next to the word parent.

The next question is usually where is your family?  We’ve already established my relationship with my father is nonexistent. After becoming sober he met married and fell in love with a single mother with three children and had another daughter of his own. I love him but he is trying to do right by them because he can’t go back and change time. I can’t ask him for help or babysitting because he needs help and a babysitter. The other part of me is uncomfortable having a sister younger than my youngest child. When me and my father do try and talk its usually superficial or extreme arguing. There is to much hurt, pain, and anger there and honestly I learned very young I couldn’t depend on him. He definitely loves me but love is action and because of his new family he can’t complete the actions that will help establish trust. My mother and I have the same birthday 8/8. I love her for having the courage to leave my father when she realized he was addicted; later however my mother became addicted to alcohol like so many other people. The problem with my mother is she is a violent alcoholic who is comfortable hitting me if I am around. My husband was sentenced in August, and the same year my mother ended up getting drunk coming to my house the day after Christmas and stabbing me; all of my children were home when this happened. I did press charges hoping she would be forced in to rehab, no such luck. Needless to say we haven’t been in the same room in 6 years. Fast forward to my house burning down; without a real support system and no close family ties in the area or in general really I had to keep pushing. I work fulltime and cannot afford daycare. With the amount of hoops you have to jump threw for food stamps and welfare in general I do it on my own. I go to work at a company I love, but while at work sometimes my children are home with each other waiting for me. This is not the first time I’ve left them home it’s the only way I seen myself becoming independent and self sufficient. That desperation to never again call my food stamp card and find out there is no money for food and I will have to wait 30 more days before my case is reopened; never again. So I took the risk hoping that God would grant me passage and he has, but as children get older they become more inquisitive. My youngest son called me on Friday, January 29th 2016 screaming and yelling the house is on fire; he was home alone, my older two children were at a free after school program (they are in middle school). I asked him if he was hurt and was our upstairs 90+ yr old neighbor out of the house he said he tried to get her but she didn’t answer the door. I told him if the fire wasn’t to bad go back and get her which he did and she is alive today because of it. We lost everything and I wonder if I was still just getting beat on by my husband if this would have happened; I think not. With two parents in the household one of us would have been there when they got out from school but such is life. I am not sure if I will be able to keep my job I know that I will probably be back on welfare fairly soon because I will never again do that. I have to be there and know matter how much I don’t want to be one of the people talked about during the presidential debates as receiving entitlements. If I can raise enough money to repay for the damage my lifestyle choices have caused I promise to everyone who donates that I will stay off of welfare and hire full-time help so that I could keep my job. I will pay my landlord back the rent I owe because living paycheck to paycheck while being single and solely responsible for the well being of three children is not for the faint of heart. I don’t really know how much we need I don’t know if I deserve anything from you reading this. I do know that after Friday I have given up; I cannot do it on my own and I hate that I forced God to humble me this way in order for me to ask for blessings. I know there are people who have it worse than us. I am sorry to every one of the United States taxpayers for asking you to help me out but we need it. I have student loan debt but no degree yet because I have to choose between night classes which would leave my children home alone even longer than normal, or  driving Uber in the evening again leaving my children home alone, and then making it to my full-time job that pays me enough to live paycheck to paycheck which in NJ with the rent being what it is….. I don’t make minimum wage but I am know where near middle class.  Often peanut butter and Jelly is for dinner, Bread is only a dollar at the dollar store and so is the peanut butter and jelly.I know this may come off as placing blame for what happened and it’s meant to. I blame myself, somewhere on my life road I took a right when I should have gone left and for the past few years I’ve been in a never ending state of emergency just trying survive the day. The bottom line is depending on how much I raise I will first pay my landlord back, hire help, give some to my upstairs neighbor who lost everything in the fire like me except her life; I might pay back my student loan if there is enough oh and pay for my divorce to be finalized. I really don’t know what to expect I just know I need financial help, there is a chance my children will be taken from me and I am not sure if that is such a bad thing if you sit back and think about all the trauma they’ve dealt with because they are related to me and none of them are teenagers. If I do lose my kids I will go back to school get a degree and then petition the state for their release because trying to fight for them when I am this alone and poor and desperate is only going to hinder there happiness and safety. My daughter is 12 she was born 12/24/2003. My son is 11 he was born 11/12/2004 and my youngest is 9 he was born 7/14/2006. This is the truth my truth and we hope you can help. I don’t know you and maybe one day I will be able to hug you and say thank you for your donation, this is my attempt to walk by faith and not by sight.

  Signing off--A 30 year old desperate single black mother who survived domestic violence but is losing at life.
 Yes I know there are grammatical errors please look pass them.