autoimmune party!

hi y’all! i wanna preface with not wanting this being a strung out drama queen sob story, just want to *finally* share my current predicament. with exception of a few, you may not know I’ve been struggling with my health. idk if u noticed, not as many selfies, somewhat removed and reserved lately. well, for my 27th birthday i was gifted a little face rash and cuts/peeling around my fingers, thought nothing of it, november was cold, scorpio ayyyyy ok anyway—as the days passed, started to feel weaker & more injury prone, rash started spreading, scalp/hair falling out and it didn’t stop there. uncomfortable for sure but I’d say but manageable and easy to keep hidden. though my work environment and lifestyle choices weren’t helping my situation it was one of the only things driving me, seeing my friends, having a drink, sad to think that’s “purpose” but it was one of my biggest anchors. kept truckin thinking I could get everything under control but I’ve been slowly deteriorating. learned 2 appreciate the small wins but started realizing I was going 2 steps forward only to take 5 back. well…finally had my first rheumatologist appt last week & i knew it wasn’t good but def didn’t notice I was that bad. always knew it could be autoimmune (mom had lupus) rip! but we’re looking like dermatomysoitis (muscle and skin disorder) most likely layered with another autoimmune disease *knock on wood*. tons of labs to go & need a muscle biopsy before i get a full diagnosis but doc advised i def need to slow it down, she couldn’t even believe i was working. rest? @27?! idk her! again, super hard to give up this normalcy but i will be really taking a much needed step back in life, doc has me projected to return to work in september *cries*. really fighting w/ my brain that leaving work and pulling back translates me turning into rapunzel. just the idea what im gonna do with myself the next 6 months…the last several have already been some of the toughest of my life physically, mentally and emotionally—so much has built up and piled on, and I don’t think it’s going 2 get easier. my body is full of inflammation, been living in gloves and hats, hand strength is non existent, losing weight, self confidence @ zero, my voice is gone, feel so ugly…daily life has turned into such a chore. in my current state i’m a tornado, aquaphor on everything, from getting up, dressing, cooking, having the energy to eat the food, the dogs..to name a few, the hardest and most debilitating thing 4 me is being basically unable to use my hands or talk, typing this killin me!! losing my lines of communication simultaneously has been the absolute worse. everything is so frustrating and stressful. as *normal* as I’ve appeared and tried to present myself, the harsh reality is that I’m a shell of myself and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I am in pain. i’m making myself sick stressing and worrying about the future & finances & spreading myself so thin in every aspect when I need to need to just focus on what i can control and take it day by day. just being home this last week, i’ve noticed how much really needs to change, from curtains to pet care, the clothes I wear. i was reserved ab this but i’m going to be putting together a couple wishlists on amzn/trgt with things i need like everyday necessities and essentials, things i want to try, even food and maybe even some fun. anything that can take away any unnecessary stress, pain, burden, just anything that’ll make my life easier. I’m not expecting any of these items to cure me but I’m getting desperate, wish I was asking to u 2 buy me a beer or a little care package to last me a couple weeks but sadly some of the stuff will help me the rest of my life. feel so helpless and hopeless, want to do so much but my body is failing me. still in denial, but I’m adjusting, finding a happy medium, burdening my dad, losing my independence, i’m tired of budgeting and bargaining with my body and mind. also, thank u to every1 that’s been so patient and helped my weak ass the last several months, ur patience and literal strength is so very appreciated. esp my dad, ily! there are so many other ways to assist me too, so pls reach out! let’s chat, i’m lonely. let’s hang!! clearly have a lot of free time fml. getting into cbd and maybe doing like a hat drive or something idk. gift cards, any life hacks, tips or recommendations too! even though i feel pretty fuckin terrible, it’s almost harder to even come out and be transparent and really ask for help. like the just typing this into words has been physically and mentally draining—sorry i know it’s all over the place but so is my entire life. definitely never thought chronic illness was on my 2024 bingo card but here we are.

I can’t do this alone. I just want my body back.

luv

brandon james

disclaimers / faq

*yes, clinically depressed - got a therapist referral

*no, i’m not ready to shave my head yet, IF EVER :-(

*yes, i stopped drinking

*applied for disability & medical (again)

*send help

*i really want an espresso martini

tips or recommendations too! even though i feel pretty fuckin terrible, it’s almost harder to even come out and be transparent and really ask for help. like the just typing this into words has been physically and mentally draining—sorry i know it’s all over the place but so is my entire life. definitely never thought chronic illness was on my 2024 bingo card but here we are.

I can’t do this alone. I just want my body back.

luv

brandon james