Aslan is on the Move

May 13th, 2022

Tim Leventhal

 

In early May of last year my oldest daughter graduated from JMU with honors and my youngest was finishing her sophomore year in high school, also excelling in classes and sports. Both are amazing young ladies with not only intelligence and drive, but are so kind, generous and tender hearted. My marriage had totally dissolved and the divorce finalized. She was my true love and we only met due to decisions we both made years ago. We could trace those choices and see how each played out for us to be in Savannah on the same weekend. God sent for us both to be there. These types of life changing celebrations and moments have always provoked in me deep feelings of anticipated loss and sorrow. I know that may seem so odd and misguided, but for me, it has been the normal reaction for a long time. The loss and regret that time has passed and I squandered so much, it sits in the front of all my thoughts. I truly believed that life has more pain than joy and God’s blessings become buried by discontent, complacency, fear and pride. I now know that if I am not residing in the sunlight of the Lord spirit, I will remain lost and in the dark and that life is not sustainable. The pain is devouring and only leaves sorrow, arrogance and resentments. I packed up the car and headed west leaving Northern Virginia in a state of complete emotional, mental, and spiritual depletion that I have only experienced one other time in my life, but this was worse. I had no hope what so ever. It was as if I was hit with a force multiplier. The pain was unimaginable.

I visited my parents and my sisters and their families then headed out. My head and heart were aligned in knowing I was going to die and I welcomed it. I didn’t want to commit suicide, but I did not want to live anymore . I’ve heard that many times, but now understood how truly hopeless that feels. It strangles and extinguishes any small flame of hope that might be remaining.

As summer started giving way to fall, all of the cuts and scars on my arms and bruises to my face seem to be countless. Whether it was to distract , punish, self loathing or some twisted act of self flagellation. There were many days of non-stop crying and screaming, I was trapped in the belief that I was the victim. I would die alone somewhere in the near future and leaving only a shameful legacy.

Winter comes quick in central Washington state. The super short and cold days and nights kept me sheltered in my car and left me with even more time to consider my life and the decisions I’ve made. True self awareness was beginning to be seen and realized. That type of awareness is so painful because you see the pain you have caused others, especially to those who are held most dear. The people who have always been there for me when I needed them the most. All blessings from God.

Why was I choosing to carry this pain, dragging it day in and day out? Keeping me imprisoned. Why? Why? Why?

As spring arrived bringing with it a renewal of sorts, there now was a crack in which I was able to see God’s grace. I could feel His love and then I finally realized, hiding and segregating myself from God because I was a sinner means I will never grow, and I will stay in my anger and fear. I know that sounds simple, but one thing this year has taught me is to keep it simple. I could see a way out, an exit. It was analogous to the sun piercing the darkness of the big cave where the Goonies found the pirate’s ship (I’m a child of the eighties, so a Goonies reference is required). Can I really be so arrogant and blind to think if God sent His son to die for my sins and the sins of the world, who am I not to follow Him and release so much self hatred and forgive myself. I was the only one remaining in my life to forgive. This was the hardest part. It slowly seeped in and I knew if I accepted His grace in totality, I could be freed. I now believed it was possible.

A few months ago, I applied for a job at the Gorge Amphitheater in George, WA. One of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. As the weeks passed without word , I became very discouraged. Perhaps God doesn’t want me to be here and if so, where? Then one early evening I received the call, I got the job! Almost instantly I began to weep, not from pain or despair, but joy and love. All that pain, fear and anger melted away immediately. It was my true moment of clarity. God’s timing can be so sneaky and perfect at the same time. It felt exactly like the proverb from the poem ‘Footsteps’. He was carrying me this whole time. Holding me tight in spite of all the kicking and screaming. It was the most profound feeling and experience in my life. This renewed outlook is a journey I am now ready to walk. I know some days will be bad, some days will be good, but I will trust in Him to protect and provide, just like He always has. I am never alone.

 That is my story and now I need help and I am not afraid to ask for help. I am ready and willing to get back on my feet. I have a new job at an amazing place where God is so present. Such beauty is undeniably created by Him and I praise Him for that. I’ve never been so excited to start a job. If you have never seen the Gorge Amphitheater, I recommend looking at some pictures on the web. I want to renew relationships and be the father that makes my daughters proud. A husband, son and brother that can be relayed on. Not out of duty or obligation, but true love for my family.

If you could see fit to participate in my GFM page, help me get back on track. I live in my car for now and it needs some serious repairs. He blessed me with such a good vehicle and shelter and I love having less stuff. Beautiful front yards if you will, that can be changed and that I could never experience living in a house. So having those repairs is now paramount as my car is now completely on the fritz and my first shift is tomorrow . I also am praying for the supplies to continue on this path. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read my story and God Bless each of you. I heard yesterday somebody questioning God‘s purpose for us and it’s so clear to me now. His purpose is to give us free will to choose Him. To be loved and to love. Turn away from sin and serve others.  Like the photo I took and used for my cover. Always keep Christ in focus

 

Aslan is in the move

- CS Lewis

 

Tim