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In light of Baby Loss Awareness Week and having suffered the loss of our son, we have decided to share our story in order to raise some funds for a very good cause. We are not alone on this journey. We were shocked to discover how many parents and families have to go through the same heartache as we are going through. We cannot take away their pain but there are others ways we can help and we would like to try.
We found out I was pregnant on the 13th November 2019, I knew before even taking the test so we were early in finding out. It was such an exciting time. We couldn’t wait to tell Ben he was going to be a big brother. He had been asking for a baby for years and now he was finally getting one, he would be the best big brother ever!
Having had a fairly easy pregnancy the first time round, I was looking forward to this one and having Ben share this journey with us made it even more special. It was several weeks in and the morning sickness started, something I did not suffer with Ben. I was exhausted all the time but didn’t remember this when I was pregnant with Ben. Several people kindly pointed out that I was 7 years older so was bound to feel more tired…thanks for that! I was convinced it was twins, it runs in the family, my mum was a twin. Finally after what seemed like eternity, our 12 week scan appointment came and there he was, our perfect little boy, of course we didn’t know he was a boy at that time. Our scan was before lockdown so Campbell was allowed in with me. That would be the only scan he was able to attend. Arran was being a bit cheeky actually and wouldn’t behave for the sonographer but she managed to get all the measurements she needed and everything was looking great. Now that we knew there was only one baby in there, I convinced myself it was a girl because of how I was feeling. Ben said it would be awesome if it was a boy but would still be ok if it was a girl. Either way he was just so happy at becoming a big brother.
I was working, doing a full time course at college and running a house but I soldiered on with the morning sickness and exhaustion. We had our 20 week scan and again all was looking well. As the weeks progressed I was measuring quite big and was scheduled in for a 30 week scan. Lockdown was well and truly underway by this point so I had to attend the appointment on my own. Campbell and I had discussed whether we should have found out the babies gender at our 20 week scan as it would make getting organised for their arrival a little smoother as we didn’t know how long we would be in lockdown for. I mentioned this to the sonographer at the 30 week scan and she asked if I wanted to know. I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to know, Campbell and I did not make a definite decision but I told her to tell me. It’s a boy she said, my heart could have burst with joy! I wasn’t particularly bothered whether it was a boy or girl, I would have been delighted with either but I knew Ben was so hoping the baby would be a boy. Campbell had already convinced himself it was a boy. I was so excited to tell Ben and Campbell, I could barely contain myself. The sonographer made a lovely picture to give to Big Brother Ben from his little brother. His estimated weight at 30+4 weeks was 4lbs 6oz. I was referred for another scan which took place on the 26th of June, I was 36+5 weeks and again I had to attend on my own. There he was again, looking perfect, heart beating away nicely. The sonographer said that she estimated his weight to be approximately 9lbs and that I had too much amniotic fluid. I would need to have my bloods taken today to check for gestational diabetes. When I was finished with the sonographer another nurse took me away for bloods. I was told these would be prioritised and if there were any abnormalities then I would hear back today. I never heard anything back that day and therefore assumed all was well.
We were visitng my dad on Sunday the 28th June and we were all laughing because my stomach was going crazy, Arran seemed to be having a wee party in there. Arran had always been more of a roller than a kicker. I had a busy day on the Monday and did say that Arran was having a quiet day but this was not unusual for him. I could feel him rolling about so I wasn’t concerned. I had an appointment with my midwife and my consultant at 9am on Tuesday the 30th of June. We were going to discuss the results of the scan and decide on a date for my section. Ben was delivered by section and due to Arran’s size, it was agreed a section at approximately 39 weeks would be the safest method for delivery. We were so excited. I told Ben the night before that in about 14 days we would be meeting his little brother. My midwife came and got me from the waiting area and as we walked to her room she mentioned that my bloods were really high and that they wanted me back in. I told her I knew nothing of this, no one phoned me but nothing further was mentioned at that point. She asked me to pop onto the bed and we would have a wee listen to his heart. She put the Doppler on my stomach and tried to find Arran’s heartbeat. She was very calm and at one point said she wasn’t sure if that was Arran’s or mine. She said she would get the consultant in who would most likely find it. The consultant came in and I went back onto the bed. She was asking questions as she was trying to find Arran’s heartbeat but it’s all a bit of blur to me now. She said that she couldn’t find Arran’s heartbeat and told me to go home, get Campbell and go straight to Wishaw Maternity to have a scan, she would meet me there. I was beginning to panic now but I remembered this happening to my sister when she was pregnant. She called me at work one day sobbing her heart out. She had to go to hospital, her little boy’s heartbeat could not be detected by the Doppler and she needed me to take her. We got to the hospital and there it was, a very healthy little heartbeat. We desperately hoped it would be the same for us, that we would get there and they would tell us everything was fine. Except everything was not fine. I had a scan and it was confirmed, Arran’s little heart was no longer beating, the words you are so terrified to hear. We couldn’t believe what was happening, how was this happening, I saw him on a monitor only a few days ago, how could we possibly tell Ben that the little brother he had waited so long for and who was so close to coming home, was no longer going to be coming home. Campbell and I could barely process what was happening in our heads, how on earth would a 7 year old be able to make sense of any of this. There are no words to describe the pain you feel. Everything you hoped for, planned for, dreamed of and imagined all taken away from you and there is nothing you can do about it.
I was booked in for the following morning at 10am and we would proceed with the section to deliver Arran. Now it was time to go home and tell Ben that his baby brother would not be coming home. That was one of the most difficult things we have had to do. We were prepared for all the happiness that Arran would bring but now all we were faced with was grief, unimaginable grief.
Our precious little boy, Arran, was born on the 1st of July 2020 @ 11:22 weighing 8lbs 15.5oz and was absolutely perfect. It is hard to understand why and how this could happen when he was so perfect. He was so like his big brother. We made the decision not to let Ben see him, a decision that we will never know if it was the correct one or not but felt at the time it would just be too traumatic for him. We have beautiful pictures of Arran for his brother to look at and we have pictures and reminders of him around our house. Arran was loved from the moment we knew he existed and will always be loved and missed and we will continue to keep his memory alive.
The staff who took care of us at Wishaw were amazing. The care, compassion and support they gave us during the worst time of our lives will never be forgotten, Campbell and I cannot thank you enough.
We were able to spend time that we needed with Arran and to prepare ourselves to say goodbye. We stayed with him from Wednesday to Friday and we were able to do that thanks to the use of a cuddle cot. These cots extend the time a baby’s body can be preserved. It can be used in the hospital or can also allow a family to take their baby home for a while should this be their wish.
As a thank you and in memory of our precious little boy, Campbell, Ben and I would like to raise enough funds so that we can purchase 2 cuddle cots. We would like to donate one to Wishaw Maternity and the other to Henry Dorricott Funeral Services in Larkhall who work closely with Wishaw Maternity and look after many of the babies after they leave the hospital. You don’t ever imagine having to say goodbye to your child before their life on the outside world has even begun but these cots can help in giving future parents who have to endure this horrendous journey the time they need with their baby.
We would really appreciate you supporting our fundraising efforts by donating as little or as much as you can. We are currently in discussion with Wishaw Maternity to enquire what other products and services will be of benefit to other bereaved parents and families. Should there be any surplus funds after the purchase of the cuddle cots then it will be donated to Wishaw Maternity in order to help them provide these.
Thank you so much
Campbell, Angela and Ben
We found out I was pregnant on the 13th November 2019, I knew before even taking the test so we were early in finding out. It was such an exciting time. We couldn’t wait to tell Ben he was going to be a big brother. He had been asking for a baby for years and now he was finally getting one, he would be the best big brother ever!
Having had a fairly easy pregnancy the first time round, I was looking forward to this one and having Ben share this journey with us made it even more special. It was several weeks in and the morning sickness started, something I did not suffer with Ben. I was exhausted all the time but didn’t remember this when I was pregnant with Ben. Several people kindly pointed out that I was 7 years older so was bound to feel more tired…thanks for that! I was convinced it was twins, it runs in the family, my mum was a twin. Finally after what seemed like eternity, our 12 week scan appointment came and there he was, our perfect little boy, of course we didn’t know he was a boy at that time. Our scan was before lockdown so Campbell was allowed in with me. That would be the only scan he was able to attend. Arran was being a bit cheeky actually and wouldn’t behave for the sonographer but she managed to get all the measurements she needed and everything was looking great. Now that we knew there was only one baby in there, I convinced myself it was a girl because of how I was feeling. Ben said it would be awesome if it was a boy but would still be ok if it was a girl. Either way he was just so happy at becoming a big brother.
I was working, doing a full time course at college and running a house but I soldiered on with the morning sickness and exhaustion. We had our 20 week scan and again all was looking well. As the weeks progressed I was measuring quite big and was scheduled in for a 30 week scan. Lockdown was well and truly underway by this point so I had to attend the appointment on my own. Campbell and I had discussed whether we should have found out the babies gender at our 20 week scan as it would make getting organised for their arrival a little smoother as we didn’t know how long we would be in lockdown for. I mentioned this to the sonographer at the 30 week scan and she asked if I wanted to know. I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to know, Campbell and I did not make a definite decision but I told her to tell me. It’s a boy she said, my heart could have burst with joy! I wasn’t particularly bothered whether it was a boy or girl, I would have been delighted with either but I knew Ben was so hoping the baby would be a boy. Campbell had already convinced himself it was a boy. I was so excited to tell Ben and Campbell, I could barely contain myself. The sonographer made a lovely picture to give to Big Brother Ben from his little brother. His estimated weight at 30+4 weeks was 4lbs 6oz. I was referred for another scan which took place on the 26th of June, I was 36+5 weeks and again I had to attend on my own. There he was again, looking perfect, heart beating away nicely. The sonographer said that she estimated his weight to be approximately 9lbs and that I had too much amniotic fluid. I would need to have my bloods taken today to check for gestational diabetes. When I was finished with the sonographer another nurse took me away for bloods. I was told these would be prioritised and if there were any abnormalities then I would hear back today. I never heard anything back that day and therefore assumed all was well.
We were visitng my dad on Sunday the 28th June and we were all laughing because my stomach was going crazy, Arran seemed to be having a wee party in there. Arran had always been more of a roller than a kicker. I had a busy day on the Monday and did say that Arran was having a quiet day but this was not unusual for him. I could feel him rolling about so I wasn’t concerned. I had an appointment with my midwife and my consultant at 9am on Tuesday the 30th of June. We were going to discuss the results of the scan and decide on a date for my section. Ben was delivered by section and due to Arran’s size, it was agreed a section at approximately 39 weeks would be the safest method for delivery. We were so excited. I told Ben the night before that in about 14 days we would be meeting his little brother. My midwife came and got me from the waiting area and as we walked to her room she mentioned that my bloods were really high and that they wanted me back in. I told her I knew nothing of this, no one phoned me but nothing further was mentioned at that point. She asked me to pop onto the bed and we would have a wee listen to his heart. She put the Doppler on my stomach and tried to find Arran’s heartbeat. She was very calm and at one point said she wasn’t sure if that was Arran’s or mine. She said she would get the consultant in who would most likely find it. The consultant came in and I went back onto the bed. She was asking questions as she was trying to find Arran’s heartbeat but it’s all a bit of blur to me now. She said that she couldn’t find Arran’s heartbeat and told me to go home, get Campbell and go straight to Wishaw Maternity to have a scan, she would meet me there. I was beginning to panic now but I remembered this happening to my sister when she was pregnant. She called me at work one day sobbing her heart out. She had to go to hospital, her little boy’s heartbeat could not be detected by the Doppler and she needed me to take her. We got to the hospital and there it was, a very healthy little heartbeat. We desperately hoped it would be the same for us, that we would get there and they would tell us everything was fine. Except everything was not fine. I had a scan and it was confirmed, Arran’s little heart was no longer beating, the words you are so terrified to hear. We couldn’t believe what was happening, how was this happening, I saw him on a monitor only a few days ago, how could we possibly tell Ben that the little brother he had waited so long for and who was so close to coming home, was no longer going to be coming home. Campbell and I could barely process what was happening in our heads, how on earth would a 7 year old be able to make sense of any of this. There are no words to describe the pain you feel. Everything you hoped for, planned for, dreamed of and imagined all taken away from you and there is nothing you can do about it.
I was booked in for the following morning at 10am and we would proceed with the section to deliver Arran. Now it was time to go home and tell Ben that his baby brother would not be coming home. That was one of the most difficult things we have had to do. We were prepared for all the happiness that Arran would bring but now all we were faced with was grief, unimaginable grief.
Our precious little boy, Arran, was born on the 1st of July 2020 @ 11:22 weighing 8lbs 15.5oz and was absolutely perfect. It is hard to understand why and how this could happen when he was so perfect. He was so like his big brother. We made the decision not to let Ben see him, a decision that we will never know if it was the correct one or not but felt at the time it would just be too traumatic for him. We have beautiful pictures of Arran for his brother to look at and we have pictures and reminders of him around our house. Arran was loved from the moment we knew he existed and will always be loved and missed and we will continue to keep his memory alive.
The staff who took care of us at Wishaw were amazing. The care, compassion and support they gave us during the worst time of our lives will never be forgotten, Campbell and I cannot thank you enough.
We were able to spend time that we needed with Arran and to prepare ourselves to say goodbye. We stayed with him from Wednesday to Friday and we were able to do that thanks to the use of a cuddle cot. These cots extend the time a baby’s body can be preserved. It can be used in the hospital or can also allow a family to take their baby home for a while should this be their wish.
As a thank you and in memory of our precious little boy, Campbell, Ben and I would like to raise enough funds so that we can purchase 2 cuddle cots. We would like to donate one to Wishaw Maternity and the other to Henry Dorricott Funeral Services in Larkhall who work closely with Wishaw Maternity and look after many of the babies after they leave the hospital. You don’t ever imagine having to say goodbye to your child before their life on the outside world has even begun but these cots can help in giving future parents who have to endure this horrendous journey the time they need with their baby.
We would really appreciate you supporting our fundraising efforts by donating as little or as much as you can. We are currently in discussion with Wishaw Maternity to enquire what other products and services will be of benefit to other bereaved parents and families. Should there be any surplus funds after the purchase of the cuddle cots then it will be donated to Wishaw Maternity in order to help them provide these.
Thank you so much
Campbell, Angela and Ben
Organizer
Angela Kenney
Organizer