Annabel's Battle: Cancer Spread to Brain

So it’s my birthday and I’m stuck in the Twilight Zone yet again. It was almost exactly 2 years ago that I got the diagnosis. And that was the last time I shed a tear. I’ve tried to stay away from unhelpful bouts of self pity, but these last few weeks have been really, really hard. My third chemo was 2 weeks ago, and I’ve been really struggling. It feels like I’m wading through quicksand, just taking a shower. Constantly wading with occasional bouts of uncontrollable nausea.

In my last life I had indefatigable energy so this is confusing and frustrating in the extreme. I haven’t been able to walk Grommet for weeks now and he stares at me mournfully with his big brown soulful eyes. Begging for fun, new sniffs and a change of scenery. Plus it’s way too HOT, for dogs and humans.

Last week I had a PET scan for which I had to fast. My already weakened body screamed for sustenance but everything I painfully tried to make induced nausea. Since then, it’s got better by tiny increments, but dog walking is still beyond me. I asked my oncologist via text (the only way I can contact him) the meaning of the shadowy scan results and his response - “ It’s Ok - mixed, next PET scan in 90 days.“ so I’m looking at more chemo (next Thursday) more fatigue and yet more nausea. A half life, of sorts.

Once this beast is finally vanquished, my plan is to get out of LA. I’m done. I’ve given this city and country the best years of my life and I only have sickness to show for it. I want a new life in a place with fresh, clean air and healthy food, not pumped up with chemicals and hormones. I plan to continue my dream project, but I don’t need to be in LA for that. It’s a European film, and doesn’t require Hollywood glitz and commerciality to make it shine.

I know I’ve asked for help a lot, but it’s been 2 years since I’ve been able to work and God knows I want to. But getting out of bed and making oatmeal is all I can handle right now. It’s really hard doing all this alone with zero family support and I’m eternally grateful to each and every one of you that has helped me especially during such turbulent times.

Happy birthday to me. I’ll be having a massage with my lovely Brooke then going back to bed. Celebrating is for the future, which I know will be golden, if I can just grit my teeth and get through this.

Love always, Annabel xxx