I had a hospital assigned midwife and nurse (when I expected induction w a doctor like my appointment stated) who did not listen to me advocating for myself (asking for the doctor, begging for c-section etc) which led to my near-death and serious injuries.
A CNM and nurse made me push for 4 plus hours with a sunny side up, 9.11lb baby boy despite my pleas, cries and demands for ending it, for a dr, that my pain was 10/10, that I was at my limit, that I was distressed, to speak w a Dr about a c section, screaming for intervention, etc.
Ernie was stuck in my pelvis face up (could see his hair) for hours while I pushed.
Throughout I was told by this CNM that I was holding back, it was my fault he was stuck because I was not releasing my pelvic muscles enough because I was scared, that I needed to stop crying, that I didn’t need a c section, a natural birth was better, was told not to push my epidural button (she actually removed it from me at the beginning and said I wouldn’t be able to use it bc I wouldn’t feel when to push…), was forced to have arms and chin and legs certain ways to push even if was not energetic enough to grab legs, among many other things that belittled my serious attempts to get help.
I was told early on in labor he was sunny side up and was asked if I had a size dating, which I did at 25 weeks but nobody continued inquiring or informing me of any risks….or giving me any other options…
Not understanding what options were and becoming increasingly distressed and scared, I screamed and pushed my way through 4 plus hours of this. The CNM told me, my mom and my husband that a doctor wouldn’t even consider a C Section until I had reached the 4 hour mark. I could feel everything at a point and could feel her trying to turn him manually multiple times. At some point they must have seen how dire situation was or grown tired of my screams FOR a doctor/c section/help bc I refused to keep pushing and magically a dr was called (too late) and began a vaccum bc I was screaming for someone to assist me. I had a form placed in front of my face and was told to sign it for a c section. I was not explained vacuum. But was desperate and wanted help so just did it
The vacuum was excruciating for me and popped off several times causing dr to fall backwards at times. U are not supposed to keep using a vacuum if it is popping off more than twice.
He was delivered after about 6 times and ripped my entire body open from rectum to urethra.
I began bleeding out from wound and my placenta also began hemorrhaging immediately-I lost so much blood they were scooping it into containers to measure. The doctor had his entire arm inside of me digging out pieces of my placenta and then sewing me while also giving me shots in me legs etc. I lost consciousness and a strong pulse. A rapid response team was called- run in and work on me, and a massive blood transfusion was called.
my hemoglobin was a 3. I lost consciousness looking at my husband crying holding my new son and desperately trying to help me. I was sure I was dead. I was in and out of consciousness and my body was In shock (uncontrollably shaking and cold) while they worked in me for a long time. I remember being so cold and seeing faces I didn’t know were real or not at times, and then fading out, and then seeing someone poke me, cover me with big heated tented blankets..then fading out etc.
I have thalassemia minor and losing blood is very dangerous during birth for me, nobody was prepared for a worst case scenario although all noted in my chart previous..
Somehow I was stabilized and then I received platelets and blood transfusion bags etc for days. I couldn’t move, couldn’t reach for my son, couldn’t grab him…nothing.
Ernie had a laceration on his head from the vaccuum and billirubin issues when he was born, both resolved.
The midwife(CNM) came to see me after, and all she said was “thank god you had a natural birth…a c section would have hemorrhaged the same way””Ur so strong” I looked at floor entire time. She handed me a print out on 4th degree tears and walked out. A doctor never came in to explain what happened to me or my wounds etc. the dr who worked on me never came back or told me anything. I had to demand to see another dr and that dr told me and I quote “I don’t need to see it, I’m confident my colleague did a great job, ur gunna heal, you can put two pieces of vagina in a room together and they’re going to find each other”..
I couldnt take care of my son on my own because I couldnt even walk or sit upright on my own, no exaggeration. I needed help showering, peeing getting dressed getting undressed, changing wound care nonstop, getting my son, changing son, feeding son. My breastfeeding dreams were shot.
For 6 months I have been in pain with everything I do. I just work through the pain all day long.
This has traumatized me. I do not trust anyone medically anymore. I will never have a child again, my husband is getting vasectomy because we cannot bear to ever be near to this again. I am in so much pain mentally and physically. This birth experience has stolen any happiness I had from the feeling of being a new mother.
I can’t sleep full nights, I have nightmares about the CNM and in my dreams I’m not able to speak. I relive images of this experience throughout the day, often and it makes me anxious and tense all the time. I am afraid of the medical community. I have panic attacks regularly as well thinking about what my most private areas are now. I am devastated. I feel that my life was worthless to people who were supposed to care, and now I have a hard time believing anything anyone says. I’m irritable at times to ppl I love, because I spend my whole day putting on a brave and happy face for my son because I want him to have the most healthy quality of life possible. I have extreme guilt when I cannot do things with him that I want to, or if I am mentally overloaded and need to have his grandma take him for visits. I feel depressed about the body i live in now…I don’t consider it mine anymore. I’m depressed that I can’t be intimate with my husband, although he is so understanding and it is not his priority at alll….I’m obsessed that I will never receive justice for this.
I have diagnosed ptsd from this experience.
I have been incontinent both ways, my vagina was sewn partially open, my anus is next to my vagina and dysfunctional. A laceration through my urethra was missed and fused together over my urethra, making urinating painful, etc. and so much more.
This link is my injuries after “healing”.
Warning: these are graphic photos, please be discreet when viewing injuries if you’re in public:
June 16, 2022- I had surgery to repair my laceration, sphincteroplasty, perineoplasty, possible fistula, fix sewn open vagina. Basically all of it. Once again I am missing tons of moments with my child as I heal for weeks.
My husband has to take 6-8 weeks of (unpaid) FMLA leave to care for me and our child. We sold our vehicle to help pay for all of the expenses this situation has incurred. He has also had to take time off for my mental health, which is always unpaid.
We are a working class family, Stephen is a shipyard worker and ex-Navy. We live paycheck to paycheck, that’s just how it is.
We are asking for help at this time, if you have it in your wheelhouse to donate a couple dollars towards helping me and my family towards alleviating our expenses, we would be so grateful. We were just getting back on our feet from issues caused by Covid, and it’s been blow after blow for us.