- Neuanschaffung sämtlicher Kleidung seit März 2020 - Kosten ca. 950 Euro
- Photoepilationstherapie seit September 2020 - Bisherige Kosten 4,371 Euro (Jede Behandlung etwa. 380 Euro)
- Eventuelle Gutachten - Kosten ca. 3800 - 4350 Euro
- Psychotherapie seit August 2021
- Hormontherapie seit 19. November 2021
- Alles auf einen Blick: Klick mich
- Twitch: Klick mich
- Twitter: Klick mich
- Youtube: Klick mich
- Ko-fi: Klick mich
- Mein Showreel: Klick mich
Please listen to my story:
When I was 6, I noticed for the first time that I felt in the wrong body. I always felt more comfortable with bows in my hair than anything else. In role-playing games at school, I mainly played the (strong) female characters all the time. I was taught by the teachers there that I had to suppress it because it was not normal.
As the years went by, I discovered anime conventions in 2004. Meanwhile I was 16. I was very fascinated by the topic "Cosplay" and at these events you could "be who you want". So in 2004 I went to my first convention as a school girl. It was a great feeling. Everything about it felt more than right. But when the weekend came to an end, that feeling also came to an end.
Over the following years, I used "Cosplay" as a kind of excuse to be able to live out this "real" side of myself. My first ever girlfriend even encouraged me to be like that around her. So, when I was 18, I found out about what I actually was for the first time : "transsexual". My friend explained to me what I can do to become a "real girl": hormones, reports, therapies, operations, etc.
Scared of how the people around me would react, scared of how much I would have to take on myself to become a girl, I suppressed my feelings and tried to continue to escape into the world where that was perfectly okay: Cosplay.
In the meantime (2006/2007) I separated from my first girlfriend, met someone new at a convention (as a girl), moved away from my family a short time later and lived in North Rhine-Westphalia for 2 years. There were so many impressions and professionally I was drawn into media, where all of this was simply "unsuitable".
In 2008 I moved back home and then lived in my own apartment for the firsttime with my girlfriend. I still banned all of my "girl thoughts" to cosplay and the years passed by.
Arriving in 2011/2012 - I went through another breakup, devoting myself more and more to my hobby, the media. For the first time I stood on a convention stage as a host. I was too afraid to stand there in a feminine cosplay. So, for the first time, I put down what had always made me happy just to "adjust". Sure, that moment was nice because I was allowed to do something that I had dreamed of for a long time, but this inner wish just remained unfulfilled.
In mid-2012 I met my last partner, for whom my "other side" was more than okay, according to her. So we spent our first weekend as "girls" together. I got more and more into media work and continued to suppress my true feelings. Cosplay, however, was again a small escape in the "right direction". The sudden death of my father also made it necessary to withdraw mentally and to occupy myself.
When I started streaming on Twitch in 2016, I occasionally wove cosplay into my streams without revealing the real reason behind it. A streamer friend then gave me, for my birthday in 2019, a costume from a series that we both liked more than anything: Kakegurui. In addition, a wig that she found suitable. (I was now at the age of 30.)
"Chris had bought a Chiaki (Danganronpa) cosplay that he wore onstream - this gave rise to the idea of simply wearing random cosplays. Shortly afterwards, Chris received a cosplay from the Kakegurui series from Melandrya in advance for his birthday. He wore it on February 16, 2019 for the first time in the stream. Since this was well received, he wore it again. The third time the community should give the character a name because he does not appear in this form in "Kakegurui". He became "Himeko" baptized in allusion to Chris 'character to be "a princess". As an additional accessory a diadem / crown was suggested, which Chris wore in the next stream. Himeko is now Chris' alterego who often takes over his streams.Together with Melandrya, who now regularly streams as Meari Saotome (Kakegurui), he forms the "Gamble Bitch Squad". Himeko has no background story yet. "-Quote from the Bakapedia
Due to the increased "in-character streams", the inner voices became louder and louder, I streamed much more often in feminine roles and characters that suited the situation or the games. Then finally in March 2020 I went through a very toxic breakup. The official reason for the breakup was that you couldn't live with me as a girl, but there was much more to it. But this reason was so formative for me that I swore to myself: "Now you mustn't be afraid anymore. Take your life in your hand and finally be yourself!"
A few days later I outed myself as transsexual among the stream viewers and made my first stream as "Aileen" one day before my birthday on April 13th, 2020. After the audience got to know and reacted incredibly positively, they gave me courage, I came out to the family shortly after.
Little by little, I found out which hurdles lie ahead of me and I was literally knocked out. Therapies, expert reports, a lot of bureaucratic work. The pandemic that was also beginning made it even more difficult for me to take steps forward. Finding a therapist was an odyssey. Either I was turned down because they didn't know about transgender people, or the waiting time was over a year or a year and a half. With that alone, hormone therapy was a long way off.
I inquired about other methods that would at least bring me closer to a more feminine demeanor. That brought me to photoepilation. My very strong body hair was a huge problem for me. If that problem were solved, I could at least wear the things I would like to wear permanently and would feel more comfortable. The health insurance company refused to cover the costs several times (because I lacked the relevant reports and medical indications). So I accepted that I had to pay for the whole body photoepilation myself + the expensive rides to Heidelberg for treatment.
With the help of some viewers, I was finally able to find a therapist near me in August 2021 who has taken care of me. From that point on it was quick. This was followed by the start of hormone therapy in November.
Even now, I still struggle with my body hair. I still have to have expensive reports drawn up in order to be able / allowed to take further steps forward. Costs that meanwhile really kill me. Since the pandemic, my independence work has collapsed almost completely (media design, in event videography - no orders without events: /). I am currently living from the social pandemic funds, and have been looking for a job for over a year in which I am accepted as a trans girl, but yet without success.
I regularly post my progress on Twitter or tell about it in my streams. You can find links below.
I accept any help more than gratefully.
New purchase of all clothing since March 2020 - costs approx. 950 euros
Photoepilation therapy since September 2020 - costs approx. (and ongoing) 4.371 euros (every appointment approx. 380 euros)
Any expert opinion - costs approx. 3800 - 4350 euros
Psychotherapy since August 2021
Hormone therapy since November 19, 2021
Links to me:
Everything at a glance: click me
Twitch: click me
Twitter: click me
Youtube: click me
Ko-fi: Click me
My showreel: click me
Last update: 13.12.2021 - 4.30 p.m.
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