Aid Melanie and Children in Overcoming Devastating Tragedy

Tragedy has struck our family, and it's the unfortunate gift that hasn't quit tormenting us. My name is Melanie, and I have three beautiful children. Besides my children being born, I wouldn't say that I have been dealt the best hand in life. My children and I recently lost their father, my life partner. He took his own life and left us—his family—behind. We are devastated. He was a loving, caring, selfless, hardworking, funny, positive, dedicated, and loyal man. We were middle and high school friends. We both were at really good places in our lives when we met, and spent the last 10 years together, and had two children. He raised my oldest daughter without question since she was two years old, and he was her first best friend. The happiest time of my life were our first 6 years. He had the job of his dreams he spent years trying to get, and he gave me the choice to be a stay-at-home mom. His first biological daughter—my second—was born with health issues, so it was ideal at the time. Life was as perfect as it ever was for me, and I believe it was for him as well. Throughout these first 6 years, we never fought or argued. When we did, it was because he left his stank work boots on and tracked crap into the house. Or he took his socks off, and the smell coming off his feet was putrid! It was nothing serious that we didn't recover from quickly. Thanksgiving had come around one year, and Matt got an alarming phone call. He sat down like the wind was knocked out of him. I asked him what was wrong, and he didn't answer. I asked him again, and he snapped at me and yelled, "My father is dead!" I too felt the wind being knocked out of me. I felt his devastation and heartache. Although at that time, I had never lost a loved one that close. He was heartbroken. He didn't get too emotional about it to the naked eye, but things were different. He was drinking more. He wasn't as family-oriented and loving to me like he had been before. He felt like he could have done something to help his father, and he would possibly still be alive. He felt guilty for turning his father away when he had asked to stay and live with us. His father at the time was addicted heavily to drugs. I refused and told him absolutely not; we have three children, and we cannot subject our kids to that. So he turned him away. Later down the road, that resentment he had towards me played a part in the hell we were about to endure. I don't think Matt had the heart he originally had at work either, and they saw that. He was later terminated from his dream job for drinking on the job and repeatedly coming in late. That was the beginning of the end for us.

The last four years were filled with trauma, chaos, confusion, broken hearts, dreams, and souls. Matthew's heart and soul slowly began to deteriorate, and I stuck by him through thick and thin. I stuck by him through the hurt and anger he had that was directed towards me. I stuck by him through his drug use and his repeated attempts to stay clean and sober. I stuck by him through the traumatic, irreversible abuse he put me through. The damaging emotional hell that caused me to change who I was and how I think. I am not, and never will be, the same person as I was because of what I endured. I did it for the love that we had for years and that I had cherished so incredibly much. I did it in a desperate attempt to save what we had, not knowing that we would never experience it again. With his drug use came paranoia. Then came hallucinations. Then the delusions. His insecurities and drug use caused him to be obsessed with me, and he thought that I would take the kids and leave him for another man. This thought eventually led him to take his own life. Our lives became like that movie, "Groundhog Day." We could basically expect the same thing day in and day out. I called it his "loop." I studied mental illnesses, I studied psychosis, I studied his habits and mannerisms. I studied the patterns he had. Then every day, I tried something new to see if it had a different outcome. I cried and begged and prayed, why, why me? And I continued to put myself in harm's way, barely hanging onto sanity to save my kids' father and the love we once had. Maybe if I hadn't stayed so long and tried, he would still be alive today. Maybe if I had been working and wasn't a stay-at-home mom, we would have had the funds saved up. So we wouldn't have to move to his mother's house. Which I have been told on more than one occasion, that the decision to do that was a mistake. Maybe if I had tried just one more thing different, it would have changed the outcome. Maybe instead of just talking about getting him Baker Acted, and actually doing it, he would have gotten the help he desperately needed. Maybe if I didn't stick around to have my emotional well-being demolished, then I wouldn't have had triggers and trauma responses that dramatically made our situation worse. I am an advocate for the importance of children having a mother and father figure in their lives. It is necessary throughout childhood so they become well-rounded, and it helps keep their emotional stability regulated. Everyone who knows me knows that I am avid about this, and I repeatedly vowed to never take Matthew's kids from him. He did not believe me. Even after years and everything I lived through. I told Matthew that I had nothing left in me. I had no more fight. I had to stop the madness; I had to stop the loop. He begged and pleaded through text and calls, but I blocked him. It was no different than any other time I had done the same exact thing and went right back to it a few days later. Besides me feeling completely hopeless and not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel anymore, I guess. He had lost the little bit of hope and light that he had in his life as well. On September 19th at 5 am, when I woke up for work, I looked at my phone and just barely awake, I read a text message that says, "WTF we just came home to Matt hanging in a tree??? He's gone, Melanie, Matt's gone." My first reaction was, what kind of sick joke is this? There was no joke, just heart-wrenching devastation. I became physically ill for hours. Hysterical. My children bared witness to me literally losing my mind. Our lives changed one morning, just like that. I'm now a single mother of three beautiful children without a father. It's just us now, and I'm expected to just keep going on, and now I need to not only work harder but try to comfort my children that don't fully understand, "Why did Daddy leave us? Why wasn't he happy? Didn't we make him happy?" THIS, this, by a long shot, is the most devastating, difficult thing I've ever experienced, and it is excruciating just thinking about the pain my children feel. I still believe he loved me and the kids. But he couldn't stop the racing negative thoughts in his mind. Not taking mental health seriously has devastating consequences. It caused us to lose someone we cared about deeply. If only we knew what we know now, maybe things would have turned out differently. I'm asking for a hand to get myself and my little soldiers' lives back on track. I shared a truck with Matt that we got a loan for. We still owe 17k, and that is three times the amount it is worth. We bought it at Rock Bottom Auto in Hudson, Florida. I can't afford to pay for this vehicle and rent a place out for us. I need help in any way. I will be forever grateful. I make glass-beaded jewelry and beaded sun catchers, and I'm very good at cleaning. I can barter and trade! I am humbling myself to ask for help because we are in desperate need of it, especially with the recent hurricanes that hit us. It is scary not knowing what our future holds. I am barely hanging on to this light that I hear is at the end of the tunnel. I need a guide to help me get to said light. Thank you for listening to the short version of my story. -Melanie Leeper

Edited: in response to the hurricane, the information required I input my name: Melanie Leeper, I live in Hudson, Florida, we live in the woods basically and are surrounded by trees. Some of the money raised will be put towards getting tree workers out here, so we can safely live and get to our property.

So I'd say roughly about 2500 on living and 500 on trees.