a series of disasters for jp
Donation protected
Well, here we are.
Y'all have known that I'm a little bit of a shit magnet, but 2019 has been one of the worst years of my life on so many levels.
(Note: Please do not identify my job or my full identity if at all possible. I am extremely afraid of retaliation.)
In January, I ended a relationship with an abuser who proceeded to stalk, harass, and assault me, including trying to convince people to let him into my apartment, violating a restraining order, physically cornering me in court until he had to be bodily removed, having his lawyer verbally abuse me to the point where we weren't allowed in the courtroom at the same time, filing false reports with the police saying that I use illegal drugs and own illegal weapons in the hopes that they would show up and go through my apartment, and regularly showing up in my neighborhood for no reason and bragging about it online. I was also forced to use my PTO on court dates related to the actions of my abuser, who deliberately no-showed and dragged out the process over several months.
Also in January, I came out at work as nonbinary. In February, I found out that a transphobic coworker had been stalking me because of it, following me into the restroom every time I went, documenting my bathroom use multiple times a day, and reporting me to HR for using the "wrong" bathroom. This was, I later found out, an attempt to harass me into feeling so uncomfortable that I would use another bathroom instead of the one they perceived as "theirs." (Joke's on them; I don't really have many other options.) Given medical issues with my kidneys that mean I have to use the restroom more than the average person, that means running the gauntlet of the person or persons who have been harassing me several times a day, five days a week. Also, this is extremely illegal.
The HR staff member assigned to my area tried to force me to reveal personal medical information about myself to "prove" that I needed to use a particular restroom in order to "make this go away." To this day, they protect the anonymity of my harasser, and actually gave that person(s) more power and validity by confronting me as the source of the problem. I reported this to my supervisor, who immediately reported it... to the same HR staff member. When I went above her head, HR cut me off entirely, and basically just pretended the whole thing never happened. I've had no transition support from my workplace since February.
This exacerbated the intense PTSD I already lived with from my abusive relationship, and the end result was hypervigilance, paranoia, and agoraphobia so severe that I could not leave my house off-and-on for extended periods. I sleep about 4 hours a night, have no short-term memory left, am constantly nauseous from stress whenever I'm in the office, and my doctor had to triple a bunch of my medication (which I can sometimes not even afford to get filled) to get me to the point where I'm remotely functional.
Despite documentation from multiple medical professionals demonstrating that, not only was I decidedly ill, but that the work environment was the direct cause of the downturn, my medical leave request was denied, and I was not allowed to use paid sick leave for this time.
This means that not only was I harmed by the actions of individuals employed by the company, but I'm also being harmed by my company itself as they refuse to let me use paid time off and are currently shorting my paychecks to make up for it -- (my 11/15 check, one week after being told that my reports would require an EEO investigation, is less than one-third of what it should be, which I'm fairly sure is timed as retaliation, and the last few months have been less dramatic but there is always time missing. In addition, I was denied even the ability to APPLY for ADA accommodations despite being qualified.
As insult to injury: because I missed so much work, my job put me on probation -- even though it was their fault I was out in the first place -- and I am not allowed to take time off for any reason until well into 2020. (Once 2020 happens, I will be able to take scheduled PTO, but I think it's highly likely that I will face retaliation for doing so until I am off probation.) This means that I still have to go to work even on days when leaving the house terrifies me to the point of throwing up. Last week, I came to work with a severe cold because I had no choice, and one of my supervisors literally came by my desk just to drop off a second copy of my probation paperwork and walk away -- aka, a passive-aggressive reminder that even though I couldn't breathe and had a horrible cough, I would get fired for not being at work.
As a bonus, they waited until October to put me on probation; during that time I am not eligible for promotions, raises, bonuses, or any other kind of reward for my work -- just in time for end-of-year, when all of those things are typically determined. So not only am I being shorted on my current salary, I'm being denied any kind of acknowledgement for the astronomical amount of work I do. This reeks of retaliation.
I cannot afford to leave my job. I am the only out trans person in the 100+-year history of my company, and the only trans person I know who tried to transition while staying in their current job, and it has been a nightmare that I regret almost every day. I wish I had stayed in the closet, but I didn't, and if that means spite-existing until this gets worked out, well, that's kinda my specialty.
Because of my checks being shorted, I have had to pay my rent on credit cards for the last three months and will have to do so again this month as well. I've had to indefinitely delay medical tests, procedures, and medications because I cannot afford them. My savings are long-deceased; I have an incredible emotional support system but zero functional backup plan and out of sheer overwhelming hopelessness have attempted suicide three times this year, two of which I have not even mentioned until this post.
Just to polish off the fun, my housing situation is about to become unstable again -- my roommate is leaving, and it's extremely likely that I'll have to either pay rent for the entire place or live with someone who pays a fraction of what their actual share of the rent is until my lease is up. I am moving with my girlfriend in June, after which things will be MUCH calmer, but until that happens, I am stuck in a situation that I absolutely cannot afford.
It causes me physical pain and anxiety to even write this post. I'm terrified of being identified and retaliated against. What I'm asking for is help with rent for the next several months, and the potential to make a dent in the amount of debt I've had to rack up from being screwed over in the months prior. It makes me sick to my stomach to have to ask for help from anyone, and I'm genuinely sorry.
Y'all have known that I'm a little bit of a shit magnet, but 2019 has been one of the worst years of my life on so many levels.
(Note: Please do not identify my job or my full identity if at all possible. I am extremely afraid of retaliation.)
In January, I ended a relationship with an abuser who proceeded to stalk, harass, and assault me, including trying to convince people to let him into my apartment, violating a restraining order, physically cornering me in court until he had to be bodily removed, having his lawyer verbally abuse me to the point where we weren't allowed in the courtroom at the same time, filing false reports with the police saying that I use illegal drugs and own illegal weapons in the hopes that they would show up and go through my apartment, and regularly showing up in my neighborhood for no reason and bragging about it online. I was also forced to use my PTO on court dates related to the actions of my abuser, who deliberately no-showed and dragged out the process over several months.
Also in January, I came out at work as nonbinary. In February, I found out that a transphobic coworker had been stalking me because of it, following me into the restroom every time I went, documenting my bathroom use multiple times a day, and reporting me to HR for using the "wrong" bathroom. This was, I later found out, an attempt to harass me into feeling so uncomfortable that I would use another bathroom instead of the one they perceived as "theirs." (Joke's on them; I don't really have many other options.) Given medical issues with my kidneys that mean I have to use the restroom more than the average person, that means running the gauntlet of the person or persons who have been harassing me several times a day, five days a week. Also, this is extremely illegal.
The HR staff member assigned to my area tried to force me to reveal personal medical information about myself to "prove" that I needed to use a particular restroom in order to "make this go away." To this day, they protect the anonymity of my harasser, and actually gave that person(s) more power and validity by confronting me as the source of the problem. I reported this to my supervisor, who immediately reported it... to the same HR staff member. When I went above her head, HR cut me off entirely, and basically just pretended the whole thing never happened. I've had no transition support from my workplace since February.
This exacerbated the intense PTSD I already lived with from my abusive relationship, and the end result was hypervigilance, paranoia, and agoraphobia so severe that I could not leave my house off-and-on for extended periods. I sleep about 4 hours a night, have no short-term memory left, am constantly nauseous from stress whenever I'm in the office, and my doctor had to triple a bunch of my medication (which I can sometimes not even afford to get filled) to get me to the point where I'm remotely functional.
Despite documentation from multiple medical professionals demonstrating that, not only was I decidedly ill, but that the work environment was the direct cause of the downturn, my medical leave request was denied, and I was not allowed to use paid sick leave for this time.
This means that not only was I harmed by the actions of individuals employed by the company, but I'm also being harmed by my company itself as they refuse to let me use paid time off and are currently shorting my paychecks to make up for it -- (my 11/15 check, one week after being told that my reports would require an EEO investigation, is less than one-third of what it should be, which I'm fairly sure is timed as retaliation, and the last few months have been less dramatic but there is always time missing. In addition, I was denied even the ability to APPLY for ADA accommodations despite being qualified.
As insult to injury: because I missed so much work, my job put me on probation -- even though it was their fault I was out in the first place -- and I am not allowed to take time off for any reason until well into 2020. (Once 2020 happens, I will be able to take scheduled PTO, but I think it's highly likely that I will face retaliation for doing so until I am off probation.) This means that I still have to go to work even on days when leaving the house terrifies me to the point of throwing up. Last week, I came to work with a severe cold because I had no choice, and one of my supervisors literally came by my desk just to drop off a second copy of my probation paperwork and walk away -- aka, a passive-aggressive reminder that even though I couldn't breathe and had a horrible cough, I would get fired for not being at work.
As a bonus, they waited until October to put me on probation; during that time I am not eligible for promotions, raises, bonuses, or any other kind of reward for my work -- just in time for end-of-year, when all of those things are typically determined. So not only am I being shorted on my current salary, I'm being denied any kind of acknowledgement for the astronomical amount of work I do. This reeks of retaliation.
I cannot afford to leave my job. I am the only out trans person in the 100+-year history of my company, and the only trans person I know who tried to transition while staying in their current job, and it has been a nightmare that I regret almost every day. I wish I had stayed in the closet, but I didn't, and if that means spite-existing until this gets worked out, well, that's kinda my specialty.
Because of my checks being shorted, I have had to pay my rent on credit cards for the last three months and will have to do so again this month as well. I've had to indefinitely delay medical tests, procedures, and medications because I cannot afford them. My savings are long-deceased; I have an incredible emotional support system but zero functional backup plan and out of sheer overwhelming hopelessness have attempted suicide three times this year, two of which I have not even mentioned until this post.
Just to polish off the fun, my housing situation is about to become unstable again -- my roommate is leaving, and it's extremely likely that I'll have to either pay rent for the entire place or live with someone who pays a fraction of what their actual share of the rent is until my lease is up. I am moving with my girlfriend in June, after which things will be MUCH calmer, but until that happens, I am stuck in a situation that I absolutely cannot afford.
It causes me physical pain and anxiety to even write this post. I'm terrified of being identified and retaliated against. What I'm asking for is help with rent for the next several months, and the potential to make a dent in the amount of debt I've had to rack up from being screwed over in the months prior. It makes me sick to my stomach to have to ask for help from anyone, and I'm genuinely sorry.
Organizer
jp sager
Organizer
Brooklyn, NY
