Hello, I am Marsi, and after much thought, I realized I needed to set up a fundraiser for myself. So let me start by explaining what happened:

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in my late 20s.

Doctors, talk therapy and medication, helped me. I was given the tools to manage it.

The depression came and went over the years, and I handled it by reaching out.

When the signs and symptoms reappeared about five years ago, I thought I could handle it on my own.

But I couldn't. I grew angry and ashamed that I was not able to overcome it. The depression had gone on for years. Why couldn't I stop this on my own?

The shame and self-hatred took over my thoughts. I isolated myself. I neglected my physical and mental health. I could not muster the energy to do even basic housework. Bills went unpaid. I numbed myself with food.

Then Covid.

I worked from home. More isolation.

It took everything for me to focus on my work. When my 8 hours were done, I would wrap myself up in blankets, exhausted at the end of the day.

I would cry for hours.

I spiraled even more out of control. I could not imagine that I could ever get out of the darkness that consumed my life. Finally, I came to the acceptance this would be my life.

Eventually, I returned to work in the office, and the depression hung over me still.

I put on an act every day for my family and friends.

"I am fine!" "Doing great!" That is how I tried to portray myself on the outside; inside, I was filled with dread and hopelessness.

Then in March of this year, my right leg got red, and the skin started to weep a clear fluid thru small wounds. I cleaned it up, wore bandages, and tried to dry it out at night.

The wounds got more extensive; then the wounds started on my left leg, and my legs swelled. I kept thinking it would get better. I tried to hide it; I denied it was happening.

It was a struggle to walk, and then my legs became painful. But I could not bring myself to the doctor. If I brought attention to this, my whole chaos-filled world would be on display.

I started to feel cold, and I was shaking with chills. Still, I did not tell anyone.

On the weekend of June 18th, my life came to a dangerous crossroads. Alone, sick, the wounds on my leg soaking thru towels, and I was scared.

I knew whatever was happening to me could kill me. Then the thought, "If this doesn't physically kill me, I will kill myself,"

In the past, I had fleeting thoughts of suicide, but I had been able to talk thru them and see the cause.

Now, my mind was foggy, I could barely focus, and the thoughts were not fleeting; the thoughts overwhelmed me.

I got to the Emergency Room and was admitted to the hospital for six days for lymphedema, infection from cellulitis, and uncontrolled high blood pressure. I received IV antibiotics, medicines, tests and therapy during that time. After I was discharged from the hospital, I was admitted to a rehab hospital for continued medical care along with Physical and Occupational therapies for two weeks.

Now I am at home following up and obtaining treatments with professionals who are helping me continue to improve my physical and mental health.

The decision I made to reach out for help saved my life. My fears that my family and friends would turn away from me when they saw what a mess my life had become were unfounded. When I finally asked for help, I was surrounded with love and support.

Now I am rebuilding my life. Mentally and physically, I am on the mend. My mind is clearing, like waking up after being asleep for years. Now I see the damage from those years and, at times I think, "I won't be able to repair this life!". But now, instead of isolating myself, I am reaching out again for help with unpaid bills, medical bills and supplies.

I know that this is a big request. If you can donate, I want you to know my friend Marian has taken over the handling of my finances. Marian will be working with my creditors to get my bills paid.

I want to thank everyone for their encouraging words, posts and cards. Every positive thought and prayer sent my way is part of my healing, and I am grateful.