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A new beginning: Living with OCD

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The hardest thing about living with OCD/Scrupulosity is that it robs you of your relationships.  You lose out on human companionship and sharing with loved ones.  It steals the most precious and fundamental essence of who you are....it attacks your soul.

"I loved her!  And she so loved me.  We talked as so many young lovers talk; of marriage and having a family and love making and growing old together.  I almost asked her to marry me once.  I think she would have said yes.  She's gone now and I was robbed. But so was she."

"My mother worried about me.  She knew something wasn't quite right.  I was unable to explain it to her.  I didn't know how.  I did my best to hide and not appear 'crazy'.  I was a good actor, but I didn't want to act.  I wanted to be me.  She's gone now and I was robbed.  But so was she."

"John always wanted to help.  He was a giver and my best and oldest friend.  I always wanted to give back and show how grateful I was for him being like a brother to me.  I wanted to compliment his intelligence, humor and love.  I kept getting worse.  He's gone now and I was robbed.  But so was he."

I have OCD.   Not the "washing" or "checking" kind that is so often discussed, but the form of OCD that comes with uncontrollable obsessive thoughts.  After nearly four decades of living with and battling against this unforgiving and relentless mental health disorder, I am ready to tell my story.  I want to help others who struggle with this disorder and their families to recognize, understand, and manage this disability. 

As a result of genetics, a strong faith, and growing up in a household that had an unintentional misunderstanding of mental illness, I find myself at this place, on this particular road.  It is here that I continue my healing and begin my mission.

My goal is to invite those affected by OCD, including families, friends, and therapists, to accompany me on this journey.  I want to share the ugliness, the pain, and the feeling of hopelessness that OCD is capable of as well as the joy, the energy, and the hopefullness that recognizing, understanding, and managing this disorder can bring.

I am asking for financial assistance in my quest so I can share, through writing, my experience living with and managing this powerful illness which is so often misdiagnosed and mistreated.  I want to offer the reader my life experience in dealing with OCD and hopefully make a positive impact as we continue to learn how to best live with this disorder.  I believe that I am at a place in my journey where I have learned and made enough progress to truly help those affected.  

I was recently invited by my therapist to speak to a psychology class at the University of Colorado.  The feedback was empowering and inspired me to find a way to offer my knowledge and experience to others.

According to The World Health Organization, OCD is the 4th most common mental illness in the world behind phobias, substance abuse, and major depression.  It is in the top 20 of causes of illness-related disability for 15-44 year olds.  At any given time, as many as 1 in 40 adults and 1 in 100 children are effected...not to mention the countless family and friends who struggle to understand their loved ones condition.  This suggests that OCD is more prevalent than we have realized, especially in children.  Symptoms increase through adolescence and intensify when coupled with the ordinary stresses of life.  Sadly, society has been slow to de-stigmatize mental illness.  Many people, especially children, never tell anyone or even realize they have the disorder.  People who are afflicted with OCD suffer silently.


Therefore it is probable that a large majority of those who live and work with children most likely have encountered children with OCD.  We need to recognize the symptoms.  We need to educate ourselves of the facts, and we need to continue the research of the different treatments.  Today, the understanding of OCD is stll in its infancy.  Serious medical research only began in earnest in the early 1980s.  For example, one could not find a consumer book about OCD until the late 1980s.  And most importantly, in my opinion, there is still a social stigma that surrounds OCD and mental illness in general.  

Treatment options are complicated.  Finding a qualified professional is profoundly challenging.  It has taken me so many years to find the right person who I feel confident with and trust to follow through with treatment protocols that actually help.  It took a long time to believe that someone might actually "get" the depth of this disorder.  It is profoundly isolating.  When talking about a mental health disorder such as OCD, the barriers often impact the ability to obtain help.  I have been struggling to find the right treatment for 20 years. I want to help others avoid suffering to this degree.

My timeline is simple:
1969 -- Born
1977 -- Earliest recognition that something was                                    different.  
1996 -- Diagnosis and understanding.  (First watershed                     moment)
1997 - 2014 -- Working with various professionals and                                    clergy.  (Second watershed moment)
3/14/14 -- First session with my current therapist                                       (Third watershed moment)

I see this journey in three parts: Recognition, Understanding, and Execution.  After being professionally diagnosed with OCD/Scrupulosity (the recognition), it felt like the flood gates were opened.  I felt like this was all I needed.  I had a name for what was wrong with me and a doctor who told me that it was my brain that was responsible for these frightening thoughts.  There was a reason!  I wasn't to blame.  I believed that now that I knew this I could simply live with it.  However, for the next twenty years I simply settled for the recognition of the disorder, not focusing on understanding the depth of what I lived with every day.  It was hell!  I did not treat the OCD like I needed to.  Yes, I took medication, and yes, I saw different therapists over the years.  However, and this is key; I didn't treat my condition as a mental illness.  I still held on to the social stigma that had been a constant roadblock toward healing.  This disease was not like  diabetes or high blood pressure or any other medical condition that could be managed with medication, diet, and exercise.  This illness was my mind.  I needed to find out what was going on up there.  I needed to understand this "OCD thing" if I was going to get better.  

I spent the years since1996 shedding light on understanding my OCD.  I was working daily trying to grasp the ogre that was infecting me.  I realized that understanding wasn't enough .  I needed help opening the door to begin my healing.  It is only recently that I have arrived at the third step in my journey (the execution of the plan to overcome).  This execution of my plan will be the bulk of my book; the soul of my story.

I want to help.  I want to listen.  I want to instruct.  I want to write.  Compassion, knowledge, empathy, instinct, fearlessness, intuitiveness, mindfullness, understanding, experience, passion...these are my gifts.  I wish to use these gfts to help others.  

I am seeking $25,000 so I may take a sebatical from my current work to write and publish this book.  I will work tirelessly with experts, therapists and editors.  If funded I expect to have a draft completed in six months.  For those participating in this campaign, I will gladly share excerpts via email as I go through the process.

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my campaign.  I believe I can make a difference.  I ask for your help.
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    Organizer

    David Boyan
    Organizer
    Denver, CO

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