A Mother's Journey Through Heartbreak

Aloha Everyone,

Some of you may already know this, but perhaps some of you do not. I have not publicly talked about it or posted much on it.

On October 6, 2024, my partner and father of my children (he loved Remington like his own), unfortunately killed himself. He walked off our 37th floor balcony while I was holding our son who was 15 months at the time. Most would think we were perhaps fighting, but we were not...

It was our first night together, me, bestie Angela, and him in our Airbnb. You see they didn't get along so when we first moved back to Hawai'i, we lived separate from each other. NP on his own and bestie and I together with the boys. After a few months they were getting along, and we decided to try to Airbnb for a month and then if all worked get a place together. NP and I had the room with the two Fulls and planned for Remington to sleep with me and Everton to sleep with him since we were weaning and he was used to dad at night during his over nights the few times he had with him...

NP went to bed around 830 and Everton was still up so I told him we would watch him and get him to sleep since it was a new place and might take a bit. He also had a very late nap. Finally at 1130 he fell asleep... so, I head to the bedroom and NP is in the middle of the bed asleep. I nudge him softly and ask him to just move over. We had a pillow on one side to stop him from falling out so the space to lay him was quite small. I nudge softly a few more times he kind of stirs doesn't move. He doesn't wake up. I say okay I'm going to lay the baby down hope he doesn't cry. Well, he is barely on the bed, and he starts to cry. NP jumps out of bed turns the light on and starts packing. I calmly ask what are you doing. He says, "I don't know what's going on". I explained calmly why I woke him up and what we talked about, he continues to pack. I ask what's going on. He shrugs continues to pack. "Where are you going to go?" He shrugs continues to pack, "I start to say thank you for helping us get this place, but I wish you would stay...." my "you would stay" changes to "What are you doing" as I see him head out the patio door I didn't realize he had opened on his way to pack until after talking to detectives... I can't even finish doing and he is gone... he just calmly walked off our 37th floor balcony while I was holding our son... Wild is not the right word but yes... Out of this universe is maybe more fitting....

We loved where we lived. We didn't want to move, but my youngest saw his dad everywhere we went. Pointing and saying Dada at all the places, not crying during these moments. Thinking he would see Dad tomorrow. NP walked with him all the time in that hiker. However, at night he would wake up between 11pm and 2am and just cry for 2 to 3 hours without being able to be consoled. The only thing I could think to heal him was move. I knew coming back to Maine would be a struggle for me, sitters, jobs, distance to those jobs etc... and it certainly has been. It did however immensely help our youngest. He stopped crying almost immediately after I changed his scenery...

NP had nothing set up for the boys before he left this world. Family and friends received his "estate", and I was beyond happy to know this as I have something priceless his son & love. They all deserve something of him even if just financial. NP tried to spoil me, and I would always say I wanted him, not his money....

I applied for DNA testing back in February it was supposed to be done by April. Well, the system messed up, and it was just now received by his mother who wants me to receive this stupid Survivor's SSI. Stupid because we would rather have him...

I have found a job which I greatly love, but paying for GOOD sitters isn't cheap, having a toxic family like mine that live local aren't much help either and A LOT of you know just how toxic they are... I have missed two days of work already do to sitter issues.

I have had other family members help with cell bills or cover remainder of rent. From what help I am receiving from the state which is EBT (gone down for work) and my tanf which has only been used to barely cover my rent, and another family member has been cover this balance. They have already helped so very much and two people aren't a village even though they try so hard and I appreciate more than ever can be explained. I know I have a village even if spread out over this nation.

I am reaching out to my friends of my travels, my friends of Facebook, my local friends, friends of friends asking for help. To get us through this last little rough spot we are in. The donations will be used to cover the rest of my rent for next month. Insurance on my car, cell bill and my utility that is about to be shut off. It will also help getting my care.com subscription back to find better more reliable sitters, and afford them. It would also help us with finally getting a urn as his own family never purchased one for him.

NP. Did not like his pictures posted when he was here, but he isn't, and he can't care now. We are not mad at him but the time he didn't give. I want people to know his face, the man I deeply loved, the handsome person he was, his intelligence which was brilliant, his love for me and his boys, he was a social butterfly and would give the shirt of his back to help someone, but also put up with no shit. We always said, "I was the female version of him, and he the male version of me" (he liked shopping and spending money WAY more than me), and to see the face of Mental Health and how important it is! I tried everything to break down the walls he had, he did a damn good job hiding them from me at the end, and he gave his best IRISH goodbye ever. He loved them its how we met. LOL!

Thank you to all for reading this, for any love or energy sent our way, for any donation to help our Ohana through this tough time, and know our family is sending the Aloha right back even in all this darkness.

If you cannot donate, then I please ask you this. Turn to someone, anyone, and tell them your darkest moments, go to therapy, it isn't and shouldn't been seen as a weakness but a strength asking for help. Mental health in this nation is a CRISIS, and shouldn't be so TABOO! Please know there is ALWAYS someone you can turn to. So please do! You are strong even in your darkest moments. We all are!

Mahalo, love & light.