On March 6th, the same day my family and I buried my adoptive father back in 2021, i found out my birth mother was admitted to the ICU. For reasons we’re still not sure of, she went into cardiac arrest while waiting for the bus and wasn’t helped for a significant period of time due to the damage done to her brain. My sister and I always had a fear since we were younger that we would possibly outlive her, but we never let ourselves think about it too much. Even though we were raised by others, she was still our mother and we still loved her and wanted her in our lives.

When the doctors came to talk to us, they told us that her heart had stopped three times on the way to the hospital. They were able to revive her each time but significant damage was done to her heart that if it were to happen a fourth time, it would not have been humane to resuscitate her. We asked what the chances of her recovery were and they put it very plainly. The problem they were having was her brain activity and not her heart now that she was stable. Because she was down for so long, the odds of her waking up from sedation were slim to none. There was little to no brain activity and they would know more once they had neurologists do scans of her brain. We were told that wouldn’t happen until the 72 hour mark, so it was a waiting game. My sister and I asked how long she’d have regardless, and they told us it would be mere days or weeks given her condition, but the results were still the same. She’d not make it to summer.

My birth mother was 48 years old, she had me when she was just 18. I spent the first four years with her that I still have no memory of. My baby sister, now 26, never got that. Once we were adopted, we hoped we’d get the chance to see her more, it’s what we always wanted, but like most, our birth mother was complicated. We spent so much time being angry and also wanting to feel close to her in whatever way we could. We never got the relationship we wanted with her, and now we never will.

Either way, when we found out what happened, neither of us could stomach leaving her side. I took five days off of work, and my adoptive mother came to help us with whatever she could at the hospital. My sister came as much as she could also, but the objective was clear. We wanted to do right by her. We didn’t want her to be alone. We didn’t want to fail her in this.

When the neurologists came to talk to us, I knew the results were the same. She was brain dead at 11:06am on March 9th of 2025. Just 14 minutes before I’d gotten there. I’m a realist, facts and logic are what i cling to. I rarely let myself believe in the impossible, but when they told us she was gone, I really thought we’d get a miracle. I thought we’d get another chance to get it right and I’d get to love and know my birth mother like most mothers and daughters know each other. But that wasn’t my reality. My reality was grief, and hospital forms i can barely fill out because I didn’t know that much about her, and family member updates, and nurses coming in and out wondering if i need water or juice or anything else to cope with the fact that my mother was their patient. My whole life I’ve known grief and I’ve known loss. But losing her has rocked me more than I ever thought it would.

My mother was an organ donor and she was able to save a few lives in all of this. The one thing I never forgot about her was that she always wanted to help someone if she could. I can only guess I got that from both her and my adoptive mother. Now, it’s been two weeks and her body is with the ME waiting to be taken to the final destination. My sister and I went with the decision to cremate her given that we didn’t want her to be buried if she had pieces of her missing. We found a cremation service that was affordable and also respectable in their process along with their urns and the total came up to 1,114 dollars including tax. Our adoptive mother, who has spent her entire life giving to the church my sister and I grew up in (our birth mother as well) went to fill out a donation form on our behalf. Unfortunately, the church denied our request since it’s not something as simple as a light bill or notice of some kind. While my sister and I both work hard, we don’t have savings, and we make just enough to cover necessities. I normally don’t miss work for anything, but I couldn’t bear the thought of not being there during all this. And I’m glad I did, even if it’s set me back financially for god knows how long.

My sister and I want to do this last thing for our mother, but we need some help to do it. I hate asking both strangers and those I love for help, but I’m putting my pride aside because I have to step up and do right by her. In so many points in my life I’ve hated my mother, mourned the relationship I could have had with her, been angry with her, but regardless I’ve always loved her. And I really hope she knows that, wherever she is now.

My sister and I are asking for 1250 due to the cost of the cremation, the urn, and to cover the 2.9% + .30 cents fee per donation that GFM takes out. We know everyone is struggling right now, so we don’t take asking for help lightly. Normally my sister and I never ask for help on anything, but having gone through two major deaths almost four years apart, we’ve had to get comfortable with reaching out to keep us from drowning.

If you made it to the end of this, I really thank you so so much. Any donation and share is greatly appreciated.