Help Kristina & Merlin stay safe & alive until we get SSI $

Welcome to my nightmare – I am praying you can help us wake up from it.

I have to write the campaign like this – stripped of emotion. or I will break down.

I am uncomfortable writing this – I don’t like to talk about myself much.

I have difficulty being in need – I have always been the one to support others.

I need help – our lives depend on it.

I have been living in a hell made just for me – like a black hole that is destroying me.

I am desperate – I am at the end of my rope. I don’t know if the rope even exists.

I am homeless – along with Merlin, my Emotional Support cat.

I was evicted in June – I was unable to pay rent. An obstacle for future housing.

I am in a wheelchair – perhaps for the rest of my life. I am 56 years old. This sucks.

I can’t walk much – my left foot was broken last year. It is not healing. It hurts.

I cannot keep us safe – I can’t defend myself or Merlin. I cannot run away.

I am scared – more frightened than I have been in all my life. Existential fear.

Merlin is scared – he has raging PTSD and has lost weight.

I have mental health issues – raging CPTSD and an SMI designation.

I have severe anxiety – with blood pressure at hypertensive crisis levels. Daily.

I have an abdominal aortic aneurysm – one anxiety attack away from a heart attack.

I have tried to get help – 11 months of obsession to the exclusion of all else.

Not sleeping for days. Not eating for days. Too exhausted and in pain to shower.

I have not been able to get help – there is too much need & not enough resources.

I have some ideas about how to help – just maybe when I am not fearing for my life.

I have lost almost everything – except my life & even that is in serious jeopardy.

I have lost everything I love – my small business and our garden (sanctuary).

My identity has been stolen – much time & effort to resolve plus a $500 security suite.

I am broke – with less than $150 to my name.

I don’t know how long we can stay at this hotel - $50 a day that I don’t have.

I don’t know where to go after this – where is the nearest homeless encampment?

I know I am not alone, being unsafely unhoused. There is no comfort in this thought.

I am going bankrupt – from $0 debt last September to $25k today & unable to pay.

I have no income – I have had no income since October 2021.

I am disabled – too disabled to work since October 2021.

My rent & basic living expenses were being paid for by a kind family member. When they passed away this lifeline went away too. It was a double blow. Painful.

I applied for SSDI – in July 2022. SSA has still not approved my application.

I was approved for SSI – I just need to find a way to survive until benefits arrive.

SSA said it would take 2 months to get benefits – I am in for an excruciating 60 days.

SSI has a limit on income – SSA penalizes income of over $2k/month

I must raise $1,800 by the end of August – & again in September & maybe October.

I am trying to take it one day at a time. One moment at a time. Just get through now.

Here is how the $1,800 for August will be spent:

$900 to stay in the cheapest hotel in town – because we won’t survive sleeping rough.

$200 for food and misc. expenses – SNAP benefits are paid on the 10th of each month.

$100 to pay for storage – my life is in that unit. Important paperwork & items to $ell.

$600 to cover credit card payments – emergency funds and holding off bankruptcy.

I can make it work with limited resources – I am a minimalist at heart.

My brand-new laptop died on me – a gift from my dad who has limited resources.

The replacement laptop had to be replaced – beware of Dell.

I have a working laptop now – I just don’t know how to power it when living rough.

I was taken in by a family who wanted to help – so hostile I had to get out quickly.

I have slept rough, in a hammock with Merlin in his carrier. That did not go well.

I slept in a tool shed when the monsoon storms began. At risk of electrocution by lightning and washed away by floods. Dangers I will face living rough once again.

100+ degree heat, killer storms, many types of predators - animal and human - lots of coyotes, just looking for the human (and cat) that is low hanging fruit.

That’s me! And Merlin too! Petrified with fear.

I am ill – like 52 doctors in 18 months for 262 doctor visits ill. Now I go to none.

I am ‘too complex to treat’! – so I get no treatment. I can only hear that so many times.

I have good doctors, finally – 2 amazing PCPs. referrals to 13 specialists. I can’t go to any appointments. Not until we are stably housed. I am desperate for physical & mental health care.

I am looking forward to getting care from them – to keep my body from self-destructing.

Here is what I contend with on a daily basis:

Constant, unbearable, intractable pain – since I was about 5 years old. Killer pain.

No pain relief – I am a non-metabolizer of the usual meds. I vomit them up quickly.

Degenerative disc disease in cervical spine – very painful & difficult to hold my head up.

Headaches so horrendous I want to take my head off – instead I shave my head.

Untreated pain – I make pain relieving topical that can’t be put on a head with hair.

Pain topical – highly effective & smells divine. I put that s**t on everything!

Thoracic spinal compression – it hurts to breathe. I wear a corset when it gets bad.

Scoliosis in the lumbar spine – it hurts to sit & to lay down. My tailbone even hurts.

Osteoporosis is disintegrating my body – bone don’t heal. It grows in the wrong place.

Joints that are failing – osteoarthritis of the knees. I don’t trust them to hold me up.

Neuropathy of the hands & feet – I can’t hold anything & feet feel like walking on cactus.

Hyperparathyroidism – fatigue, kidney stones, joint pain, weight loss, depression.

Hypercalcemia = osteoporosis = bone loss & abnormal bone growth, disintegrating fingernails. At high risk of serious injury from a minor knock or fall.

My left foot, broken in at least 6 places – possibly more - won't heal & maybe never will.

Ulcers – ‘nuff said.

Gastroparesis, hereditary - Paralyzed digestive tract, top to bottom. Water is a choking hazard.

Uncontrolled weight loss – stress & gastroparesis. 116lb to 88lb in 9 months @ 5’5”.

Insufficient nutrient uptake – no matter how healthy or how much I eat.

Fibromyalgia – fatigue, fibro fog, widespread pain, depression, insomnia…

Broken & calcified big toe on right foot – painful & not wheelchair friendly.

Abdominal aortic aneurysm. 18 months ago my full cardio workup showed a healthy heart. The lung cancer screening last summer showed nothing of concern. Now I have a heart that can explode at any minute. This is the scariest one of all.

There are a few more but that is all I squeeze out of my pain addled brain.

All of this makes life extremely difficult. Depressing. Defeating. Scary.

Somehow I am able to put a smile on for others, with a kind word, and a laugh.

A welcome distraction from all I am going through. It feels good to make others smile.

When they see me, obviously broken, with a smile, I hope it helps them feel like they can get through their own struggles and find a way to smile too.

OK. You are brave to have gotten this far!

I ask you to walk a few steps in my shoes - or boot and shoe as the case may be.

That must have been painful to read.

It was painful to write.

It was certainly painful to live through.

It is not as painful as what potentially awaits Merlin and me on Monday August 26, 2024 at 10:31 am when we have to leave this safer (?) shelter for no shelter.

It is not as painful as living with the uncertainty of not knowing what waits for you next. Coyote? Human? A broken hip after a fall out in the desert?

Who knows? But it is probably not good. And I don't think I am being pessimistic.

I am now living like I am actively dying. If I am going to push my body & mind to the limit it should be for the most critical task. I can't think of any task more critical than keeping us safe. Nothing more critical than saving our lives.

Once again, I am unable to save us on my own.

Would you please consider helping us? I would be eternally grateful.

It would mean the world to us if you did!

We would literally owe you our lives.

Rest assured, I always pay it forward

I am here to help make the world a better place just as I have done throughout my entire 35 year professional career. . I just need to figure out how to survive until I receive $$I.

Thank you for your time. I am humbled that you would consider helping us.

Stay safe!

Be well!

God bless you!

Please keep us in your prayers!

Please check this space from time to time. I will try to make regular updates and definitely will be giving words of thanks to everyone who chooses to help us.