Help With Legal Fees, Self Defense, and Healing After Abuse

TL;DR: I was denied a Protection Order against my narcissistic ex bf who has been stalking me all year and now I owe a lot of court fees after he dragged out the process considerably. Because of these fees, it is nearly impossible for me to get the therapy I need, pay for self defense classes to help me feel safe without a PO, and to finally move to a different area so he can't find me as easily. Even the smallest donations will help me through this extremely difficult time. I have written about my ordeal in more detail below.

Hello Everyone!

This is a really difficult thing for me to do, after what has already been a very difficult several months. I am not usually one to ask for help, or to ask for so much of it. Lately, I feel like all I’ve been doing is asking for help, and this will be my biggest ask yet.

Two years ago, I met a man on an online dating site, a relationship which became serious in the late fall. At the time I didn’t see that while I was working on building a healthy relationship, he was establishing a pattern of disrespect and disregard for my own humanity in the relationship. But, by June 2023, he had crossed so many boundaries and lied in so many ways, I had started to see the reality: I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship.

Still, I was not aware of just how much of a skilled manipulative liar he was. In addition to ending the relationship in June, I asked for no contact until October, at which point we could reconnect and see if we could still be friends. I knew that I would be unable to move on, heal, and stay strong for myself if we remained in touch. He agreed at the time, but it wasn’t long before he was flooding me with contact: texts, emails, flowers, and more. At times I tried to reason with him, to let him know how negatively his behavior was affecting my mental health and that I had not changed my mind. After over a month of this, I let him know I would seek a Protection Order if he kept contacting me when he had said he wouldn’t.

That got him to back off, at least until he showed up in October, and in a moment of weakness I let him in. I shared how scary his actions were, how he was behaving like a textbook abuser and narcissist. He convinced me we could still see if we could be friends. Still cautious about falling back under his spell, I asked that we start with email only; his emails would be auto-directed to a folder so I could check them when I was prepared. I tried meeting up with him once at the end of October. Despite still recognizing the same red flags, I couldn’t help believing that the two of us were reasonable human beings - mature enough to have an ongoing friendly relationship. The next time I contacted him was the end of November for his birthday. We had some fun texts but left the conversation clear that we’d be going back to email only. In short order he revealed that he could not be held to that boundary. He emailed me a gift card, knowing I would not be looking at his auto-filtered emails, but that he could still reach my inbox through third parties. Then he shared multiple youtube videos of himself talking at me (one of which was 28 minutes long!). He was finding loopholes in our agreement to stick to email messages only, in hopes I would finally break my silence. I continued to not respond to any of this, yet at 2 in the morning on January 23rd, 2024, he sent me another video of himself, crying. He said he needed to talk to me and was going to show up at my door. As established, he knew I would not even be aware of the email, yet he claimed he would show up if I didn’t respond telling him not to. He tried to address this by then saying he would call me on my phone, where, as he was aware, his number was blocked. When I did see this message, I was completely at a loss. It felt like he was using the fact that he was blocked from reaching me to his advantage, as a loophole to come harass me in person. So that afternoon, I told him in an email that I need a clean break and absolutely no further contact, because any contact with him puts me in a stress response. He replied a bunch of times, each time saying he understood and he wouldn’t contact me again.

Nevertheless, he showed up at my door Feb 26, knocking and trying to get in. I had a friend who is an attorney call him to let him on my behalf to reiterate what no contact means. And still, on May 25, he sent me yet another email, and then in the first week of June I got a package that had a longer version of the email and a book. He said he sent the package because he knew I wouldn't get the email, which he seemed to think excepted him from the no contact stipulation. All throughout these unwanted contacts, each message he ended by claiming it was the last one. At this point I couldn’t fathom ever being able to take him at his word again.

I filed for a Stalking Protection Order, and my case fit the statute to a T. My lawyer friend was very confident in my success, and I hired my own lawyer for extra protection and certainty. I kept my petition focused on the stalking episodes while ensuring redaction or omission of sensitive information - but in his (also public record) response, he dragged out our entire relationship history. On top of that, he convoluted the series of events, got dates wrong, lied (of course), minimized his actions, and blatantly misquoted from my own statement. At this point, I felt the fullest depths of deep regret of ever having reopened the lines of communication with him. With the power of hindsight to see through the lovebombing and gaslighting to recognize his disrespect and abuse for what it was, it was both finally clear and very sickening. The entire process of having to entertain his fantastical responses in this case has only served to re-traumatize me. I honestly began to wonder if not only was I already guilty of falling for a narcissist, but an actual lunatic, after seeing how in his response he re-wrote history, making off-base accusations and lies. I had evidence, emails and pictures and chats, to counter each lie, and shared them with the court. But apparently the sheer volume of that evidence overwhelmed the court. Why that became my fault for providing the contradiction to his lies, rather than his for lying in the first place is beyond me.

At the hearing, the judge was oddly fixated on our brief reconnection in October. The fact that, when he showed up after our post-breakup no contact time elapsed, I attempted to reestablish contact in good faith overruled the months of harassment that followed. The judge attempted to sum up my past year of victimhood to this man’s games as “two people trying to communicate after a long relationship”. She said he acted reasonably after I completely cut things off in January, because he was hurt. It was painful and invalidating to have my entire story summed up so incorrectly by the same person who I came to for help.

I feel so helpless right now. After all this, it doesn’t matter what I said, what hard evidence I provided, the court ignored it all, blinded by the fact that I opened the door in October, when I was still not fully aware of or prepared for his emotionally manipulative tactics. What makes me feel the most shame looking back on all this is how much I internalized his gaslighting, second-guessing my gut reactions and concerns. I have felt so stupid in this process as I’ve had to keep reliving all the lies and manipulation. It’s hard to reread that and forgive myself for staying and giving him so many chances.

I know that I have ADHD and anxiety, and a history of abuse. Years of working on myself has taught me the impact that therapy, resources, family and friend support, and more have on a person’s wellbeing. But this hard-fought wisdom and awareness only worked against me, and the judge accepted his claim that this past in fact proves I am overly sensitive. That this case did not fit the “reasonable person” standard. But I know the women in my life, and they agree with me. They have been here since the beginning as I was double checking myself, making stronger boundaries, and finally slowly leaving the relationship. And the men in my life have also confirmed emphatically that they would never see what he did as reasonable behavior from themselves or their friends. None of them would behave this way. The court may be willfully ignorant, but it is clear to us all that this man is the outlier, not me.

What is so embarrassing is that I thought that by now I was strong. I had been through some tough life events, and came out the other side. I’m still not sure how or when I’ll manage to be able to trust myself again in a relationship. Right now, I really don’t think this whole ordeal was worth it. Since May I have been working on this case. There were weeks where I barely slept 3 hours a night from the stress of him dragging it all out over three continuances and multiple responses, in which he seemed to only get more out of touch with reality. This entire process took a huge mental and physical toll on me, and now I’m concerned about how he might continue to escalate after having taken him to court and lost.

The costs have been high, monetary and non, but I realize I did learn and grow from these tumultuous couple years. I must remind myself that I handled this traumatic experience with a lot of strength, and while my mental health suffered, I was still able to keep up with my responsibilities and self-care far better than if it were 10 years ago. Now that I have seen the inner workings of narcissists, I am working to recognize red flags from the outset, and will never again let myself overlook them. I also learned I have so many people who love and support me. I needed character references to support my petition, and they were the most heartwarming and reassuring things to read about myself when I was in such a difficult place. Seeing the person these loved ones of mine wrote about, and comparing that to the vision I have of myself right now, I feel like I have really lost who I am. I even had a friend come by and help with chores while I was writing a response on 5 hours of sleep in 3 days. Asking for help is so hard for me, and I am so grateful to everyone who has been instrumental in helping me survive to this point.

And so now I must bring myself to do the hard thing. Because I did not get the protective order, not only do I not have the protection against my stalker, I am also on the hook for the lawyer’s fees, which are significant in light of how he dragged out the whole case. I’m not sure what my final bill will be, but the estimate I got a few days before the hearing was at least $16,000. This is after I’ve already had to stretch my budget to invest thousands of dollars in specialized therapy to overcome all this trauma – never mind now working past this last victimization by the court system itself. It’s clear that I won’t be able to afford to move from this same address where he has targeted me for a long time.

I’m asking for help to be able to overcome these attorney fees, future therapy, and self defense classes. To help me be me again, and get back to being the person who helps others. Every little bit helps. This bill might seem massive and insurmountable now, but as my friends are reminding me (constantly): change starts in small steps. I plan to take all the small steps I can to get back to being that amazing person you all used to know.