Charity run & Memorial - John, Geoff & my parents

Well, here we go.

Firstly, I've got no idea what I am doing here or how I should structure such a piece. I am just directly typing from mind to keyboard.

I usually don’t have the courage to talk, to open up, it’s one of my biggest weaknesses but here I am. I’ve had family deaths, close friends pass away and it doesn’t matter the person whether it family or not, I internally lock up and refuse to talk. I know this isn’t healthy and it’s affected me a lot over the years which sees me distance myself, push loved ones & friends away because of it. If you are reading this, I am sorry.

For the first time, I really feel like I can open up & express my feelings. I think it’s because I’ve read so much, watched a lot of streams & videos of a grieving industry expressing their love for Geoff. I’ve also been talking with so many of the SC2 family and we are all in so much pain but it’s been incredibly inspiring and moving how we are there for each other, picking each other up. If you lot are reading this, I love you all so much.

What this has seemingly done is open my eyes to how important talking is. I hope there are at least a few people out there who read this and can relate to what I am writing and can take something from this.

Esports is really sometimes quite strange, how can all these individuals, these communities who all live across the world be so close to each other? I see my closest friends just a few times a year. So many esport communities have never even met each other before, yet still feel like a connected family? It really doesn’t make sense if you write it down but is a part of the magic that is esports.

What I am doing
Trying not to cry while writing this but essentially I have been training for the Lake Vyrnwy Half Marathon for the last 2months which takes place on September 8th. I would like to create a little charity collection for it.

I will be running for the reasons slightly mentioned above but in detail below. I’ll donate all proceeds to charity.

What & who am I running for?
My mum - At peace May 16 2005
Mental health awareness

This is a topic I have never brought up but I think it important to do so. Something I have kept to myself for all these years but in 2005 at the age of 15 I lost my mother to depression and ultimately suicide. It’s obviously not an easy topic to talk about. I think there are a lot of unique reasons that people get into esports and this is mine. When this happened, I shut the entire world off and turned to gaming & esports as my escape. 

My Dad - At peace March 2 2018
Parkinson's Dementia

My dad eventually lost the struggle after being diagnosed with Parkinson's back in 2001. He went through 17 years of slow decline with 13 of those being a single parent raising three teenage boys. A rock and anchor in my world, he believed in what I was doing, trusted my decisions despite how strange they sometimes were. Some would say my biggest fan over the years. 

This was the start of a very difficult 1.5 years for me. My father passed during IEM Katowice 2018 and I will forever hold guilt for being on the fence about leaving early - I just didn’t expect it to happen, I thought he could hold on. I delayed leaving for a few days because I cared so fucking much about the event & the SC2 tournament I was running. I eventually decided to leave Friday March 1st. I landed that evening at around 11pm but didn’t want to go see my dad and wake him up that late so went straight to my brothers, we planned on going to visit him in the morning. We got the dreaded call at 6am. I couldn’t get back, I didn’t get back in time to say goodbye.

John ‘Totalbiscuit’ Bain - At peace May 24 2018

I remember the day that John was diagnosed with terminal cancer and it felt like the world was ending. This was in 2015 & I went straight to a bar in Cologne to drink. Fast forward a few years to BlizzCon 2017 and I remember standing in awe watching John get up from behind stage and out into the audience to cast with more energy than anyone else on that day, tbh, with more energy than the both of us combined at our peak together. I have never been so inspired by the resilience & the stubbornness of John to pursue and push forward to continue doing what he loved no matter what he was going through.

Geoff ‘Incontrol’ Robinson - At peace July 21 2019
Thrombosis / Pulmonary embolism

I am really going to miss you Geoffry. I still can’t believe it and I’ve said this to a few people but I think over the next few months the reality just won’t hit for me. This is simply because in the last years we’ve only been able to meet 2-3 times a year. It’s hard to explain but in esports we all see each other so little… but I know for a fact it will hit when everyone gets together at either BlizzCon or Katowice next year and you aren’t there with us. It is going to so fucking difficult without you. There are really no words I can write that truly express what I am feeling right now. I am sad, we are sad, the void that you will leave is not replaceable.

If you’ve made this far and still reading, thank you. This took considerably longer to write than you’d think. As mentioned I have no idea what I am doing, I am just writing so thank you for reading.
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Shaun Clark 
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