Hola!

Here goes nothing. Doing it scared. Asking for help, cause one thing I've learned in therapy and life is that I can't do it alone. And sharing means connecting and finding people who will fight this fight with me. So, let me tell you a little story of someone who, in finding a way to survive, started slowly killing herself and is now looking for a way to get the spark back.

I am Myrthe, dancer, writer and currently fighting the biggest fight of my life, the fight agains one of the deadliest of mental ilnesses, Anorexia Nervosa. That's battle number one won, I have never actually said that.

Looking for my spark

For most of my life I've been struggling with disordered eating and a bad body image. I wouldn't allow myself to nourish this body that I hated so much. I've been hungry for years. Then the pandemic happened, I lost my job, my identity and on top of that 4 loved ones in the space of a couple of months. This aggravated the eating disorder into a life threatening coping mechanism. There it is, I have never actually said this but I have Anorexia Nervosa.

So since the pandemic I've spent my time slowly breaking myself down, making myself smaller, punishing myself. This led to hospital stays, tubefeeding and long inpatient treatments where they've told me they don't know what to do anymore. The thing is, I myself, have to do something. I have to start eating and keeping it down. Facing the fear of weight gain, judgement and the future head on.

The plan now is to start all in recovery. No meal plans, no weigh ins, no clinic stays but just plain and simple eating. Eating what and when I want. Listening to all my hunger signals, physical, mental and emotional. No food rules, there is no too much, there is no unhealthy. Want to eat a jar of peanut butter? Go ahead. Hungry at 1 am? Eat. Thinking of food even though you just had dinner? Go get that chocolate. Gaining weight is gaining health and happiness and life and, for the first time in years, I know that that is what I want. I am done with slowly dying and want to start fully living.

Running towards the fear

This has been the plan but actually starting it is hard. There's just so much fear. This is where you come in. My hope is , that going away, going to Mexico, where I lived for 10 years, will help in jumpstarting recovery, actual, self motivated recovery. I know it might sound like a flight, running away, but I hope that being in different surroundings where very few people know what is going on, I will feel the freedom to really go for it.

For the past few months I have been dreaming of the food in Mexico. The vegan taco's I would have on my zero waste grocery runs, chilaquiles I would allow myself once every so often, gluten free donuts I would have on my way to the metro, quesadillas I would eat with friends. I've made lists on where to go and what to get and I've kept that list and will work my way through it, bite by bite, and share it with you all through my social media where I will be documeting my all in journey.

One big step

The fact that in Mexico there's less focus on the body, people call each other gordita and flaquita without judgement, is also helpful. I feel like here, in the Netherlands, people are judging when and what I eat. Getting a chai latte with friends, they'll think I'm greedy and fat and am not sick. Eating when there's people around, they'll think I am just pretending to be sick. In Mexico I could get a street taco and people wouldn't give it a second thought, besides the: woow, that blonde can hold her spice:-) That's my hope, that I will feel that way.

I feel like the accountability will help in breaking these bad, life threatening habits. If I lose weight while in Mexico I will have to pay everyone back:-)

No more laying back, it's time to get to work

So, it's hard to ask for help, but here I am doing it anyway. Would you, dear friend, help me fly to Mexico and make a real start on real recovery. Working my way through Mexico City, bite by bite. Going to Mexico to get my life back. I will keep everyone updated with delicious food pictures and reviews and anecdotes of my time there.

PLAN

Fly to Mexico

Bring a bag of food and snacks on the plane, eat it and keep it down.

Eat my way through my dream list and share pictures and reviews with you all!

See friends and 'family' I haven't seen since we, all of a sudden, were faced with a lockdown that kept me from saying goodbye to the people and country I had spent 10 years with.

Translate the book on recovery by Tabitha Farrar for fellow sufferers and therapists.

Going back to the boxing gym and, in a healthy way, find my strength.

Listening to podcasts on recovery and summarize the information I find.

Keep in touch with my treatment team, family and friends and ask for help when I need it.

Take dance classes and find my groove back, working my way back to the stage that I love so much.

Dance salsa and find the joy in dancing for fun, not perfection.

Live, find time and energy to actually live and not be consumed by thoughts about weight and food and fear.

Go all in, running towards the fear and find my light and life back.

The money would be used for flights, accomodation, travel insurance, outings in Mexico City and food, food, food:-)

Making food my friend again

This is the goal, finding my way back to strong, and hopefully, back on stage.