I'm not sure how to even start this. I don't really worry about the judgment or the questions of why I waited so long because I know those things come from people who haven't been in this situation. The biggest thing I think is, I thought I could do this without the help. I cannot. I see now that I cannot.

Ive been married to this individual for 13 years. Weve been together for 15 years. My children call him Dad. This is not just a random person that has problems. This is a man that I've tried desperately to get mental help for years because I loved him so much. I fell out of love with him in 2020 and have been trying to find a way out since.

The first time he choked me I did not call for help. I confided in his brother's girlfriend. The second time he did it I called the police. He was arrested and he claimed it was from PTSD. I believed him and fought to get him help with the VA. Over time the abuse came in different ways, if I upset him, he would take family photos off the wall and hide them. He would take off in my vehicle and stay gone for a day or two. He would rip the steering wheel from my hands if I was driving. If he was driving, he would threaten to run us into traffic. He punched his truck all because I answered a phone call from my kids father and now has metal rods in his hands, hes gone through my sm and phone to block people he felt I didnt need to speak with, hes punched holes in the walls, thrown things at me and toward me, He has tried to keep me from working by taking my vehicles apart, draining the gas, hiding my vehicle, hiding my keys, accusing me of sleeping with coworkers. ive had family and friends help me get to and from and help get the kids to and from but it is a lot for an employer when they can't rely on their employees. Some of this is documented with the police and some it was more like being told if the police came out and there is no evidence, it's he said she said and depending on what's said I could be the one going to jail. So, the victim is typically silenced due to that. Walk on eggshells and be a good girl. I had a stroke and a heart attack 2 years ago. The cause was due to stress. Long term stress. I have videos on the ring doorbell of me just sitting back while has kicking my things and tossing things. That was before the stroke. I watched the videos a few times and given the way he treated me while I was in rehab to walk again, I thought to myself im not going to sit and take it anymore. I started to speak up. I started to vent and let it out. I felt brave. That's not brave. That's a stupid thing to do and I don't recommend it to anyone. Speaking up and being vocal about the abuse only made people side with the abuser. He will work on their cars for a very reasonable price, so I think that is also why he has people helping him harass me. This order has no distance. Hes not allowed at my job, house or my Childs school. So, he sits across the street, next door and just drives by job. Honking to make sure I know he's there. I have a folder full of this and recordings day after day. Horns scare me now and I ponder on that and giggle. I cant sleep with my light off, horns scare me. How silly does that sound. How incredibly ignorant does that sound?!

He was arrested the day of the order for not listening to the police. He was arrested again for going against it when he got out. He had his friend go into the place I work, Then he drove by honking and the manager recorded it, He then made his way to my house and was unplugging my cameras and loading up his truck and had my moms trailer hooked up to his truck. I had a few other cameras he didnt know of so it caught it all. Thankfully the cops showed up right away and he was hauled off again. Hes now out and awaiting trial.

He has taken the pay the last 2 months. Hasn't paid the mortgage or any of the bills. Mortgage is behind 2 months. He had the electric shut off and watched us next door. I got the electric on and its now in my name. He did the same with the water. That is also now in my name. I've not been able to do actual grocery shopping in 2 months. My daughter and I are only home to sleep lately. Especially since he sits next door every single day. I do have a part time job, and my 2 vehicles are paid off. My paycheck isn't enough to get by and now I'm having to catch up on things he has neglected even before he was removed from the house. I do know this is abuse as well and there will be consequences on his part but until then I am struggling. I am in the beginning parts of the divorce process. I just need help with bills until I can get on my feet, and I can get a second job. I start therapy on December 1st and that's out of pocket as well. My mental health is defiantly something I need help for.

With the money that would go to our bills he's spent it on a new car, a motorcycle, rims for his truck and he's looking in tattoo shops for more ink. it's all wasteful and because the money is gone, even going to court over it he can't give me what has been spent. It's only been 2 months and hes blown through so much money. I know this all because he sits next door talking about it and showing it all off. If you can find it in your heart to help me I will pay it forward. I am signed up to ring for the salvation army, I will be signed up to help hand out food boxes with programs in the town I work in. Anything left over from the money donated to me I can donate to DV shelter or a family I know is going through the same thing. I feel lost, I cry more these days over things that just aren't even worth a tear. I don't know how to navigate this part of my life. Im told to tell my story, told not to tell my story. Im told to ignore him, then im told to fight. Im told to give it to God and then Im told to feel the pain and anxiety and cry it out. I know people mean well. I know they all want to help with the best advice they have but it can be a lot and overwhelming. I do sew and crochet for extra money. It doesnt bring in much but it has been enough to help me get my kiddo to and from school. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this.

If you are a person of prayer I do ask that you lift my family and I up in prayers of protection and strength. Also pray for the abuser that he may find a path that is more positive and to make better choices.