Healthy Life

Hello my name is Zack. All my life I was very motivated to make a difference in the world. I am a writer and an artist. And starting six or seven years ago i also began inventing a new kind of therapy I found to be really helpful.

However five years ago when i was only 25 I began having serious chest pain issues. It continued for weeks and months. It was only getting worse. It was scary... when the doctors never found anything wrong.  And my family.. they didn't seem that concerned. they took me out for meals. smiled at me a lot. kept up "good cheer". They didn't want to hear about the pain. Almost like they thought it was funny. It felt like they could be kind of 'floaty' at times (aka aloof), one of them in particular. I needed someone who was down to earth. This was getting serious. It was scary.. because i needed a friend.. I needed serious help. If the doctors weren't going to help, i at least needed a friend who really understood my health situation.... However the situation only became increasingly serious. I became very exhausted on a regular basis. And was afraid even to go to sleep when the pain would continue. It felt like my heart would stop working. I had to quit working because it was so intense. Trying to work like this felt simply insane. Even my boss was concerned "why would you show up to work if you are sturggling this much?" Me "because my mom told me to?" It was scary. and it went on and on.

...I used to be one of the best athletes on my running team. Now I was struggling to get out of bed. It was scary to be in physical agony... to feel like the life was draining from your body... like you were going to die.. and have people around you simply refer to you as "depressed" or "going into his shell". It was simply disgusting.. how they handled the situation. I needed help. I needed a diagnosis. I needed permission to slow down the exhaustive expectations of my life. To have the time for self care I so desperately needed. i needed money and a place to live. but it was constantly confrontational. "why aren't you working!" "this not working thing is not ok!" "we are giving you one week!" And it only got worse. Even to this day.. many of the people and friends i used to know probably think during that darkest time of pain... that i was probably just having "depression" or "motivation" issues. It's sad, when you can't seem to find the basic ability to communicate with people around you. when assumptions get made, and perpetuated by a difficult family situation. It became "normal" to treat the physical challenges I had as "not real" and that somehow made it increasingly "ok" to go on aggravating the situation. They didn't just ignore my problems... they got very confrontational about why i wasn't signalizing longer hours and why i wasn't working. They would send people to my door... shame me for being a "room dweller". I've become increasing social over the years.. yet they tried to blame it on a simple matter of "intervention" which was just creepy.. i didn't even identify as an introvert anymore. I really like people. I began avoiding my family and would seek connection elsewhere at random public areas where i could simply relax and be outside.. it was exhausting my family constantly buzzing around me.. trying to engage me in long complex conversions while I was having so much physical pain and exhaustion, it was difficult even to speak without triggering stabbing pain.. It was hard.. the way they ignored the situation and my opinions all together.. according to them there was no problem that "therapy" could not fix. We had a therapist piratically living with us. I stayed calm through much of it. It was really a "test of faith" you might say. Feeling that the real you is invisible. A few times in that first year or two I became very angry with my family. I didn't know what to make of it all. The pain was so intense. But they way they denied the situation so absolutely and complicate.. that was scary on some other level. Going forward with life.. I've made a lot of new choices regarding the type of people i surround myself with. All along with my family things had "felt well and good" on the surface. But in this time when I have needed help the most they way they misunderstood the situation was catastrophic. I calmly and clearly articulated what was going on every step of they way but they refecused it flat out every time. "your wrong" "your imagining it." I've since made new friends that understand how crazy this all was. But i can't rely on my friends for financial support when they don't make that much themselves. I have friends now who understand the problems i have and don't blame it on my "character" or my "motivation".

It has been intense, but my family had turned on me, they accused my "motivation" and "responsibility". I was physically struggling to move and exist. It kept getting worse for months. The doctors shrugged it off... blamed "anxiety." That was so laughable. Yet my mom soaked it right up. "anxiety" was never a convincing explanation... given i was totally calm the entire time this was going on. I wasn't afraid to die, I've always been a kind of intense fearless motivated person... And that's why it was hard when people were so quick to attack my "motivation."  This problem was effecting all aspects of my life... yet my family and friends were able to settle for such an implausible explanation. It would seem that doctors were handing out this "anxiety" conclusion like candy to any case they didn't know how to explain. Instead of simply saying "i don't know" this simply inability to admit the truth.. created a whirlwind of confusion and disaster. Before this all stared I had been a devout Buddhist, more so then most people i knew, I had seen a lot of improvement in my life and relationships through "meditation". I was big on mediation and self awareness. So now... it didn't make sense to blame these sever physical problems on "anxiety" in someone who had devoted there life to becoming more aware and more connected... I could feel every emotion in my body, in a way much deeper then i ever had growing up. I had been inventing my own kind of therapy because i felt there was still room for conventional therapy to be more effective.

My family treated me like a child. My therapy project and other creative projects didn't stand a chance. I had dreamed of making the world a better place, for people who had been mislabeled and misunderstood.. but in these last five years It's scary to be so powerless, to feel like i can barely take care of myself. Despite intense physical problems with pain and exhaustion, and against my better judgment i have resumed working part time to appease my family and have a place to live... however this has only generate a small amount of money... majority of the money goes into housing and i only get about 50 for food each week. Every day i feel there is a way in this world to get my life back on track. To have positive energy and momentum in my life.. but i simply don't have enough money. I'm living on nothing. In this hectic environment. I'm constantly rationing and conserving the cheapest food. There is a cafeteria here that provides some meals... but it is a hectic environment.

I want to get out of poverty so i can really give back and give the best of me to a world that really needs a helping hand. I wanted to share my "party therapy" project with a much larger group in my physical life. For now i am an internet 'health guru' of sorts. However it feels sad to not be able to share what i have to offer more consistently and in my physical life. I've learned a lot from this crazy journey. but it's frustrating to have these skills.. yet be so physically and financially powerless. The money problem compounds significantly on the physical problems i have. I struggle with energy already... and not being able to afford good healthy food and drink.. never eating out... always buying cheep noodles... It's a dangerous way to live given how easily i get exhausted. I work beyond my stamina capability, yet still don't make enough to afford the food i need to actually even to the job properly. Because of my energy challenges i eat slightly more then the average person depste being very skinny.. and i am also less mobile.. so it's harder to get to the cafaitare they have here.. which is only open in very small windows of time twice a day, and also very busy and can trigger some trauma memoeis i have. Some how with all the chaos the cafatirea isn't always worth it. and even if i ate all my meals there.. there are huge time gapes between an early 5pm dinner and lunce the next day. Wehver you do.. there is a huge evening time gap with out so much as a snack. It doesn't harm my imadet survival... but it is far from narual.. to conserve food like this all the time.

I began to suspect a connection between the physical problems and the fact that i almost died of lymes disease when i was 5. Since i saw it from this point of view I've found more and more observations that reinforce that conclusion. Other times i felt exhausted and had sharp heart pains. It's sad how the doctors weren't willing to say "I don't know" and they choice to blame these sever physical problems the "anxiety" of a person as insanely calm and spiritual as myself. And i began to suspect that i am not the only person to be dismissed by the medial establishment in the least. It seems like there itrests are driven by money... And ironically money is the problem i have as well. It was frustrating to have to do all this detective work on myself right from the beginning. I got myself out of the dark place all on my own. I have a few supportive friends... but there is little they can to. Most of them don't make much money themselves. My friends. The good ones understand my situation. I had to part ways with a few friends when this began. Not everyone was so accepting. Many people insisted that i had become "unmotivated" and it's funny because the challenges i have now just existing in reality are way more then anything i ever had to deal with growing up when i was supposedly "motivated". My goal is to get out of poverty. To make 20 more dollars each week. Right now I make 20$ less each weak then i need for food. And weather i am having a good day or a bad day.. not having enough food, not eating healthy and well is never productive. I've never been one to spend a lot of money.. yet i haven't had a full time job in five years... My parents bashed me to this restrictive living communities .. Some would give me as little as 2 dollars a day. They provided 3 meals.. but we had very limited freedoms. It was not a natural way to live, and many people there felt constantly provoked by the restrictive conditions. no relationships. no going out on your own. you had to notify someone every single time you left the house.

They took away people's rights to refuse medication and filled you up with all kinds of strange chemicals ... chemicals that drained your physical staimana yet were very expensive and had fancy names on the bottle. Now and then someone would express outrage about it all... I had learned to keep the rage inside over the years of this. Because if you showed your rage... that gave them the justification to send you somewhere even worse. They would literary call the police in times where someone felt provoked enough to speak loudly, yell or through an object. I never encountered a dangerous person in any of these comunites... yet they were calling the police any time someone felt "heated" and tried to speak out against the system. I am a very calm person.. and yet the police were called on my twice over a three year period. I was at that place, the "2 dollar a day" place for 11 months. For 11 months i only had 2 dollars a day. The story is just crazy and i hope one day to be able to tell the entire thing. Something really has not been right these last five years.. and no one has really been able to shine the light on this situation... i feel that is my job when i get out of this money rut. Life isn't just about food... and there are many activities that make me happy in life... yet always conserving food is distracting.. and it makes it harder to build positive momentum in life and really focus on the things i want to do. At these places.. they would fill your entire day with "therapy groups" .. that could be very wrote.. very by the book.. not "natural conversions" for matjroy of them... I would try to liven up the conversation. If someone felt passionate about a topic.. i would ask them a question about it.. they would allow it. they were only human. but eventually the moderator would have to ask the next question on their list.. and it would kind of kill the vibe, people would go quite and close off. I was stuck in these groups that took up the entire day like a job yet i didn' t get payed for all that time. and if you didn't attend some of the groups they would become extremely confrontational and threten to send you to a "locked mental fasiclity" and they had done this before. I knew they weren't lying.

I'm in a better situation now.. getting out was a long negotiation .. and i had to keep negotiationg for freedom even after myself and another person physically ran away. Even running away and getting our own place wasn't the end of the story. I had too many disabilities to continue affording my own place even with the help of my friend. I had to rely on mom... and she sent me right back into the mental world. My current living situation is fairly normal.. however it is very temporary.. there is no real plan for my future.. it all depends on "me" they say.. which is a way to get out of helping. Back then i was suffering so much.. it was like people could tell.. i had to run away from the house on a regular basis cuz it was so hectic. Day after day i would just stand outside the grocery story.. Little girls lafughted at me "your homeless!" they said. I looked like it. a guy saw me pacing.. saw my stress and pain and offered me a few dollars. "here.. take it." this actually happened three times. the first tow times i refused the money..  it didn't make sense to take money from strangers.. yet i had to accept that I was turally poor now. So many times i asked my family for more food money. So many times they refused. They would cloak the refusal to help in helpful statements like "don't they have someone there to teach you more about "budgeting?"" It was crazy.. the dissociation from the seriousness of my situation. I was byding the cheapest possible food. In a short time i had become an expert at being poor. Though there is always more to learn.. it was hard to imagine some rich person at one of these places telling me how to spend less when they made way more then i did. I had nothing and still.. it continues. They wanted to sit me down to give me relationship advice.. social additive.. it was so off topic.. so offensive that my base needs weren't being met. But because technically my physical challenges didn't exist.. no laws were being broken.. the conditions were "perfectly fine" for an ordinary able bodied person.. and that what i was.. in there eyes. I shpoed even speaking about my problems.. less the call me insane. To them "psychosis" was a proper and legitimate diagnosis to hand out to perfectly ordinary people all the time.. "psychosis" was an 'intelligent' opinion of experts for any given station they did not fully understand. Often times when they do this for women they might call it "histariar". They can also use the term "sktisoprhia" as a word that simply means they think you are crazy. I've read up on all of these terms and it's just creepy that this passes for 'science'. And how siply flat out insulting it is. It was scary to see other smart good natured young people like me having to say "I'm not psycotic!" "I need to speak to the doctor." "This doesn't make sense." and the doctor is just casually strolling around with this big goofy smiply being like "oh yes.. we can secual a time to talk for fifteen minies two days from now." and then the day  arries where you think you have a moment to clear up some of the missconceptions and the doctor just continues to explain how you are actually crazy but don't know it yet. And it's scary that if you aren't educatted you will simply belive anything a doctor says because they are saying it. I remember getting really angry after four months when this facility wouldn't even let me use my own lap top for more then one hour.. and had to keep 'requesting' to use my own peronal itmes.. becuase things like 'siccors' were considered dangerous. and then they infomred me i would have to stay in this creepy restivier place for an entire year.

I was worred about how good i was at remaning calm all the time in the most intense cirumstances... and i didn't want everyone to think that this siation was "ok" by any means. For once i showed a bit of rage.. it was caulatate.. just a little.. and even in anger i can be very arcituate. The idea is to stand up for yorsuelf.. and let people know how you feel. It's a kidn of 'resonation.' It's not about being vilient or extreemly loud or trying to scare people. Yet it's scarry how people get scared by emotions. i actually feel atracted to people who can get 'heated' about a subject now and then. In this sitaiton.. they are always on the look out to see if people are "dangeroius". i thought people whould feel bad if they really undresood how upset this siaiton was making me. I couldn't have been more wrong. i was like "this is making me really angry! this isn't right. I don't have any of these symptoms and i should be allowed to return home!" It was going on so long and i had just be quite.. the least they could do was give back my computer.. i just had to sit there in this buidlign doing nothing all day for months.. I adented a few groups.. but all the passion was gone from my life. So I get upset and this woman who had been a good freind is like "oh Zack.. did you froget to talk your pills today." it was really creepy. When you think about the devistating exhaution teh pills caused. At one potion i washed this large overmeidated fellow just colapse on teh floor in a pile of drule.. eveyone just sat around him not sure waht to do.. being 'helpful'. weating till he woke up so he woudn't miss his next medication dose. People droling and falling asleep during therapy groups. You have this drug comapay that will say and do anything to sell more medicaiton pills.. and yet now they are "my meds" they belong to "me" somehow. and that is scarry. Beacause none of it was ever really about me. I had this entire team that was "treating" me. how dare they use words like "treatment" and "health" this bage of honor and kindess while diong everything to make the sitaiotn worse and more complicated. It's scary.. this "irony" you feel in your body every day.. being confined againt your will by people who isist they are "helping". Irnoy is supsed to be like a joke on tv.. and it's scarry when you know what it feels like to expreice it.. to embody that feeling every day.

Currently i have a wellness website and one or two other projects but my ability to connect with people has been really limited by the food situation. The place i am living is cold and hectic and not that well suited to my needs. I've tried applying for food stamps and disability money but it is a complicated process, I'm sad to say I don't find it to be very supportive or compassionate.. It's sort of like filling out a multiple choice test either online or over the phone... It's not like having a "conversation" with someone who wants to help you or understand your situation. It's scary how robotic society can be around important matters of your basic health and needs. It would really make a difference in my life if anyone here is able to donate a few dollars to my cause. Another one of my friends also suspected my issues were connected to limes disease... in truth it seems almost obvious now... however getting an actual diagnoses of "chronic fatigue" or "heart pain" is very complicated. "heart pain" isn't even considered a real thing. The actual lymes disease has long since left my body of course... yet the process of 'almost dying' can inflict a lot of damage on the body. The cells. Cells regenerate. But the body, it's stamina, it's lifespan, it isn't 'forever' and 'unlimited'. Getting that close to death is not healthy. My life has been so chaotic the last few years.. and yet when i try to explain the situation to people around me they've often been quick to blame my "mind". It's scary to feel it, yet be powerless to get help.. to have your family treat you like you are insane... to have people in your life see you every day... yet never take the problem seriously. To have it go on like this for years. When your family treats you like you are crazy... then it makes it "ok" for other people treat you the same way. Like some variation on the boy who cried wolf, where the boy never cries wolf yet he is just generally untrusted. People don't take you seriously. It's scary because there is anxiety in my family.. and I've learned to be a calm person in response to stressful and anxious situations and relationships, to break from those old family patters... it feels ironic that my family would be the one to blame "my" anxiety.  Even when i was younger i knew i needed to be more  of a calm chill "feeling" person to shift out of the family patters of being anxious or methodical about everything, and I've only improved since then.

It's scary to be your own doctor.. to have to continue to manage these intense sysmtoms. yet have the rosponcibie people of soicety totatly ignore your issies... treat you like you are insain. the amont of responbity and dedication it takes.. to rise up and be the adult, the expert, you needed and couldn't find.

The people who were supposed to be the "adults" of my life have treated me like i was learning disabled... like i was "ill in the brain" rather then trying to actually pay attention and find the most simple explanation for changes i had in life. The medical world that was supposed to help me in my time of need seemed to be little then a business that profited off what kinds of illness and treatments were most popular, most profitable... and they seemed willing even to force unconvincing explanations on top of me without even actually taking time to listen to the full story of what had been going on in my body. 

My real obstacle in the last few years has consistently been exhaustion, that turns into pain if it is pushed too far. I've also learned that not having strong trust in family relationships can effect how other people in society see you. It's a crazy story, and i want to share it all. and also share the new form of therapy i have been working on... It's hard not being able to work. If you would like there is plenty of free information on my website about my methods for personal healing. You can also support me by buying a copy of my book.. rather i would like to say that... but some issue on the amazon website.. the transactions never arrive on my card. The key information is also in the website. If you really want to support me so i can be healthy and create more content... please consider donating right here on gofundme.

My problems in life never came from a lake of "knowledge" or "awkress". You can see on my site, I've taken the best of the best in health information.. i've always had access to infraimton.. books on therapy.. spirual gurus.. everything really.. and i've even invented mnay of my own stratages that i find to be more effective then conventianl health practices. Most of the time it is just building on things that already work. It's scarry over the years how many people less experienced then me have come after me... tried to "educate me" about basic health practices as though i had never heard of it. They will explain how emotions work. They will ask if i know about "exercise," like it gets really basic. People treat you in this dumb dumb way.. and often it was my mom paying them to do that. It's like being traped in kind garden for your entire life. And I'm basically a heath guru.. thogh i don't even like to put it that way.. that's more like a dream or a vision of mine... yet it is scary when people treat you like you are ignroate.. while doing nothing to actually help you. I've gone to the powers around me for help.. and often they simply say "work more" as the answer for everything. It is difficult with my level of exhaustion to even work 2 hours a day.. and i work 3 hours a day and still don't have enough to eat fully and probably. I am 20$ short of my food minimum. And soon i will need to start saving for a place to live. I am struggling in the current moment.. and there is also no plan for my fution. the community i am staying at is like many others.. they are trying to "instill" there concepts of productivity into me.. without really helping the issuions i have.. it's always all about what "I" can do.. when my life has been so unsupported. I don't want to feel like more of a zombie... working even more.. burning out. It is sad how little society has cared about these challenges... everyone just expects that it is "someone else's" job to care. That the "doctors" will take care of it. And they never do. It's like being stuck in a loop. People around you assume the doctors will take care of you. and when they don't.. There is no where left to do. The doctors have there list of "documented illnesses" and if your porblmes aren't on their list... if they don't already "know" the answer.. they just don't care, they don't investigate, they don't hypothesis. It's a business. there's not time to sit down and listen. to think it over. to find the best explaon. It's scary how many doctors were over zelious to hand out and sell expensive anxiety pills that were full of "side effects" that would multiply my exhaustion significantly. They often pressure you into taking pills and get your family involved... to the point that not only where they not helping the sution but doctors actually became a hostile force in my life. My dad holding these pills in my face and not backing down, not leaving me alone until I took them. trying to sleep, your body full of these unnatural chemicals. As a child I had been misdangesed with autism.. and they even when as far as to blame it on autism.. doctors showing up at my house.. pressuring me to take autism pills. there were so many levels of effed-up to the whole station. It's terrifying to be in that kind of physical pain and have people act like it is a "mental issue". This lack of a basic ability to asses the situation. Since then i've worked to create stronger relationships in my life. Because when things got bad... my family distrusted ever single thing i said... it was a weak time and i needed every once of their trust... they went stragitht to the mental health doctors.. and it was just insanity after that.

I used to imagine that one day i would give a Ted talk, speak publicly about subets, like the epic of over-diagnosis of mental illness and out it effects how we feels about ourselves and other people. It's crazy how powerless I became.. dispite having so many important things to share. Things the world needed to hear. It was even harder to accept my sitation when i knew i wasn't the only one suffering. I had come out of a childhood misdiagnosis that had impacted all my relationships... and i had so much to sahre and offer.. and yet now so many others would be left... thinking they were "ill" that they were simply "wrong in the brain" when this concept had never been based on since.. it was a business. and there was a growing amount of poof that mentilness is not scintific. there are even Ted talks about it. But corporations are powerful. It's scary when the world wants to make you smarter and more productive .. yet doesn't seem concerned about your more basic needs. I've seen other people who are supposedly "autistic" yet i can see how like me they are stuck in a state of prepeutal panic and mental solutions that disembody them from their feelings and heart center. the flow of energy between people. People are labeled as "autistic" or a variety of other illness such as "add" or "bipolar", that often consist of ordinary behaviors, often learned through family relationships... given labels because they are not attentive enough at school..., school which prioritizes intelligence, over emotions and social relationships, once again "brain" over "heart". Autistic people learn to be very intenget to supposedly do what society wants.. yet they are noting more then a symptom of society itself. And unlike me many people will never have the opportunity to "come down" out of the panic, out of the elevated state. out of the trauma of it all. of feeling disconnected. Because there lives are simply too busy... and frequent business is valued in society. I find that so many cases of what we call "autism" are 'learned behavior' from the values of society around us. What we externalize or scapegoat as "child illness" it is inherent in the larger system. Yet doctors are quick to drug up children.. and it is very profitable. But even as a good peson... it is hard to fight the system... for many it is easyers to simply nod an go along wiht it. I know many good people who could do nothing to stop it. I see others struggling soically like once did and if i had a more stable home and fisnacal life... I would be able to help them from a place of strength.. and enjoy doing it...

One time i had a piece of chicken stuck in my throat for 3 days. I coudn't eat. I coudn't even drik porperly wihtout the pice of chicken bashing against my throat. it wasn't even a boen. just a big ol pice of chicken, because some guy at lunch was talking way too fast. I had to use redubt to dissive it away and i was chockign up chicks of chicenk 2 and 3 days later until it was finally out. but the dotors told me "nothing is there" "your throught is clear" "it's just a lump from bursing after the food went down" I could acutally feel the chicken moving around, a hard object buming up against my thoruhgt... blocking everything. and then once i coucghed it up everything was find again. brusing doesn't work like that. they sold me this toatly unconvisning explaionation like it was 100% fact. It seems like their scanning device can't detect difrences between 'chicken' meat and human meat. It can detect things like bones a i guess. but htere was cleraly a peace of chicken in there... and i had to imporivce my own mehtods to get it out... becuase it turns out your esopogus dosn't proeucde digestive flude. this is just one exmple of a time when docotrs "act like they know". it makes them look bad to say "i'm not sure". so they go as far as to create a fake explaion. turns out they say this to lots of people. lots of people were telling me it was brusing before i even got to the doctor, because the doctor told them that once too, but it was so bad i had to go to the emergety room. I don't like to just assume things because i am 'told'.. there has to be evndnee... the conclusion has to feel resoanble. Certin foods are hard to locate so they just make stuff up and say "it is brusing" we know that. this situation didn't last very long. but it was scarry. i coudn't eat food for 3 days. on top of all my other probelms. It only happned because of stress when my fmaily was pushing me off into a new working enviorment when i needed more time to stablize my life after the total chaso of my last living sitation.

Since that time five years ago when the physical issues started... more and more I've been noticing, on the look out for other people like me. And ive found them. I"ve heard stories. People who struggles with heart issues... yet everyone called them insane.. the doctors found nothing. the person is collapsing on the floor all the time... unable to keep up with work and life. Until finally a year or so goes by and the doctors actually found the person was right all along. go figure. It's crazy the way people keep insisting "everything is fine" "everything is fine" "it's all in your mind" no matter how much extreme physical agony a person may constantly be in. no matter how bad it gets. "everything is fine." "it's in your mind" right up untill the end. I had read other stores like mine. People just waiting and waiting until it got so bad they had to have a heart transplant. Why wait months and months for a transplant? Why make a person go through six months of pure agony before decitind it was "ok" to give the green light on the operation. why wait until moments before death. it was terrifying. So i had to find other ways. to heal myself. i couldn't spend months and months mroe in agony like some of hte stories i had read about online. there were others, but often your stoy isn't heard until things became turaly fatal.

My friend said his dad has had heart pains for years... yet the doctors always send him home. "it's anxiety". that explanation really

Even a person living in this very apartment. I can hear him on the phone every night. "mom.. these issues are serious... i have pains in my body. i have chest pain. I think we should figure out whats wrong? i think something is wrong?" And i can hear his mom kind of on the other end saying something like "that's just in your mind... it's not real, teh dotors say it's not real." and he is like "mom! this is really scary! then why does my body hurt so much!" It's scarry how misrable this person sounds. I have so may strategies I've found to lessen the pain. and i should reach out to help this person but they moved out a few weeks ago agauclly. but my own sition has been difictut. yet still i found lots of way to lessn the pain that other people in my sition may have not had the time to discover. I have all kinds of healhty stragices that invove relaxtion, group energy, creativity, a blance and rythem of relaxing and or fun acieitivies that heal my energy, heal the pain to this extent. It was signcialy on my own that i found these stragieis.. when people around me always and still to this day presit to endoucge things like "longer workouts" "more work" things that raplidly lead to exahuation and burn out, that worsen the condion of a person like me. it took a long time for me to learn how to do things in a way that doesn't lead to burn out... and it's scarry how to this day.. how often people around me encourage these burn out ativites. I am surounded by acitivty. "more socale time" "more this" "more that" I get a lot of energy out of people. but i don't like solizing just to fill the voide. many great thinkers in history have enjoyed their alone time. and being connected to others means connecting to yourself. my connections feel more more nature and genine then they were with the person i used to be. When i just said and did what i thought other people wanted me to say and to in hopes of "earning their good favor".

I've seen a lot of improvements. but life has been a challenge. I remember a few years ago i went to a joint therapy session with my mom.. and her therapist in response to me said "it's impossible for you to have a heart problem that the doctors could not detect... and if you did it would be impossible for you to cure it on your own."

I didn't really have a response... but I was  thinking "all you're doing is showing me how confident you can be about things you have never expreiced and no nothing about." She was wrong on both accounts. and i was living prof of that. Its was scary how intense things were... and yet because its wasn't happening to them... people could be so layed back about it... it wasn't effecting their bodies. It was really scarry how "glazed over" and "nonchalant" the people who should have been the adults in my life acted around these serious subjects. Just this blind faith that "someone else" had the answer. the "doctor" has the answer.... "because" they have a "PHD". so they must know. If 1000 doctors are wrong about something.. somehow that is proff that they are acutally right? the bigest and most consitent argument people had against me seemd to revovle around the "quantity" of doctors who were of this opinion that i was toatly healhty.. and didn't seem to factor in obvious detals of the sever porblems i was having that anone who was really emotianlly connected to me would notice right away. I was telling this girl about my chest pain. and the next day she was sitting across teh room and she was like "you had a chest pain just now?" and i was like "yes... thanks for noticing" I don't always like to draw attention to the negitive... but it was such a normal observation.. yet scary how few people seemed to be tuned into these basic psycal things. Instead putting their fact this the abstract concept that whatever doctors say is true because of their "PHD" and is allowed to contradict physical observations of what is directly around us. It all just feels very abstract or discconnected somehwo.. they way that doctors sit in a room and "tell" us we are healthy, tell us what is physically happening in our bodies, and what is actually happening in our bodies doesn't actually matter. If you have extreem pain.. extreem exauation.. can't work.. can't do anything. dosn't matter. Not  unless it shows up on their ECG.. which only seems to detet problems so sever that the person is moments away from death. Over and over again if you ask for help... they go for your blood they do a series of basic tests, usually a blood draw, check blood pressure.. then they tell you everything is fine. they check for virusus in your blood. i don't even have a virius. yet they will insist on checking for it anyway.. they chck for urelated things, whaver is part of there system, their porcess. It seems like they only nitce the most obvious or tangable probelms... like probelms where an illness like a virius from outside the body has invated the body.. yet if you simply some kind of cellular issue that is not related to an extrnal virus or disease that is attacking you... if your body is just 'out of juice' in an extreem way.. this probelm dosn't acutally exist in their eyes... despite how common it relaly is.

the probelm is you see these symptoms all the time.. in people much older then me... people 70 and older.. the sysmptosm of death. that's what is so scary about. it was all consisten with sysmptoms of dying. Even my bladder stoped working five yeras ago the moment the other porbelms started. and elterdly people are known to have bladder issues. it was like the whole thing acutally depedend on some kind of body 'pressure' system i hand never really noticed.. it was very inconvinet... i leirrly found myself unable to unriate... rather it was not easy at all. I was totatly calm all the while.. but of coruse.. predicablly they blamed this on anxiety as well. And despte how confiden i had become in recent years... they even went as far as to call it a symptom of soical anxeity. Which not only didn't help.. but it had the added benift of discreding... disrecpeding all teh work i had done over the years to build awrenss around improving relationships between people, relatinship skills. They tried to say all this was happning because i had no relationship skills. these probelms were so sever and continue to be, and time after time they chose explaions that were simply rediculs. People were were certified expredts. Doctors waving around PHD's. They laufed in my face.

THey had money. they could affrod to be ifnorate. it didn't matter. and it was faster and more profitiable even to misdianose me.. then to take the time to think ousdie the box and invesitage deeper into what was actaully worng. You don't expect to see these sysmtps in a young person.. so they dismised the idea of "heart faulr" right away wihotut so much as a thought... when that might be far more acceptat a conlcusion if i had been sicety or sevent or older.. It's true you see these sysmtps less often in people my age.. but it's not actally that unsual at all. there was a time not long ago that people didn't even live past 30. they say it's "thanks to modern medicen." that we live longer. My therpist grinned as he said this to me. Not only did they not help... but i was beaslly being forest into thepy sessions with a man who came right out and said he wanted to recomend "anti-psygotics". I had calmly eplaned the whle story to him and treated him like a friend. and also did my best to show that i was in pain... because it seemed like many people had a hard time noticing this for some reason. I treid him with respect even though he didn't seem taht focused on helping. and after about twenty minutes of talking he told my family he wanted recomend "anti-psycotois" this was so blantly insulting. Years later i realze just how common this is.. it is noraml to handle this sition this way. and that is trualy scary. My raction... to be insulted... was a fully ratinal responce. Yet people in my siutaiont all over the country have leraned to just "accept" that they are "crazy" and be forced to take drugs. Or even be frodcably removed from tehri homes. This therpist made it sound like tnaks to modern medicin ever peson lives a full long life with no execpetions. yet he left out a huge detail.. another thing that has changed in the last hundred or so years... is masproduing.. techolgy.. modern concinve. life is just so much mroe .. convinate.. and all that convinese ment that a person with sever probelms like mine could go on living. and teh constat pressure from my family to work a full tiem job again was crushing me. Mass producing, mass disrubation of food, modern luruzies had allowed me to go on living. And yet.. no one saw this as a good things. I was just "being irrisponcible" in thier eyes. It didn't matter waht i was doing.. but i had to be "doing" something. Even if it just ment atending theropy all day. I was forced to treck into the city every day and atend groups where i was taught the most concdening things imaginable... like what "emotions" are.. and what "expressions" look like on the human face. I learned about "happy" and i lenared about "sad". and it went on and on like this. Me sitting in these theropy groups.. treated like a child.. and sitting with the horror of not konwing if the pain would get better or worse.

I din't like the idea of being in agony for months and month so I found ways to take better care of myself. I had previously been a very intense person.. self-improving, being productive.,.. pushing the limits.. i realized all of htat stuff was burning too much energy... i started being kinder to myself and the pain decreased a lot. I didn't have conversations about this type of thing wiht the people around me, and my family. those conversions considented mostly of peopel telling me "this probelms are not real." "how can be motivate you to get back to work." "you're not taking care of yourself." It was wild. I was the only person actually keeping this boat a float, aucally taking care of myself.. keeping myself alive. Camly and preseistly demanding the time and space i needed to heal to the extent that i could. Listening ot musinc. Going on walks. My family was still trying to evaluate my 'social successes' or whatever. Trying to make me a better more productive individual. It was scarry how productive i could be when i was finally allowed time and space to rlak. I began driving to the mall... i worte enire books... More then once i've written an entire book in 3 days. All this becaue for once in my life i was learning how to really relax and feel the energy of people... enjoy the energy of people. but my families way of intreating was too "braying" to verbal focased. when i went out to the mall. too hte park... to a cafe.. i could relax.. and write ... without this pressure ot keep up.. to be a certain way. The pain had acutally guided me to something that had still been mising in my life.. this much deper level of realzing and feeling hte enrgy that gathers around groups of people. I realized this was often how the best moemnts of my life came into being.. relaxing around a group of people i wanted to be around. My mom seemed to attract a lot of people who were very verbal and fast speaking.. and it was a hard time.. back when the pain was so frequent. i felt afraid to enter the kitchen. i began using the back to. I needed to 'feel' peace. Back then i didn't have as many stragiges to imporve my energy. I was afraid of going back to the dark place. That fealing of death. It was scarry how "non-seorius" it all semed in there eyes. Rather they felt i had develd a serious "mental-issues" yet the obvious probelms i had with pain and exnsion were laughable to them. And it felt mental.. it provoked me that they were so relentless about "knowing" what was in my body.. when they were the only ones relaly in a posiion to help me. A few of my own freinds... i rembmer one right away said "your wrong!" even before i had time to expalin things like how the chest pain started.. where it might have come from... how long it had been going on. I'm like "i think something might be wrong with my heart". them "your wrong!" BAM. People didn't seem to have time to listen. And i thought i had strong freundships... yet i realized i always gahtered around this type of person... the people i had atracted into my life weren't really that focsed on what was going on for me... to the extend that they would distrust something the moment it came out of my life. They wre the leaders and the knowers.. I had been very shy giong up... i was often attracted to people who felt like "leaders" but now that i was having this intense problem.. it was like they were the leaders and they "knew" my problem better then i ever could. After that it became like this mission to hang out more with people who seemed like really chill, like perceptive and emotion based. rather then people who were fast thinkers and had all the answers. I stared choosing my friends rather then grabbing onto the people who chose me... afraid that the people i liked wodn't like me back.

That therapist had been so sure that i couldn't' have a heart problem... and that i couldn't heal myself. yet i had done both those things. i was living prof. i had done two impossible things. It was scarry how "sure" everyone had been back then. So over time... i just learned not to talk about it. that didn't make it go away. This way of living just became normal. It was like the secret life of Zack.


  • Anonymous 
    • $52 
    • 4 mos
  • Anonymous 
    • $100 
    • 5 mos


Zack Zwiebel 
Rhinebeck, NY
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