Help Justine deal with Cancer

Many of the people who read this will know all about me. For those that don't, my name is Justine Gotham (Jussie/Jaz), and I never thought my lovely Dad at 82 years old would have more hair than me, but life is full of surprises.

My Dad and I are both dealing with cancer. I say “dealing” deliberately, as I don’t feel like fighting anything much at all. But we are both dealing with it. My Dad is finally home after surgery to remove cancer in his liver and digestive system. He is doing well, although feeling weak, he’s a strong man with a strong heart and a resilient personality.

I’m his primary carer and undergoing chemotherapy and immunotherapy myself for a cancer which has metastasized to my liver. The cancer I have is a rare cervical SCC. What makes it rare is that it was not in the cervix but behind it in a cyst type tumour which was undetected in blood tests or regular Pap tests. It was misdiagnosed as a bowel abscess which delayed appropriate treatment. Sadly now it has metastasised in the liver where it is now present in all four lobes and growing. It’s a long story, a journey that has taken some years of bad vibes and crises before I received a clear diagnosis. Now, at least I know what I’m dealing with. The treatment appears to be working, which is encouraging, though I struggle with the uncertainty and the dread. I know my Dad is struggling too, not only with his problems but with mine also. We cry and laugh at being a burden on the each other.

Since becoming his primary carer and becoming a cancer sufferer myself, I have been forced to pare down my life. I have given up work and while i am still renting my little rural space in country NSW to live with my Dad in his Sydney apartment, I may have to let it go as the impact of being on a humble pension now takes hold. I have sold my Triumph motorcycle to help fund treatment. I miss the country so much, but if my two Kelpies can adapt and if my Dad can adapt to them, then I can adapt too, though it is hard. I struggle with exhaustion, a sense of being penned in, and the anxiety that comes with waking up every morning and remembering I have cancer.

Many people have helped me and are supporting me, family and friends, and I am deeply grateful for the spontaneous generosity they have given. However, for many it is difficult to know how to support me, to know what I need and what would make life easier. Which is why my cousins had the idea that I start this Go Fund campaign. Yes, it is about raising money to help with my care, but it is also about providing an opportunity to connect better and honestly, to see the elephant in the room. The biggest help isn’t donating money, the biggest help is being there, accepting me and my situation, having a giggle, keeping in regular contact, talking to me about your lives, doing an errand or taking my Kelpie girls for a walk. These are acts greater than any treasure, yet they are also sometimes very difficult to do. For all the good intentions it can be difficult to be there - distance, obligations and time all get in the way.

There are so many ways in which a little financial help would go a long way. I have found acupuncture to be profoundly helpful. As well as helping with the physical pain (neuropathy from chemo) it facilitates emotional release. I sob and feel a release of grief & spiritual growth in every session. I’d like to go every week but at $130 a session I can only afford once a month. Sometimes the pain and anxiety won’t let me sit still, yet reflexology is effective in helping me deal with these symptoms and gives me an hour of comfort. Again, it costs $100 a session and is generally unaffordable on the humble carers’ pension. I have found an effective psychologist and am already halfway through my 10 government subsidised sessions a year (which pays half of the $200/hr fee). In the months ahead I feel I will need to lean heavily on this professional help and will likely need to see them twice a month. Without being in my rental in the country I feel cut off from nature. Without the motorbike it's hard to clear my head. Meditation is the 'go to' when I can make time as is walking the dogs in Centennial Park when I can find the energy to get there. To be able to just get away and stay a couple of nights out of town with the girls free to run and me able to hold my soul in the quiet and the space just seems self-indulgent given my limited finances and limited ability to leave Dad.

If anyone of you could help in any way with these costs I would be enormously grateful. My target of $10,000 is an amount that would make a huge and tangible difference to me over a six-month period.

It is a difficult time for sure and I can feel overwhelmed. Yet, it is also a time of enormous personal growth and certainly a time of "waking up". It seems like for the first time in my life I have clarity around who I am and where I am in the world. Despite all the hardship there are many wonderful moments that in another life I would have missed. Many of these moments come from the souls I’ve met, and from simply living in the moment. One person who I find to be a shining example of a life well lived says this…

“In the end, that's what we all need more than anything else: to be there for each other, in every kind of situation” - Pema Chodron.

Thank you!