Help with Housing Fees

Hi, whether you decide to donate or not I just want to say thank you for checking this out. I'm so tired and I'm at the point where I don't know what else I can do. I like to be the person to figure everything out alone but this isn't something I can handle alone anymore.

My Summary:

I am in the final three months of my MSc program at the University of Reading. I have completed all my coursework and classes and now I am just working on my dissertation. Please help me keep my housing so that I can finish my program.

There are transfer fees taken from every donation so if you want to send money directly to me here are a few ways you can do so: PayPal@KendraClarke21, CashApp$KendraClarke2, Venmo@ClarkeKenny

My Story:

When covid hit I lost my job. I'd seen my parents lose their jobs before and it terrified me. The type of paralytic fear that lead me to viciously chase financial security and independence. I wanted to stand on my own two feet so bad, so bad I used my grocery money for rent and refused to tell anyone. It took months for my covid relief money to come in and in that time I couldn't keep myself in any sort of peak physical condition. So the fall of my senior season at Georgia State, which I once thought was going to be the best year of my college experience, was probably a year-long low for me. I hated myself, I felt so worthless. I felt like I let everyone down. Everyone at home, everyone I met since leaving, everyone who ever believed in me, whoever pushed me, when I couldn't perform on the pitch and it broke me. I wanted to die, I would beg the universe to let something unfortunate happen to me. So that I could be free and no one would have to live with the guilt of my suicide.

Before the accident, I use to hear this voice when I was driving "don't put your seatbelt on" "don't use your turn signal" "blow through the stop sign" "how fast can you go" "If you cut the wheel right now you could flip the car. Everyone will think it was an accident. Too fast on a turn, it happens." There was one time it was so bad I drove home in a deafening silence with tears in my eyes and streaming down my face just hoping that I would be strong enough to make it home. I'd never been so scared; I'd never had that many at once.

During the summer of 2021, I almost got my wish. I got in a car accident and totaled my car hydroplaning on a highway ramp. The whole time I was skidding I was screaming. Trying so hard to gain control of the car. As I was swerving from left to right there were no guardrails, I could have just gone off the road. At some point, I realized there was no hope of regaining control of my vehicle and I was going to crash. All I could do was continue to swerve until a guardrail came into view. I let myself crash, the airbag deployed and the car ricocheted off the guardrail and spun onto the ramp. When my vision settled I realized the driver's side was perpendicular to oncoming traffic on the ramp. I got out as fast as I could and ran to the shoulder. I was so scared but at the same time, it was the most alive I'd felt all year, the most I'd wanted to live.

I didn't hate being alive, I just hated the way I was living. A big changes were on the horizon, I was graduating and moving to Pennsylvania to become a teacher/TA/coach/dorm parent. It was the new start I was looking for. However, after only a few months it was clear to me that my heart just wasn't in it. It was an environment soaked in privilege that made my inner child so sad, the privilege to explore, to experience, to learn, laugh, eat, how could I ever serve this community? I didn't feel qualified, it takes away a part of you that I didn't realize, to give what was never given to you. It didn't make me happy it made me jealous and depressed. Many nights I cried in my bed wishing I could've taken part in the experiences I was providing. Knowing that it wasn't anyone's fault I couldn't be mad, just sad. I knew I couldn't stay, no matter how much I enjoyed seeing my students grow.

I had to change again, armed with my color-coated Excel spreadsheet I researched grad programs. I went through more drafts of my personal statement than I've ever done for any assignment. I was so busy working at the school and coaching club soccer that I was only able to apply to two schools, I painstakingly waited for the results. Both schools were overseas one-year programs, cheaper than a multi-year master's degree program in the States. One day I checked my personal email as my students and I were sitting in our classroom waiting for the bell to ring signaling the beginning of class. I stared in disbelief at the decision email that had come through. I had to open it. I wouldn't be able to focus on teaching otherwise. I shot out of my seat catching the attention of all my students, I don't think they had ever seen me move that fast. Curiosity evident in their eyes and a mix of disbelief, shock, and excitement in mine I said, "I just got into my number one grad program," and proceeded to run out of the room with my phone in hand.

I would get denied from my second choice after making it to the final round of applicants a few weeks later but I didn't even care. I'd been saving money all year, working down my credit that I'd exhausted the year prior. But the reality of the situation was that it didn't matter how frugal I was, teachers don't make that much and teaching interns make even less. I made enough to get me here and when I got here, I wasted no time getting a job. I sacrificed every opportunity to come home because term time breaks were the only time, I could work full time hours due to visa restrictions. Due to the fluctuating but steadily declining relationship between the USD and the GBP over the last year every instalment of my US loan has been worth less than the last. This factor has also impacted the out of pocket payments I’ve been able to make thus far. I’ve done a lot of work and financial acrobatics to be able to come this far, but I can’t go all the way on my own. I need help.

If you read all of this thank you for your time. This story glosses over many struggles that I have faced over the past few years. Many of which may be a shock to even those close to me. It’s certainly not the whole story but these are some of the pinnacle events/thoughts that have occupied my headspace. I felt that they were necessary to share so that you could understand who I am and how hard it is for me to ask. Over the years I have tried to be really open with my mental health venture, but I’ve always hidden how deeply I struggled with it. I utilized resources like therapy, medication, conversations with friends, support groups, etc. That’s why I’m still here today, able to continue to chase my own happiness. My struggles made me and led me to where I am today. For that, I wouldn’t change a thing.