Medical Costs, Saving our home, Food

It hurts to write this. It hurts because I am in actual physical pain and it hurts emotionally to have to admit that my life has gotten to the place that it has gotten.

My dear friend Magoo who is battling cancer just did one of these and he encouraged me to do one too. I didn't feel that since I wasn't battling something like cancer that I should use this. That was a couple of weeks ago and while I am not battling cancer, my physical and medical situation has worsened substantially and I am in a different kind of battle for my life.

I have always tried to uphold an 'image' of being the strong one, never vulnerable to anything but that illusion must now fall as I reach out as just another human being who has found myself in situations beyond my control.

Right now I am in serious pain typing this....this is due to a recently diagnosed rotator cuff tear in my right shoulder. This doesn't seem like such a big deal does it? Well it is because it is only the latest in a series of cascading failures in my body.

I was born without a hip socket, this had me in a cast from my waist down and then on crutches until I was 5 years old. I was fortunate that the treatment at that time helped me enough that I was able to go through school and live into my mid 30's with a relatively normal existence. By 33 however, I desperately needed hip replacement surgery. Due to the insurance companies not covering 'pre-existing' conditions I had to fight for several years before I got the surgery from a teaching university here in Oklahoma. This was the reason I had to move out of New York City and back to my hometown. Before I could have the hip replacement, a disc in my back ruptured and I had to have spinal surgery. This was caused by the many years that my spine was out of alignment due to the hip thing led to another.

Since that time I have had chronic back pain and have had to walk with a cane for support. Now that the arm that supported me has a rotator cuff tear, I can't even walk with the cane anymore. I don't have and cannot afford a wheelchair.

Even with the 'affordable care act', the cost of the insurance I can now get is over $400.00 per month. I am lucky if I make $800.00 per month, so once again - I have no insurance.

I need to start going to physical therapy sessions but I do not have the money for them. If I don't get physical therapy now I could have what is called a 'frozen arm' which means I would lose complete use of the right arm.

I feel like I am dying one piece at a time. The pain is so intense.

What is even more distressing is that being physically out of it like this, I don't have many options IF ANY for income.  So, I am very low on options and time is running out...... I don't know where else to turn.  I have tried for SSI disability several times but because I have a tiny bit of income from my website I am disqualified. With this current medical crisis as well, I can't spend years fighting to MAYBE get benefits from the government before I can get treatment.

The depression is starting to overwhelm us.

To top things off, we were suckered into a horrible mortgage. We have been paying on our home since 1996. We have never missed a payment and yet at the end of the year, due to some very small writing in our mortgage we have a balloon note due on the house that is a payment for the FULL AMOUNT THAT WE BORROWED IN THE FIRST PLACE! So to top everything off we may be facing losing our home. All of this has happened at the worst time possible.

I had to put an amount in to start this thing and didn't know what to put so I just took a number, a number though that will get me into some medical treatment, give us some help in saving our home and in the short term...get the phone turned back on and food in our cabinets. It really is a matter of, "we ate yesterday so we don't need to eat today." I can't imagine, in my wildest dreams that I might raise that amount...but they needed a number so I gave them one......but please know, even the smallest of support is huge to me.

I try to understand karmically what I could have done to have brought this all on myself like this. I don't know the answer.

So, here I am, broken, in pain, embarrassed and ashamed asking for your help.

I must stop now because the pain is too intense to continue. I will post updates for those interested.

I guess I just need a miracle here, I am hanging by a thread.

My pride will go out the window when I hit the post button on this. I sat here for hours contemplating if I should do this. But I am what I am and I am telling you the truth.

It is with love that I humbly ask that you take my hand.


PS Please excuse any typos...due to the arm/pain problem...thank you.

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Theresa Durbin 
Tulsa, OK
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