This is me...giving up. This is me..."begging." How humbling is that!?
Hi, I'm Mrs. Lenora Thompson . If you've ever been on PsychCentral, you've probably read my articles about narcissism and cults on my blog Narcissism Meets Normalcy.
I'm a caregiver, homemaker and writer (UPDATE: "AND FOOD BLOGGER ."). But I still have dreams. Dreams I can't in good conscience afford. But I don't believe that a little thing like genteel poverty should stand in the way of drinking deep at the font of life and sucking all the marrow and richness life has to offer. ((UPDATE: I don't mean that in a communism/socialism way. Just in a theoretical, idealistic...oh! you know what I mean!) I let my life pass me by in my twenties and I'm not willing to make that mistake again. Very Thoreauesque, I know.
With every dime going to our daily needs (house, car, food, supplements, etc.) and every GoFundMe I've previously started going to my Michael's many healthcare needs...well, there isn't much leftover for me. When I do spend anything I've earned on my "wants," and I do, I feel terrible.
Michael keeps telling me, "Get what you need." But you see, I don't *need* any of this stuff. I just want it.
Girl stuff (UPDATE: Watching a few items on eBay, waiting for the discounts to be offered! Linden perfume coming and a new pair of earrings. Might go for lilac and lily of the valley as well.). New clothes (UPDATE: Ordered 3 items for $46 on 10/26/2019. Hoping they're decent quality). Things to beautify and repair our 1912 cottage. (UPDATE: DREAM REALIZED! Michael got a second-hand, overstuffed, much-needed recliner for $40 through Facebook. He's in Heaven! Also got a $90 heater for a secondary heat source off Craigslist!)
Heirloom perennials for the garden. (SPRING 2020: Already have some local friends who will sell me portions of their perennials for $5/each.) Sampling gourmet foods. My list of wants goes on and on.
It's not about materialism. It's about experiences! Michael says I can "split a penny seventeen ways from Sunday" so donations will be spent with the same thriftiness and nauseating comparison shopping I apply to our own money!
Most of my dreams seem to have something to do with culture, music, food, beauty and my lifelong passion for the 1940s. What I wouldn't give to wash the dishes wearing a rockabilly dress...!! (IT'S COMING IN THE MAIL!!!) I've got the shoes, hair curlers and make-up...now all I need is the clothes to match and...June Cleaver, here I come! I can get them really cheaply on DressLilLy.
But I also want to taste truffles. And cook duck for Michael and me. And sample wonderful stinky runny French cheeses. (UPDATE: DREAM REALIZED! A friend sent us a French cheese sampler from Williams Sonoma!) And caviar. And lobster. Sea urchin/uni. Langoustine. All those expensive things chefs and gastronomes are always talking about and cooking with. I want to experience it all and share it with Michael, at least once.
I'd like to take Michael out for his favorite sushi at least once a month. And then there are all those wonderful sauces one needs to cook really Authentic Asian food. That's our favorite cuisine, healthy too, and I enjoy cooking it...but the ingredients are expensive! (UPDATE: DREAM REALIZED!!! Thanks to your generous donations! I now have everything from ponzu to tree fungus, from five spice to pho!)
"Why don't you get off your ass and earn more," I hear some saying. (UPDATE: A friend has hired me for a one-time literary job. I'm also trying to reinvent myself as a paid food blogger...or in lieu of pay, I'll very happily accept high-end ingredients to research, taste, cook and write about! D'Artagnan? Are you listening!?!)
Okay. Let's talk about that.
I'm a full-time homemaker. A full-time caregiver. And I write 2,000-3,000 words every week for PsychCentral. Hello, meet the turnip. The one you can't squeeze blood out of. That's me.
In the past, I sold my jewelry to earn a little extra. But all the pieces I didn't like are long gone. And it's getting harder and harder to sell on eBay, Etsy and Facebook. (Is it just me or have you noticed that too!? Two sales have fallen through recently. Reason? I've got no idea! $275 dollars promised...but not paid.)
In the past, I hand-kneaded and sold 18 loaves of bread each week from a roadside stand. But that got old. Really, really old and my carpal tunnel wasn't too happy with all that kneading either.
I've done transcription work but would rather be dragged over hot coals than do that miserable job again. We can put man on the moon but we cannot clearly record a business meeting for the poor transcriber!
This year, I started a photo retouching business. But why pay me to retouch and sharpen a photo when you can "perfect" it for free with blurry Instagram filters!
Oh! I totally forgot I used to make pyrography (burned) wood artwork. And tried (and pretty much bombed) the whole Patreon thing. Slipped my mind.
Jobs around here are few-and-far-between and with Michael's health, I couldn't keep a schedule. Too many late nights, early mornings spent worrying and watching and making sure he's still breathing and 3 a.m. desperate dashes to the ER. (Why is it always 3 a.m.!?!)
If you want to hire me to work remotely, I do everything: spreadsheets, data entry, 10-key, writing, editing, photo retouching. Just name it!
I save by growing our own herbs and vegetables...even foraging! But I'm getting a little tired. A little tired of trying so hard. Burned out. A little tired of wearing Family Dollar chic. A little tired of waiting, waiting, waiting until the item I need/want finally appears at a thrift store or garage sale.
Even if I do earn extra, it usually goes straight into the gas tank or the refrigerator or for copays. I'm get burned out after every "side gig" I try and it takes me about six months to find renewed energy and passion for a new "side gig." Michael thinks I work too hard but I don't really agree with that.
But this is me giving up a little. This is me being a little bit selfish. Being a little greedy and wanting more out of life! This is me swallowing my pride, holding out my little bowl and asking, "Please, sir, can I have some more?".
Thanks for reading!
- anonymous friend
- anonymous friend
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