Help Me Get Relief From PTSD
Donation protected
I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that I’ve suffered from PTSD for most of my life. I’m raising money for a treatment which is supposed to instantly help and drastically to completely relieve symptoms.
For those that don’t know, PTSD isn’t a mental or personality disorder at all. Rather, its a physical injury to parts of the brain that regulate mood, emotions, and how you process incoming information caused by constant elevated stress levels. The stress hormone, Cortisol, changes your amygdala and hippocampus with prolonged exposure. The result is disassociation, depression, outbursts of anger, and anxiety. The difference between a disorder and an injury is that an injury can actually be healed.
My traumas started very young with abuses both at home and school. In high school and shortly thereafter I lost an absurd number of friends in tragic ways, some of which I witnessed. Apparently I like screwing myself up so I pursued a career path which brought me to some of the most dangerous places in the world and exposed me to countless acts of extreme violence and constant fear of death.
PTSD has effected me in ways I’d never dreamed of and have only just started to fully understand. It also effects those around me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. The lack of understanding that comes with it has made access to good treatment in my area nearly impossible. Frankly, that’s the case most places. Our broken health care system and a society afraid to talk about mental health hasn’t helped.
I’m tired of it effecting every aspect of my life. I’m tired of people not believing me that it’s real. I’m tired of not sleeping. I’m tired of hiding it. I’m tired of it making me hurt people I love. I’m tired of it ruining my relationships. I’m just tired.
When it’s bad, and it got progressively worse for a over a year beginning in the fall of 2016, getting out of bed can be difficult. I’m constantly on edge, can barely communicate, certainly not about it, little things that would never bother me, or that I love deeply, are suddenly infuriating seemingly for no good reason. I’m filled with self doubt, feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, guilt, survivors guilt, and loneliness, even in a room full of people. I think things that aren’t true. I say things I’d never normally say and never meant. I view everything and everyone as a threat even when they’re just trying to help or love me. I blame everything on something or someone else because I’m already breaking under the weight of crushing guilt and survivors guilt. Some form of unhealthy compulsive behavior sets in. Change, of any kind, is terrifying. It makes you not know who you can trust, who will stay or go, so you push everyone away. It’s a lonely torture.
During a bad period, it’s practically impossible to communicate what’s happening. Attempts just come off as the rantings of a madman. Last fall I started having flashbacks and intense nightmares for the first time. Anxiety attacks became a near daily occurrence. Only problem was I had no idea I was having them. Most devastating to me, and those who love me, it can make me verbally abusive. Thankfully, I’ve never been physically violent but verbal abuse is no less painful when you’re on the end of it. When I come out of it, this is also extremely painful to me because it’s not actually coming from me but from PTSD. This adds to the guilt, hopelessness, helplessness, and shame of it all. To those that know me this is very confusing and hurtful because it can turn me into an entirely different person. It makes it almost impossible to live with myself at times.
I guess I’m what they call “high functioning” PTSD. That means I can hold a job, finish a book, and have a loving, fulfilling, and caring relationship. Until it gets bad. Then, nobody wants to be around me. I don’t even want to be around myself. Basic functions become monumental tasks.
For all intents and purposes I seem normal most of the time because I am basically ok. Unfortunately, being high functioning also means it’s very hard for me to know what’s happening when it starts to get bad. It means some people don’t believe me because I seem relatively normal otherwise. I’m not drinking to excess, I don’t have a drug problem, still go to work, I’m not getting into bar fights, I haven’t shot up the VA, I haven’t tried to kill myself, and so on.
I’m seeking traditional treatments again. They’re all that’s available in my area with my insurance. I’m worried they’ll fail me again as they have in the past. My last therapist’s advice for winning my fight against it was to “just love myself.” My first therapist just wanted to medicate me into a zombie. I guess they don’t understand how hard it is for a zombie to feel like themselves and live a normal life. Or for someone who’s broken a loved one’s heart repeatedly to “just love himself.” I just want to be myself all the time.
Anyone who understands PTSD knows how hard it is to live with. For the loved ones of those afflicted by it, but most especially for those suffering with it. There aren’t many more horrible experiences than not being in control of one’s mind, words, and life. The only thing worse is people not believing you about how it effects you and what those effects can make you say and do. All of which is completely beyond your control. These things are actually worse than the traumas, which you never asked for, that left you this way in the first place. Worst of all, is not being able to find actual long term relief.
Before quite recently I never understood the associated anxiety. I didn’t even think I had anxiety. I hadn’t been given enough information about it. Or any really. I’ve also come to terms with how it’s changed my worldview now that I finally have a better understanding of it and my triggers. These were all things that should have been addressed in therapy but never fully where, if at all. I should have understood this years ago.
However, there is the possibility of relief from it. I’ve heard of new treatments in the last few years and have looked into them in the last few months. I’d do anything to try one offered in Chicago. It consists of a simple injection into a sack of nerves in the neck and has changed most recipients lives almost instantly. Unfortunately, my state provided insurance (MA) won’t cover procedures out of state unless it’s an emergency. The cost of the procedure is actually quite low - only $2000.00. It can be repeated as often as needed. There’s a subsidy available but I’d rather it go to more severe cases. So, here I am. I’ve always had a very hard time asking for help and this isn’t easy for me. I’m hoping to raise $3000.00 to cover the cost of treatment and travel expenses for myself and a companion. I need to have someone accompany me due to having to be anesthetized and being unable to drive afterwards.
Any monies raised above and beyond the cost of treatment and travel expenses will be donated to Project Semicolon, a non profit focusing on suicide prevention. Suicide is the ultimate and final collapse of our societies failure to address and treat mental health issues; for this reason, and because the founder recently committed suicide and PTSD nearly pushed me to it several years ago, I have chosen this organization. I will be fully transparent regarding where all donations are dispensed. I greatly appreciate any help offered. You have no idea how much this means to me. I need to regain control over myself and my life. Thank you all so much.
http://advancedpaincenters.org/https://
projectsemicolon.com/
For those that don’t know, PTSD isn’t a mental or personality disorder at all. Rather, its a physical injury to parts of the brain that regulate mood, emotions, and how you process incoming information caused by constant elevated stress levels. The stress hormone, Cortisol, changes your amygdala and hippocampus with prolonged exposure. The result is disassociation, depression, outbursts of anger, and anxiety. The difference between a disorder and an injury is that an injury can actually be healed.
My traumas started very young with abuses both at home and school. In high school and shortly thereafter I lost an absurd number of friends in tragic ways, some of which I witnessed. Apparently I like screwing myself up so I pursued a career path which brought me to some of the most dangerous places in the world and exposed me to countless acts of extreme violence and constant fear of death.
PTSD has effected me in ways I’d never dreamed of and have only just started to fully understand. It also effects those around me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. The lack of understanding that comes with it has made access to good treatment in my area nearly impossible. Frankly, that’s the case most places. Our broken health care system and a society afraid to talk about mental health hasn’t helped.
I’m tired of it effecting every aspect of my life. I’m tired of people not believing me that it’s real. I’m tired of not sleeping. I’m tired of hiding it. I’m tired of it making me hurt people I love. I’m tired of it ruining my relationships. I’m just tired.
When it’s bad, and it got progressively worse for a over a year beginning in the fall of 2016, getting out of bed can be difficult. I’m constantly on edge, can barely communicate, certainly not about it, little things that would never bother me, or that I love deeply, are suddenly infuriating seemingly for no good reason. I’m filled with self doubt, feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, guilt, survivors guilt, and loneliness, even in a room full of people. I think things that aren’t true. I say things I’d never normally say and never meant. I view everything and everyone as a threat even when they’re just trying to help or love me. I blame everything on something or someone else because I’m already breaking under the weight of crushing guilt and survivors guilt. Some form of unhealthy compulsive behavior sets in. Change, of any kind, is terrifying. It makes you not know who you can trust, who will stay or go, so you push everyone away. It’s a lonely torture.
During a bad period, it’s practically impossible to communicate what’s happening. Attempts just come off as the rantings of a madman. Last fall I started having flashbacks and intense nightmares for the first time. Anxiety attacks became a near daily occurrence. Only problem was I had no idea I was having them. Most devastating to me, and those who love me, it can make me verbally abusive. Thankfully, I’ve never been physically violent but verbal abuse is no less painful when you’re on the end of it. When I come out of it, this is also extremely painful to me because it’s not actually coming from me but from PTSD. This adds to the guilt, hopelessness, helplessness, and shame of it all. To those that know me this is very confusing and hurtful because it can turn me into an entirely different person. It makes it almost impossible to live with myself at times.
I guess I’m what they call “high functioning” PTSD. That means I can hold a job, finish a book, and have a loving, fulfilling, and caring relationship. Until it gets bad. Then, nobody wants to be around me. I don’t even want to be around myself. Basic functions become monumental tasks.
For all intents and purposes I seem normal most of the time because I am basically ok. Unfortunately, being high functioning also means it’s very hard for me to know what’s happening when it starts to get bad. It means some people don’t believe me because I seem relatively normal otherwise. I’m not drinking to excess, I don’t have a drug problem, still go to work, I’m not getting into bar fights, I haven’t shot up the VA, I haven’t tried to kill myself, and so on.
I’m seeking traditional treatments again. They’re all that’s available in my area with my insurance. I’m worried they’ll fail me again as they have in the past. My last therapist’s advice for winning my fight against it was to “just love myself.” My first therapist just wanted to medicate me into a zombie. I guess they don’t understand how hard it is for a zombie to feel like themselves and live a normal life. Or for someone who’s broken a loved one’s heart repeatedly to “just love himself.” I just want to be myself all the time.
Anyone who understands PTSD knows how hard it is to live with. For the loved ones of those afflicted by it, but most especially for those suffering with it. There aren’t many more horrible experiences than not being in control of one’s mind, words, and life. The only thing worse is people not believing you about how it effects you and what those effects can make you say and do. All of which is completely beyond your control. These things are actually worse than the traumas, which you never asked for, that left you this way in the first place. Worst of all, is not being able to find actual long term relief.
Before quite recently I never understood the associated anxiety. I didn’t even think I had anxiety. I hadn’t been given enough information about it. Or any really. I’ve also come to terms with how it’s changed my worldview now that I finally have a better understanding of it and my triggers. These were all things that should have been addressed in therapy but never fully where, if at all. I should have understood this years ago.
However, there is the possibility of relief from it. I’ve heard of new treatments in the last few years and have looked into them in the last few months. I’d do anything to try one offered in Chicago. It consists of a simple injection into a sack of nerves in the neck and has changed most recipients lives almost instantly. Unfortunately, my state provided insurance (MA) won’t cover procedures out of state unless it’s an emergency. The cost of the procedure is actually quite low - only $2000.00. It can be repeated as often as needed. There’s a subsidy available but I’d rather it go to more severe cases. So, here I am. I’ve always had a very hard time asking for help and this isn’t easy for me. I’m hoping to raise $3000.00 to cover the cost of treatment and travel expenses for myself and a companion. I need to have someone accompany me due to having to be anesthetized and being unable to drive afterwards.
Any monies raised above and beyond the cost of treatment and travel expenses will be donated to Project Semicolon, a non profit focusing on suicide prevention. Suicide is the ultimate and final collapse of our societies failure to address and treat mental health issues; for this reason, and because the founder recently committed suicide and PTSD nearly pushed me to it several years ago, I have chosen this organization. I will be fully transparent regarding where all donations are dispensed. I greatly appreciate any help offered. You have no idea how much this means to me. I need to regain control over myself and my life. Thank you all so much.
http://advancedpaincenters.org/https://
projectsemicolon.com/
Organizer
Matt Nelson
Organizer
Chatham, MA