I'm laying here at Harris Hospital in Fort Worth Texas realizing my final days are upon me. It started back in April when I was diagnosed with stage IVLymphoma cancer.
Couldn't just be normal Lymphoma, it had to be Burkitt's lymphoma. And a rare one at that.
It's what's called a triple hit Burkitt's. Meaning there are three bad chromosones they have to fight.
Basically it's a fast growing tumor they throw everything at. We started with Chemo called Hyper/Cvad....one of the strongest doses of chemo they have.
The tumor responded and went from 22cm to 8.4 cm then got pissed off and started growing again. They took me off Chemo and Sent me to MD Anderson in Houston to be on a clinical trial. I tried that and the tumor got bigger after a month so they kicked me off and sent me back.
Now I'm laying here with this huge belly, a bad prognosis, and hooked to what they call "salvage" chemo. It doesn't look good. Basically if this chemo does not shrink the tumor I am going to die. If it does shrink the tumor, then I have to have a bone marrow transfusion immediately to help fight the cancer.
There will be a small window of opportunity and we have to find a donor match. I"ve gone from a 32 inch waist to almost a 44". I know what a pregnant woman feels now.......you cannot get comfortable no matter what position you lie in. My back is killing me, I'm tired, exhausted, I can't eat without throwing iit back up and I have not pooped in three days because the tumor is wrapped around my intestines.
I'm only 45 years old and not ready to die. But here I lay wondering wtf happened and how did this happened.
For the first time in my life I'm actually afraid.
9 years in the Army I served. I'm proud of that. I went to college and got a degree.........I have a beautiful family........I guess I've had a good life., I've shot more deer than most people have seen over the years.......hell I have killed lots of animals over the years. Shit loads of doves.......
I can't even think about the number of bullets I've fired over the years. It would be funny to see that mountain of brass. We would all smile and be proud and say "damn Jeff, you have a trigger finger left?" The mountain of brass would shade my two story house. I can be proud of that.
I have an 8 year old son I have not taught much too. I've been pretty sick all year. He has a chipmunk rifle ready to go......Dad just needs to get better......and there are days I can barely get off the couch I'm so sick.
Will somebody teach him when I'm gone? I sure hope so.....he's a good kid and if he's got some of his Dad in him he's gonna be a damn good shot.
Yes....these are the words of a truly dying man. I don't think I'll have any regrets.........I've always wanted to work on a project car.....you know......rebuild an old classic. 65 mustang or 72 Chevy pickup...
If I get better that's what I want to do. Chances are small and slim though and I think I finally realized that tonight.
The nurses act different around me. They look sad.......they must have read my chart and seen my prognosis. It's in their eyes and faces. They won't look me in the eye......and I've been coming here for months for treatment
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