Kyle's Top Surgery

Hello there, my name is Kyle Nordby (he/him). I am a trans actor and writer, and I'm raising funds to cover the cost of gender-affirming FTM Top Surgery.

MY TRANS JOURNEY SO FAR

Ever since I was a child, I knew I was a boy. The only time I was able to healthily express this was through games with my siblings (where I often chose to be Troy Bolton while we played our own version of High School Musical). Another way was through customizable characters in video games, where my first choice, when given one for gender, always leaned male. I spent many nights praying to god that I would wake up in a different body, one I felt comfortable in that wasn't my own. Being in a female-presenting body was confusing and damaging to my mental health as a child, and I never knew why I felt so uncomfortable all the time. When I discovered Justin Beiber (around 6th grade), I would stand in the mirror and push my hair to the side to look like him. I wanted that shaggy bull cut he rocked more than anything in the world. Unfortunately, I did eventually convince my mom to cut my hair short in 7th grade, into a short bob, and at school the next day, my best guy friend told me I looked ugly (f-you, Chase).

Making friends was especially hard as a kid; between dealing with an undiagnosed bipolar disorder and not truly feeling comfortable in my own skin, I never knew why I was so miserable all the time. My closest friends were almost always boys, and this became really hard once I got into middle school, when they would constantly get the wrong impression and conflate my friendship with them as me having feelings for them. My friend groups were never very stable. Girls I met growing up never had the patience for my annoying boyish banter, and boys would always try to become 'more than friends' and see me as a potential girlfriend rather than a true friend. It was a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. The constant struggle to belong was one I dealt with a great deal of my childhood, and even now into my adulthood, I still struggle.

One of my lowest points in life brought me to the beautiful and vibrant city of New Orleans. I got here in February 2020, one week before the pandemic, when I was twenty years old. During my months alone in the city, I discovered TikTok and decided one day to cut my hair and post the video to the site. As soon as I saw how short my hair was, I instantly became euphoric, seeing myself in a new light. I made more videos; I chopped my hair shorter and shorter until I looked like the Disney child star of my dreams. It was a high I craved, but I didn't understand. The feelings faded, and I came home to California for a month, where I started to mindlessly watch FTM trans men on youtube without thinking much of it while I experimented with different labels for myself and started using they/them pronouns.

It all changed the day I went to visit my Dad's house.

I got there, and it was just him and me. We talked, bantered, and made some dinner. It was all quite normal for us, as we are pretty close. After we ate, he asked if I wanted to watch a movie, which is also very normal for us to end our nights with. We came across 'Rocketman', and he pressed, demanding that we watch it, even though I told him, "I'm not sure if I'm mentally prepared" (I was avoiding the movie because it felt overwhelming, considering Elton and Taron are my absolute faves). We ended up watching it, and suddenly, the small light inside me engulfed my insides in flames. I kept shaking my head as new and scary ideas demanded to be thought, demanded to no longer be deep in my subconscious and be brought to light. Seeing Taron as Elton brought a familiar feeling, one I had felt back in New Orleans, where I finally felt like myself. All I could think was, "That is who I want to be". I didn't want to be Taron or even Elton. I wanted to be perceived the way I was perceiving them at that moment; I wanted people to look at me and feel the same way I felt when I looked at them. I wanted to be myself, a man. Not only was this an eye-opening experience, but also a moment I hold dearly, considering it was also my dad's own way of telling me he excepted my sexuality and that I was seen.

A few weeks later, I was back in New Orleans. After seeing a transgender therapist back home for a while, I was sure I was trans, and three months later, I confidently started taking testosterone (eeek!!) and started my new life journey.

WHY TOP SURGERY?

Top surgery is something I have always confidently known was something I wanted after starting my journey. Working in film, I work fourteen to sixteen-hour days in my current chest binder. Chest binders are not supposed to be worn more than eight hours a day at the most, but it's not really an option for me to take off ever unless I am sleeping. Without my binder, I am dysphoric and miserable, and only a select few people can even be around me without it on. I can currently think of only two people who I feel comfortable with enough not to wear it around. The amount of time I spend in my binder has started to affect my physical health; backache and pain in my shoulders are some of the effects of wearing it daily for such long hours. This is the prime reason I need surgery as soon as I'm able.

WHAT WILL THE FUNDS GO TOWARDS

For the process to go smoothly, to not add to the mental and physical distress I already feel, funds will be needed for more than just the surgery. This gofundme will help with the cost of travel to the hospital, accommodations while there, food and nessecesties (cat food, etc.) during the three-month healing process, and to pay for any medications prescribed. Gofundme also takes a percentage, and that has been included in the total as well.

THANK YOU FOR READING

Thank you for taking the time to read my story, and please share to get the word out. Have a wonderful day/night, where ever you are! Can't wait to share the results with the world.

All photos taken/editied by my amazing friend, Taylor Butler (@taybutler8 on instgram).