Breathing Room

This most likely is one of the hardest things I’ll ever do, but I don’t have time for pride.

After 18 days of waiting, yesterday I was retested and it looks like I lose.  

I have a 45mm apical mass in my right lung with hilar lymph swelling.  For all intents and purposes it’s being called lung cancer, until or if I actually go get it biopsied.  The extent of my anxiety and panic disorder is not helpful in any of this.

Which is mostly why I’m writing this.  I’m looking for Seth to have a little less stress during this time.  Those that know us know we are both self-employed.  I just got knocked off the game board, and with appointments and caregiving I believe it’s going to be really hard on Seth to juggle all of me and this.. and still try to teach as well.   We are lucky many of his students come to the house or are via Skype, but the times are random and trying to plot appointments around them is proving to be difficult.  And how do we choose?  Pay rent... or grab these appointments (at any time) which I need quickly?  It’s a catch-22 of suck.  And stress.  Stress we can’t afford because we’re already full-up and overflowing.  

 I won’t lie, I have crippling panic when Seth has to leave the house, and as it gets harder to breathe ... that gets more difficult to endure.  So I’m swallowing my pride, and asking for help because as stated above, I honestly do not have the time for pride.  Lung is a very fast moving cancer with not the greatest stats for survival, especially depending on what stage it is.  I can’t think about this.  I just have to move, and move quickly.  And in order to do this, I need Seth.

So maybe this is the crappiest go fund me ever created, but it’s only been 12 hours since I was hit with this news.  I’m in shock.  I’m terrified.  I’m confused.  And I desperately need better doctors, which seems like a horrible thing to say... but my doctor told me 2 weeks ago not to get my hopes up.  Who DOES that?  Especially since it’s only been a month since I was perfectly fine.  Hyper, weird, nervous little artist girl per usual.  And so I will NOT give up hope.  Because I’ve got so much more to do.

I’m 46 years old and I have a husband, my parents and two dogs.  I am not ready to die.  So please help me free up my partner in all so we can fight this Horancini-style.

Thank you for reading,
Gina