Help with my top surgery

Hi! for those of you that don't know me already my name is Tennyson (hopefully that will be my legal name towards the end of October) Here's a bit of backstory about how I came to walk the path I'm currently walking.

I am afab (assigned female at birth) and I went through most of my life believing that there was no other way to be. It never crossed my mind that I could be transgender. The feelings of discontent, inadequacy, and wrongness were not something I had the vocabulary to verbalize. I knew that for some reason I was not TRULY seeing myself when I looked in the mirror... but I could never understand WHY. Not so nice thoughts of harm towards myself crossed my mind often and I still could not figure out why I always felt like I was doing something wrong, like I was always out of place. I had no way to understand or figure out WHY I was feeling this way. I would stare at myself sometimes in the mirror for long periods of time crying because I just didn't understand why I couldn't just be happy with what I had and who I was. That lasted 40 years, Until the day I put on my first male cosplay makeup...

In late 2019 my child got me into the cosplay seen... and tiktok, and I enjoyed it thoroughly, I had found a new creative outlet and I embraced the fun and newness of it. But it wasn't until I decided to paint a beard on my face on a whim to age up a character that I got hit by a metaphorical 2x4. I looked in the mirror after finishing my paint job and for the first time in my life I heard a voice inside my head go "THERE YOU ARE!!! I KNEW I WOULD FIND YOU!" My whole face lit up from the inside out... and I was terrified and joyous at the same time. I fought it, and studied and researched, and even grew out my facial hair that would grow due to PCOS(polycystic ovary syndrome) (I fell in love with myself all over again) The entire year after that moment was hard, full of questions and growing pains, and trying to figure out who I was supposed to be. Turns out who I'm supposed to be is the man I am today(mostly). My journey went from identifying as gender fluid they/she/he to simply a transgender man and he/him pronouns over the course of a year and half. My husband and I decided to separate November of 2020. We still live in the same house and share custody of our 17 year old child. He's been great through all of this, but we are no longer compatible in our marriage.

Once we settled that and I finally became confident in who I was meant to be, things settled down. The amount of joy in my life Despite all of the chaos at the moment is SO MUCH MORE than I ever could have imagined. I'm not depressed, I'm not thinking harmful thought about myself, and I FINALLY, after over 40 years, recognize myself in my mirror....

EXCEPT for this little part... and that would be my chest... as a cosplayer I use transtape for cosplays and open chest bind. In hotter weather when its super hot I can use the tape once in a while to give my body a break from the binders. The gender euphoria I get in the tape helps... but then I have to take it off. Using the tape comes with consequences such as ripped skin and nasty blisters if I'm not super vigilant and careful and even THEN the injuries can still happen. Binders for me are a must when I go to work or I'm out and about. The anxiety I feel with going out without the binder is so bad I'll sometimes turn back around and go home and put it back on if I've forgotten it. I get jumpy and worry constantly about my safety. But the binders are also starting to take their toll physically. My back muscles and chest muscles are starting to get injured easier. Getting a binder on and off isn't always easy, I'll pull some back or chest muscle trying to get it on and not be able to move well for days. sometimes my lungs suffer, and my asthma will act up more until I go most of a weekend without wearing one.

And that leads me to why I'm here asking for help, I need to get top surgery. I need to be able to be who I was meant to grow into. But it's expensive, and due to the reaching and stretching at my job I'll most likely be out of work for 8 weeks. I'll not only need to pay for my surgery but cover my bills for two months while I recover. So anything I raise will go towards either the medical bills directly or for mine and my child's care and living expenses while I recover. Anything helps. I was reluctant to do this, but a number of friends convinced me it was worth a shot to try.

I hope this wasn't too long winded. And I appreciate you taking the time to read through my story and try to get to know me a bit better. THANK YOU for your time. And if you do donate, thank you again for that.