Hi. And thanks for being here.
I'm Misty, Marsha's little sister. Some of you know me some of you don't, but Ive created this go fund me to honor and to support my incredible sisters journey, through what is proving to be one of the most intense dark nights of the soul. I have watched my sister struggle and thrive through the hardships and traumas delt us as innocent children... And lasting into adulthood. There is no easy way to tell those stories or to explain the ways we win at life and the ways we fail despite our best intentions. Our individual demons and struggles are lived behind the scenes of outer appearances and rarely do we find the support and the love we need to experience major transformation. And that's what this page is for. Support. Emotional support (knowing so many people believe in her and love her, has made every inch of difference in her ability to keep moving forward). Physical support (having people around who care and show up in these rocky times is the key to getting through the "shit" in life). And Financial support. Marsha has a road of recovery and court cases ahead of her, and the looming financial burdens of those -as so many of you know- are massive. She is in desperate need of money for lawyers, basic living supplies (she is being harassed so employment has become incredibly difficult), therapy and her bail-bond. These expenses are easily lifted with even the smallest gestures from you. So please, give generously. Remember the light Marsha has brought to your world, remember the times you struggled through hell- and where the smallest supports would have/did make all the difference to you. Addiction is an evil and far reaching disease. One that we know far too well in our family, and one I know Marsha is finally ready to let go of. Sometimes we have to hit rock I bottom to know what and why we are here.

***The above picture is Marsha in the prime of her recovery and schooling last year.

** Below are some of her own words from the road to recovery.


TO YOU FROM ME

The truth..... behind an addicts (a real person) eyes

First, Thanks for all the ones being positive during all this and reaching out... Thank you it really has meant the world to me.

Ive been without my kids and had no communication with them since December... It has broken my spirit and 
caused me endless amounts of pain. 

✔Yes, I relapsed back in November.... let me add to that relapse.
ALL MY LIFE, ALL I'VE EVER WANTED WAS TO be a "MOTHER & WIFE"
I failed at my first attempt with my ex-husband whom I spent 9 years with.
HE for good reason, gave up on me ever changing due to lack of honesty, growing up, my addiction, and etc...
When we broke up, I was forced to look at  WHO I WANTED TO BE WITHOUT JAKE NEXT TO MY SIDE. (We had been together so long I didn't know who I was without him.)
✔I failed my husband, I was determined not to fail my kids. Words from my oldest daughter Mishaela...spoken to me over a phone call while I was in prison.. God bless her soul. She said, "mom I know when you come home your gonna be the best mom ever."
She said it Right....{MY GOAL} was to be the mother that I knew I could be, but hadn't yet fulfilled.

•I got out of prison and rocked sobriety, saved money, worked 2+ jobs, started college, moved into my own house, furnished my entire house, paid off all my debt, bought a new car-paid it off a year later, graduated college, completed a perfect parole and gold sealed 4.5 years early, started career, moved into a beautiful home with my kids. I say this not to brag, but to give you some credited accomplishments. I didn't just give up and use.

• I went thru some pretty tragic and challenging things in my life in August & September, lost the best aunt Lisa, started a new career, broke up with Jeremy after 16 months, got really sick and struggled getting healthy for months.  I slowly started shutting people out of my life (my #1 supporter my mom my dad my sisters real great friends and the list goes on. 
 I was overwhelmed and embarrassed when I started struggling because for 2+ yrs I was just handling life.... smashing goal after goal.

•I didn't just relapse I reached out to many (but not enough) and got great feedback, most reminding me of what I've been thru and how strong I am & I could get thru anything. Yes, I've been thru worse and came thru, but I felt uneasy doubting every decision I was making, feeling really overwhelmed with all that was going on in my life, and started to fall apart inside slowly. Regardless, Ive struggled through a 20 yr addiction that has literally ruined so much of my life. I would give anything to go back to the day I was introduced to that drug and erase it. None the less I am who I am for all that Ive been through in my life so therefore my choices are mine and mine alone. I have only myself to blame for my current situation.
I never imagined after accomplishimg what I achieved the last 3 years; it would end up like this. I accomplished more in 20 months right out of prison then I accomplished in 9 years with my ex....I was on Grind mode....
•Truth is without seeing or having contact with my kids since Dec makes living almost unbearable... In my opinion (most cases) mothers with an addiction should not be denied their kids...because for me when I finally realized who I wanted to be in this life>>>
MY CHILDREN became 1 of the main reasons for breathing...
-------THEY ARE THE REASON....I have fought so hard to change my life, better myself, find out who I was without a man next to me, and strive towards the mother that I wanted to be for my kids.....
**************LIFE WITHOUT their quirky personalities, laughter, their loves, their amazing hugs, funny things they say, being able to take them to do things they have never done before, watching them grow, watching them learn things, be lil' problem solvers....man o man WHAT I WOULDN'T DO TO JUST SEE THEIR SMILE RIGHT NOW, HUG THEM, TICKLE THEM, WATCH A MOVIE WITH THEM.... I never knew I could truly feel this empty inside...
but I do.****************

My life without these lil' humans (Braden, Mishaela, Ezekial, & Kadence) for ME is nothing more than feeling ...............EMPTY•LOST•BROKEN.............
I struggled to get clean, but finally did it without anyone's help. As promised from my ex and new wife when I was clean I could see the kids..... well I was clean and just wanted to hear their voices, see their faces, touch them, ANYTHING....... but instead Jake just ridiculed me for taking as long as I did to get clean and said how about I get back with you in 4 months. WHY A PERSON TALKS TERRIBLY ABOUT ANY CHILDS PARENT IS BEYOND ME...A CHILD WILL HEAR THESE THOUGHTS AND ONLY FEEL, IF YOU THINK THAT WAY ABOUT THEIR PARENT THEN THEY MUST BE THE SAME WAY. WHY PUNISH A CHILD FOR AN ADULTS CHOICES???

Every time I tried to reach out I was I was left with more disappointment, yet another failure thrown in my face, and more reasons for me to just walk away or go away because obviously they would be better off without me in their lives.
I cant describe the pain I have in my heart after being told from my ex "HE WAS READY TO TELL THE KIDS I DIED, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE EASIER ON THEM."
Dismissing my sobriety, he used the amount of time It took to get clean, saying I'll call ya in about 4 months.... NOT BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT AN ADDICT AROUND THE KIDS----because he wants to continue to find the only way that works to TRULY HURT or GET TO ME....It's working... (he knows how to tear me down and does it on purpose)
•Nothing anyone is ever going to say to me will TOP what I speak to myself everyday for my past mistakes (struggling with my addiction.) I've caused so much pain, heartache, & unanswered questions...
I personally could care less what anybody sais about me, thinks of me, or accuses me of......

We all fight our own battles and unfortunately I am my worst critic.
----You wonder why addicts continue to fall down❓----
❎Lack of support
❎PEOPLE tearing them down enough emotionally and mentally that they no longer believe they can accomplish anything else...
❎worthless comments to belittle them for mistakes
❎pasts failures
❎childhood trauma
❎early absusive exposure 
❎relationships
❎ridiculing them for not "making it"

Do we do these things while raising children? No. It doesn't matter how long it takes, you don't give up....you persevere! You encourage! You show support! Show compassion or keep your mouths shut. Why? Because that's how a child one day achieves success..... back to the basics people.. 
Some take longer then others...
The problem is "Lack of Community". Coming together with real addicts and finding the solution to an addiction problem that is way over due in our communities.
For you that dont know... Prison does almost nothing for an addict.... go in a addict, come out an addict= same problems, different year, same or worse self esteem, feeling like a failure, no real attainable goals because you've done nothing while you sat in prison, no real life experience to set you up for succes. 
For all that have achieved recovery at this moment... You are a miracle. 

♡Sorry for any humiliation I've caused my family or friends or clients. I never wanted to hurt anyone or embarrass any of you and for that I am sincerely sorry.♡
......what I do know is God has amazing plans for all the trials and tribulations Ive been thru in life. And their has been plenty. I will somehow be a solution to what we call a problem......
He will use me because unlike these hurtful comments people choose to lash out with
I have compassion for people where they are & where they have been and just want nothing more than to help others to see their worth, build others up, help them realize their potential, and make them feel good about what God has created.....

✔Yes I screwed up
✔yes I let the 4 most treasured people in my life down, I let my mom down once again, broke promises (I should have never made) & lost touch with very important people in my life.. but I'm willing to face it all not to prove a point but to face this damn addiction I have once again for the millionth time....to maybe one day be an inspiration to someone else out there fighting similiar battles....
~I wish I had the opportunity right now to talk to my kids and see how they are doing through all this, I dont want them to feel like they were abandoned, not loved, or not enough. I want them to be able to talk about how they feel about all this, being honest, and feeling safe to talk about this real problem their mom struggles with rather then keep them away from me not allowing them to express their true feelings or talk about me is pure child abuse in another form.~

MAY GOD BLESS YOUR LIFE AND PULL YOU FROM THE PLACE YOU DWELL IN SO THAT ONE DAY YOU MAY HAVE A HEART OF GOLD AND LIFT SOMEONE UP RATHER THEN TEAR THEM DOWN...

Sincerely & Truly,
...a real addict-struggling with a real addiction-yet still fighting!

Marsha A Fairbanks