I don’t know that my story is so different than anyone else’s, in fact - since I began my IVF journey five years ago, I’ve learned how incredibly common infertility is. The process of trying to have a baby can be exhilarating and joyous. It can also be painful and heartbreaking.

A little bit about me, I’m an only child, single, and surviving on disability. Ten years ago I moved in with my Mom and we’re the Mother/Daughter version of The Odd Couple no one ever asked for. Life is what it is, ups and downs, good and bad - there’s just one thing missing. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I had dreams of raising a large family more than I had ambitions for anything else.

Suddenly I was 35 and facing the idea that I could be missing my window of opportunity to become a mother at all. Ultimately, after much discussion with my parents, I made the decision to try it on my own. I saved up and began the process to parenthood with IUI.

I called it Project Baby: Let’s Get Basted!

From the beginning it seemed as if the odds were against me. First we discovered that my Fallopian tubes were blocked. I blogged about that process because having them UNblocked was an event of its own.

That first IUI failed despite my newly cleared tubes. I settled in for the marathon.

Then Mom got sick and as the primary source of income her time off work delayed another attempt. Baby Fund had to be redirected and it took us several months to get back on track. It was the start of a series of unfortunate events that kept getting in the way of my goal.

My second attempt was another failure. I wasn’t discouraged but the clock was ticking and THAT was causing my anxiety to go into overdrive. My overall health was raising concerns with my medical team so attempts to conceive were put on hold while we juggled my various medications to get me into tip top baby making shape.

Then something odd appeared on a routine ECG. We discovered a previously undiagnosed heart condition called Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome. It had to be corrected according to The Powers That Be so Project Baby was suspended indefinitely. The diagnosis was made in July 2017 and I decided by December I would try one last IUI if I hadn’t been scheduled for the cardiac ablation to correct the WPW. If the IUI worked I‘d just have to take extra precautions during the pregnancy.


It didn’t work.

I had the cardiac ablation in February 2018. As soon as I recovered I went for another HSG to check the status of my Fallopian tubes. They were blocked AGAIN. I was planning another cannulation and ready to go through it again as soon as possible to get the baby ball rolling.

Two weeks after that HSG test I experienced a freak accident and tore my ACL, LCL, and MCL. Project Baby was pushed back yet again. That fall I had surgery to replace my ACL and the recovery was hard.

At Christmas Mom and I had a LONG talk. IVF was the only logical option if I wanted the best possible chance to conceive. The doctors agreed and Mom remortgaged our condo to make it happen. I did the tests, required counselling, The Great Donor Search and was ready to go in February 2019.

Unfortunately I had gained too much weight in the previous two years of being more inactive than ever before and had to lose 37lbs before I could begin IVF treatment. I was frustrated but motivated.

And then at the end of March I was in a small car accident that messed up my back. New challenge, same me.

By May I had the weight lost and was working through physical therapy and ready to go. Everything was scheduled to begin when my cycle started in June. I was pumped! I was prepared!

I was also growing a cyst in my uterus. Project Baby: foiled again.

After treatment, FINALLY the planets aligned, the wind was blowing in the right direction and in August 2019 I began IVF. I was excited. It was thrilling and exhausting and so much MORE than I had anticipated.

So was the overwhelming sense of failure when we only extracted 2 eggs. Neither one survived fertilization. I was devastated.

Mom did some magic with the bank and I’m pretty sure they made us promise to never ask them for money again but they allowed us a little bit more to try again. With high hopes and better prepared, my second round of IVF happened in November. We got 4 eggs and one actually fertilized!!

Unfortunately it didn’t implant following transfer. It was going to take another try.

January 2020 my doctor told me that due to my diminished egg reserve we had to move FAST if this had any chance of working. Just my luck, my donor had no more samples available and it took me a month to find another compatible sperm donor. I turned 40 in the meantime and was beginning to panic about running out of time but March was going to be it. My last hurrah.

Cue COVID-19. Project Baby looked like it was never going to happen.

In May I got the call that it was time. It was officially MY turn. I was ready.

I did everything right.

I was prepared.

We collected 6 EGGS!!

Three fertilized. Two survived to Day 5. But as I was being prepped for the transfer procedure they told me one had arrested. Only one blastocyst was still viable.

We named it ‘Bubble’.

I was cautiously optimistic but afraid to hope too hard. That two week wait was awful. I screamed like a banshee when the clinic called to tell me that it had worked. I was pregnant. It really WAS my turn!

Bubble became my whole world. I was afraid to believe it was real until that ultrasound where I could see and hear a heartbeat. It was unbelievable. The greatest and coolest experience of my life. I’d never been so happy - ever. I finally began to believe. I was getting what I’d always wanted. I was going to be a mom.

And for that 9 weeks, I WAS.

Finding out Bubble no longer had a heartbeat... it was an indescribable moment. I remember thanking my team for having tried so hard to help me for so long. What had started as such a celebratory visit ended in a lot of tears. Because it was ALL OVER. There were no more chances for me. Another round might produce another egg or two but there was no money to even try. Everyone knew it.

Losing Bubble was hard but I understand that sometimes nature takes over and there’s nothing anyone can do about that. But the thought of never being a mother, ever? That’s something I’m just not ready to accept. Not yet.

I’m an aunt to the children of my friends and they’re wonderful and I love them all. But it’s so, so difficult to see them and watch them grow and know I’ll never have that. I want to hold a little one and hear them say ‘Mama’ and know it’s ME they’re calling. I want the hugs and the cuddles and tantrums and noise and story times and homework and sleepless nights and runny noses and teacher meetings and drawings on the fridge... I want to be a mom. I just need some help to make it happen.

The doctors aren’t sure if another IVF round is worth it so a donor egg might be my best chance. Either way, it’s going to cost money that I don’t have. So it was suggested that I try this. That I’ve got nothing to lose. That it doesn’t hurt to ask. I’m not sure if this will work but I can’t quit just yet. I know it’s not time to give up yet. I can feel it.

I know times are hard on everyone right now and I honestly hate having to ask but if you’re able to donate anything or even just share this with someone who can, I finally might get to make my greatest wish come true. And that would mean more than I could possibly explain.