Siblings After SIDs, For My Jack

I'd like you to meet Jackson Lee Johnston, the best, most beautiful, biggest surprise of our lives. Greg and I have been together almost 10 years, we're both in our late 30's and neither of us had any children until the day after Christmas last year. We were never not trying, but at this age, when you've never had as much as a pregnancy scare, a pregnancy was a shock! I didn't even realize I was pregnant until almost 4 months in. I had thrown up a couple of times but I honestly thought it was just me overheating from fishing in the Texas sun for too long with my husband. I've never been totally regular, but after a minor emotional outburst and a completely random mid day puke (without being in the sun all day), I decided I would buy a test just for certainty, even though I 100% still didn't think that was it. I got home that evening, my husband was working a random overnight shift and at 2 am, I remembered the test and I could not believe what I saw. Instantly glad I grabbed a two pack, stick two, stunned! I called my husband which I rarely do at work freaking out. He was shocked but so happy, way more calm than I was. It was the middle of the night but I told him to come home with a bag full of different brands ASAP! There I was at 3:30 with a new 3 pack "triple check" and the answers the same.   I think I was in shock all of Sunday and called the doctor first thing Monday morning because I still really needed to hear someone in scrubs draw my blood and tell me to my face in a medical setting, yes. Oh and they did, in fact they said I was "real pregnant", about 15 weeks! After that our entire lives shifted, this was my mom's first grandbaby, my in-laws first grandson, this was huge and everyone around was equally shocked and so happy for us.  I had absolutely always wanted to get pregnant, always wanted to be a mom and it took me a long time to get to a place where I was okay being everyone's  favorite aunt and a fantastic fur momma. But since I found out right before the second trimester, pregnancy suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. It was hard on my body, I had previously had 4 knee surgeries and a one on my back, no more ibuprofen or muscle relaxers though.  Then my blood pressure started climbing, I had already been deemed high risk and called geriatric (thanks to the doc that came up with that one for every woman 35+). I was checked in for monitoring 5 times, there was a lot of stress at home, baby prepping, our floors were being redone, I had every symptom in the book, and my house was a disaster. Stress was high at home and it seemed everytime they would check me in. I would turn the lights down, TV on, brain off and it would go back down. Then the joys of bedrest while you stare at the piles of things needing to be done.  But on a random checkup the day after Christmas it read 200/100 almost instantaneous preeclampsia and  my baby boy was ready to meet the world. I had such a hard pregnancy, so during this emergency c-section at 35.5 weeks, I ended up getting a tubal. I wanted to give everything I had to this miracle. I didn't get to hold him for the first 24 hours! He was in the NICU, but the second that clock hit the time, I got my bed wheeled in and found the cure to my blood pressure, depression, and a feeling of purpose I'd never had. Having that 5lb, delicious smelling baby lay skin to skin and grab my finger... I finally experienced that whole body encompassing love that people talk about when their speaking of their kids. I was in awe, my new person for life.  He was only in the NICU for 5 days working on his lungs, he got moved to the special care unit to put on a pound or so and learn to eat on his own, and you can bet we were at the hospital every single day to cheer him on. Our boy was passing all the tests with flying colors, 2 1/2 weeks later we were loading our very real baby into the car seat, terrified and filled with love and excitement! Grandma's were glowing, I was sad that my dad had passed and was missing out on the greatest thing in the universe, but so grateful for my awesome father-in-law and the rest of our big messy family. This kid was already loved so very much.  As every new parent knows, the first few weeks especially are feeding, learning, diapers, and 3 hour naps, if you're lucky. But there are also the magical snuggles and being the voice this baby recognizes and the one able to calm him down if he got upset. I was just filled to the brim with wonder and hormones. My body was still a train wreck, I was had such swollen legs it hurt to walk, but nothing mattered. Then on February 9th, I laid down for my nap at 4am, and woke up to the worst nightmare. My husband rushing in the bedroom holding Jack, on the phone with 911, he was unresponsive. I grabbed him and tried to wake him, then immediately began cpr, everything was a whirlwind, the EMT's rushed in and took him from me, we grabbed shoes, and didn't even shut the front door.  When we got to the hospital only about 5 mins away, I ran in and said my baby and rather than the waiting room we were taken straight back to one of the little rooms that anyone who has ever watched a medical drama knows is not good. My heart sunk, I was paralyzed, when the doctors finally walked in, my husband was frantically calling our parents and I was silent. The doctors proceeded to tell us what I knew in my heart, that our baby had passed. Our beautiful happy baby boy was gone, with the worst of all diagnosis in my opinion, SIDs. So, for no reason at all, no cause, no definition, nothing I could do or try, except to hate myself for being asleep. If I had checked in on him again, or put him in the bassinet with me instead of the crib with dad in his room, would I not be writing this? How is there even such a thing as something that causes the death of babies like this that all the medical community hasn't been able to figure out?  My heart was ripped out of my chest, I couldn't speak, I just kept replaying the last image of me giving this tiny baby cpr with no response.  2 days ago made it a month since his passing, a month, how? How am I here without him?  We were so lucky to have friends and family drop everything and drive or fly in to help and just to be here. I couldn't get out of bed, all the big dreams and even worse the tiny ones. His first smile, laugh and the first time this beautiful boy were created called me mom and I was the only one he wanted. This is so hard just to write out, I don't understand hire my body has tears left.  I don't know anyone else who has lost a baby this way. We read the books, he was in a swaddle, on his back, crib with nothing in it. I'll never get to know and that is so impossible to live with.  This go fund me is being set up because despite the hard pregnancy and the flood of tears every day. I would give anything to turn back time and not have decided on a tubal. Jackson will never be replaced, a giant piece of my heart is buried with him, but the purpose that I felt and the unbelievable amount of love I now know is in my heart ready to give to a child is the only thing I can hold onto. I want Jack to have a little brother or sister to keep his memory alive, I want to change diapers and chase toddlers. We have to try. My husband and I both need this.   We're not wealthy people, thank God we had family and friends to help us provide him with the beautiful service he deserved. Thank God for my mom who decided that he should be buried with my dad and the baby she lost before me so that he would be safe and never alone, in the plot saved for her some day.  Insurance does not cover anything on a reversal, and nothing is guaranteed to work anyways. Nothing is a sure thing, but if this doesn't work and we have to take out a second mortgage on the house I'll do it. Just for the chance for a try at IVF, or finding a surrogate, even private adoptions are so expensive.  But I'm not above begging strangers to help me if there's a chance for us to be parents again.  Even only being a parent for 6 weeks, I know now that it has to be in my future in any way possible.   I am asking you to please consider helping me afford surgery, I promise I will spend the rest of my life teaching my child and myself how far kindness goes. We may not have the money, but my husband and I have the heart to spread goodness in every way we can. If we can't raise enough money, maybe just knowing that there are others out there that have lost an infant to SIDs, maybe someone will stumble across this and can empathize or  know that they are not alone in feeling like a shell of a person who was robbed of their chance at motherhood.  It's worth putting out there.  I don't know who else to turn to, I know it's going to be a long hard road.  So this is my plea, help us get the chance to experience everything parenthood has to offer, every dollar will help. Thank you for reading my story and in advance if you decide to donate.