cw: mentions of assault, physical and sexual, mental health.

I don't know where to start really, I only know if I don't seek help I'll spend another 3 months quietly suffering and not wanting to bother anyone about it.

I've self sabotaged so hard by isolating, and I know one of the first things I need to do for myself is to stand up and say, I need help.

I'm so afraid to post this. I've begun to type this up so many times and never let myself share how I was feeling with you, out of pride, or fear. But I've been so moved by the people who open up when they are suffering, who can be raw and real and ask for help. That behavior saves lives. You can't suffer in silence forever and HEAL.

Which is what I need to do. And so I need to make a space to do that.

I have depression and CPTSD, and a huge trigger for me right now is my current living situation. For the last year I've been living out of my bus, in a lot, with a barely functioning outdoor bathroom/kitchen. Without getting into specifics, it's been a very unhealthy place for me to exist, and having to do so on top of this horrible gut wrenching year I've had has sent me into one of my worst depressive episodes.

My CPTSD always been disruptive of my life, but the last several months I've been non-existent. As a person, as a friend, as a being with a soul. Combined with some health complications, I've spent about 80% of my time in bed the last couple months. When I've managed to get up I'm met with either panic or major fatigue.

I feel so useless, I feel so guilty. I know that I am a motivated, hardworking, power-through individual. So why can't I pull it together?

I have to move into a real home, for my safety and for my sanity. I can't stay in this environment and heal. I'm too broken to navigate the challenges that come with where I live. The yelling, the harassment, getting sexually assaulted right outside my door, being followed.

But being this mentally and physically ill has majorly set me back financially. The last two jobs I've had I decided to leave, both related to sexual assault (no, I don't want to talk about it- please do not bring it up). And with my current living situation I cannot have clients over, which severely limits my income.

With my situation right now, if I don't get it together I'm going to miss my opportunity to move in with my best friend in January. We've been planning this for so long, we both started out sleeping on sidewalks and it took so much work to get to where we are, I just want to see those years of fighting pay off. I have one other plan, and that is to sell my bus and try and navigate homelessness with 3 animals while trying to move... It's really risky, and I absolutely don't want to sell my only piece of security, but it's all I have to offer.

So my last hope is to raise the money to help me move. Things will be significantly easier once I'm up in Sacramento, where my client base is stronger and I'll have the space to take clients, and find a day job.

I know a lot of people are struggling right now, and I dont want anyone to set themselves back trying to help me, but I can assure you I would never ask for help unless I truly needed it. And I know if I wait any longer I'll keep watching myself slip into a lifeless coma until I loose everything.

I'm sorry if this post is sad and dramatic, my life right now is pretty sad and dramatic, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So, I'll be accepting help here,
and through my venmo @CThargic

And I'll be taking commission art pieces for Xmas or whatever (peep my photos).

Anyway, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for making it this far. Thank you for caring. And thank you for considering helping me to become housed. Every bit would help get me closer to finally being able to breath. So thank you I can't wait to find myself in a place where I can pay the kindness forward.