Hart of Dixie Season 5
Donation protected
It is with the absolute pinnacle of humility that I ask you for $90 million to fund a fifth season of CW masterpiece Hart of Dixie. This show, which originally aired from 2011-2015, illustrates the full spectrum of the human experience. It featured steamy near-kisses in barns, the repeated verbal abuse of multiple baby goats, and an experimental turn into musicality that challenged the limits of both genre and the human capacity for emotion. Still not convinced? Keep reading, asshole.
WHY?
Together, we watched as Lemon Breeland metamorphosed from a canape of gaudy cruelty into a salad course of gaudy relatability. We witnessed the on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again romance between big-city doctor Zoe Hart and mercurial bartender Wade Kinsella.
Even Earl Kinsella's gritty journey through the labyrinth of his alcoholism--a journey that took place largely offscreen--culminated in a satisfying mental clarity.
There was also the redheaded girl named Anne or something. The one who sang the lead in the "Roar"/"Brotherhood of Man" mashup? You know, her.
If the characters in this show are somehow not enough for you, please remember Lavon Hayes' positively rococo breakfast arrangements, and also go fuck yourself.
WHY $90 MILLION?
This question really perturbs me. Nobody asks HBO why it shells out $6 million per episode for Game of Thrones to superimpose CGI dragons onto a backdrop of naked breasts.
I reached this figure through months of calculation with the help of my actuary, Rhonda. The average season of Hart of Dixie is 22 episodes long, with the notable exception of Season 4, which received a gruesome field amputation after a mere ten episodes.
The fifth season deserves better. We're talking 22 mind-blowing episodes, budgeted at $4,090,909.09 each, which is still less than "Emmy Award-winning" "cable drama" Game of Thrones spent on ice-zombie brothel murders per fucking episode.
NO, BUT WHY $4,090,909.09 PER EPISODE?
All right, fine, clowns. Here's a list:
-Rachel Bilson doesn't answer my handwritten letters, which means she will probably require a hefty sum to induce her return.
-I would like to hire Grammy Award winners T-Bone Burnett and Rihanna to craft elaborate mashups for the actors to perform in various incongruous costumes.
-These costumes will be made by Oscar de la Renta himself, who is no longer with us and therefore will require an even heftier sum than Rachel Bilson.
-I need a minimum of 800 baby goats to adequately populate an extremely affecting scene involving Earl Kinsella and his personal demons.
-Earl Kinsella, by the way, deserves a fully developed character arc. I would like to increase the number of times he gets blackout drunk and walks along a municipal roof to at least once per episode. Also, the show teased us early on with shots of Earl burying thousands of dollars in mason jars on his property, and then denied us resolution. If you have any idea at all why he might have done this, please shoot me an email.
-I want to bring back Wade's jerk brother Jesse for an altercation choreographed by a team of professional Hollywood fight choreographers. This fight will end in Jesse's death and Earl's resultant spiral back into the dark pit of addiction. For this scene I need no fewer than 300 baby goats.
HERE ARE SOME SONG MASHUPS WE COULD DO.
I'll leave the arrangements to you, T-Bone and Rihanna, but these can't not happen:
-Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and "Seasons of Love" from RENT
-Carrie Underwood's "Blown Away" and Psy's "Gangnam Style"
-Drake's "Hotline Bling" and Leonard Cohen's "Suzanne"
IN CONCLUSION
Let's head back to BlueBell, y'all!
WHY?
Together, we watched as Lemon Breeland metamorphosed from a canape of gaudy cruelty into a salad course of gaudy relatability. We witnessed the on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again romance between big-city doctor Zoe Hart and mercurial bartender Wade Kinsella.
Even Earl Kinsella's gritty journey through the labyrinth of his alcoholism--a journey that took place largely offscreen--culminated in a satisfying mental clarity.
There was also the redheaded girl named Anne or something. The one who sang the lead in the "Roar"/"Brotherhood of Man" mashup? You know, her.
If the characters in this show are somehow not enough for you, please remember Lavon Hayes' positively rococo breakfast arrangements, and also go fuck yourself.
WHY $90 MILLION?
This question really perturbs me. Nobody asks HBO why it shells out $6 million per episode for Game of Thrones to superimpose CGI dragons onto a backdrop of naked breasts.
I reached this figure through months of calculation with the help of my actuary, Rhonda. The average season of Hart of Dixie is 22 episodes long, with the notable exception of Season 4, which received a gruesome field amputation after a mere ten episodes.
The fifth season deserves better. We're talking 22 mind-blowing episodes, budgeted at $4,090,909.09 each, which is still less than "Emmy Award-winning" "cable drama" Game of Thrones spent on ice-zombie brothel murders per fucking episode.
NO, BUT WHY $4,090,909.09 PER EPISODE?
All right, fine, clowns. Here's a list:
-Rachel Bilson doesn't answer my handwritten letters, which means she will probably require a hefty sum to induce her return.
-I would like to hire Grammy Award winners T-Bone Burnett and Rihanna to craft elaborate mashups for the actors to perform in various incongruous costumes.
-These costumes will be made by Oscar de la Renta himself, who is no longer with us and therefore will require an even heftier sum than Rachel Bilson.
-I need a minimum of 800 baby goats to adequately populate an extremely affecting scene involving Earl Kinsella and his personal demons.
-Earl Kinsella, by the way, deserves a fully developed character arc. I would like to increase the number of times he gets blackout drunk and walks along a municipal roof to at least once per episode. Also, the show teased us early on with shots of Earl burying thousands of dollars in mason jars on his property, and then denied us resolution. If you have any idea at all why he might have done this, please shoot me an email.
-I want to bring back Wade's jerk brother Jesse for an altercation choreographed by a team of professional Hollywood fight choreographers. This fight will end in Jesse's death and Earl's resultant spiral back into the dark pit of addiction. For this scene I need no fewer than 300 baby goats.
HERE ARE SOME SONG MASHUPS WE COULD DO.
I'll leave the arrangements to you, T-Bone and Rihanna, but these can't not happen:
-Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and "Seasons of Love" from RENT
-Carrie Underwood's "Blown Away" and Psy's "Gangnam Style"
-Drake's "Hotline Bling" and Leonard Cohen's "Suzanne"
IN CONCLUSION
Let's head back to BlueBell, y'all!
Organizer
Natalee Dawson
Organizer
Washington D.C., DC
