2019
To say that it has been a rough year, would probably be an understatement. I haven't had the best time this year (or the year before that, and the one before that.) I didn't know how bad it was until someone messaged me to ask how they could help, when I hadn't asked for it. From the recent loss of my best friend, to a crashing business that I'm no longer driven to fight for, to my own mental health. I can't hide it anymore that I'm not okay. So, here we are.
It has been really difficult for me to admit that I need this sort of help, but I opened up yesterday, to my parents, to let them know that I need to come home for a bit. I've reached a place in my career and my emotional state that it is almost paralyzing. The hole I'm in just keeps getting deeper, and I'm in a dark frame of mind. No matter how hard I try, the work I do doesn't pay for the cost of living anymore, even if I take on more and more and more to try and make ends meet. Most people don't want to pay a whole lot for art. I deliver with constant discounts that have hurt me in the end. It's tough to clean up a mess like that, when you're drowning. I don't have the mental power to give the same attention to things like I used to. The hustle just won't work.
I have gotten help (therapy), but those bills are also an expense. No matter what I do, there's another expense. Some of my responsibilities have been put on hold, because I don't have the power in me to keep up with them. I have a large income tax fee (to be paid in full by October) that is sitting and building interest. I have 30+ customers in my queue, and their money has gone toward cost of living, every day expenses, to keep myself fed, and to continue to get supplies to make even more work to keep the process going. The more I try to keep up with it, and attempt to provide myself with just a bit of an emotional break in between, something else happens. Currently, I'm waiting to call my vet, because my puppy has blood coming out of his bum. Keep bringing it on, 2019. I sometimes feel I've done something to deserve this. But, I recognize that my depression is talking, loud and clear.
Since the loss of my dog, Breakfast Jones, two months ago, it can almost be close to impossible to get myself out of bed and do my job (which is often to do with dog loss). The experience of his death was quite traumatic, even if I am not always conscious of this fact. I held his dead body, I watched him take his last breath, I had him with me for a while before I found a safe place to leave him in the right hands. It's very hard to put on a smile and function as an independent business runner, for so many people, waiting for me to do custom work... which ultimately comes back with more things for me to do. I cannot keep up with so demands, as majority of my work comes back with requests to do more... for less. It is a vicious process that keeps piling. I put my needs on hold, each day. Repressed emotion doesn't end well.
Yesterday, I picked up the phone to call my parents, when I thought a very dark thought about how I would love to disappear. I'm not suicidal in any way, but that's a very concerning thought. I've heard this voice before, as I recognize what depression, grief, despair, and crippling anxiety look like. This is why I made the call to say I need to go home, so this can stop. I can't keep up, I can't pretend I'm doing just fine, I can't do the same work I used to do, I'm not okay, I can't perform, and I'm not myself.
This GoFundMe is my own cry for help, and while many may view this as panhandling on the internet... I know from experience that people love to help. I've been asked by more than a few people how they can help, so here I am. I've been applying for jobs, working extra hours, I'm doing anything and everything to ease the pressures life has been dishing out. There is an end in sight, but yet it has felt close to impossible to get there. How do I keep up with the expense of moving, too? I can't even begin to answer that on my own.
When I get home, in October, I'm looking to pick myself up (and let my friends and family help me.) I'll be taken care of, I'll be around people I care about (some with limited time in this world), and I will have the ability to do the focused work, to clean up my business and take the courses I've been wanting to take, to ensure a brighter path and future ahead. I know I'll get through this one. It's just very hard to believe that there is a light at the end of this deep dark tunnel. One step at a time. I need to heal. I'm not okay.
2019, you've done a number on me.
