Peace for our Mema

Today my heart is heavier than ever. I have spent the last few weeks “premourning” the loss of my mother. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. Last night was by far the worst. I really thought this is it as I watched my mother stop breathing , gasp, and start again; she’s such a fighter and I’ll always admire that quality of hers. She has a heart of gold and would give you her last two cents if she felt you needed it more. Ive been sleeping in a chair in her room just listening to her fight for her life; the gurgling sound of unswallowed saliva keeps me awake. My eyes are so heavy and my body aches. I just keep thinking to myself I have to be here for her, I won’t let her go alone. Watching her deteriorate in such a small amount of time feels so inhumane, hospice staff is so morbid, and I feel so empty. My kids are so sad, my animals are down, and my husband stressed. I have no motivation to move forward but I know I have to keep pushing. I’m thankful that I took time to be with her while she was still coherent ; we can no longer hold any kind of meaningful conversation, she tosses, turns, and moans. I pray she’s in her happy place in her comatose state. Meanwhile I’ll be here holding her hand , talking to here , and letting her know that we will always love her deeply. Cancer is so ugly and I hate this for all of us, especially her. She doesn’t deserve this, no one does. Cancer is so ugly. This unfair diagnosis was unexpected and is taking her away too fast. Unfortunately, we have to prepare for the end sooner than expected... I don’t think anyone is ever ready. I know my mom is definitely not nor are we. In preparation I discovered my mom’s life insurance will not cover any of the expenses related to her death bc it has a stipulation for death within the 1st two years of having the policy. For whatever reason she decided to switch companies a little over a year ago. She’s declining fast and I know she tried to take the burden away from us but unfortunately insurance is what insurance is. I’m such an independent person and rarely ask for help, but I am struggling having taken on the role of her caregiver and now have added stress as to how I will be able to cover all these unexpected final expenses. This year and this moment has taught me that I really need to trust others and ask for help to take some of the load off. I’ve been carrying so much for so long. This year has been life altering for everyone in some shape or form so I understand if you cannot help, but anything helps and will be greatly appreciated. Please keep my mom, family, and friends in your prayers. Thank you for listening to me pour my heart out ❤️ God Bless you all! #CANCERSUCKS