I'm raising funds for an ADHD private diagnosis

Currently I feel worse than ever. I saw the psychiatrist last month and got a diagnosis. I'm not sure if it's correct or the whole picture. I felt that the psychiatrist had already made up the diagnosis and what medication to prescribe before I even walked through the door. I wanted to try two medications - Bupropion, which would help with my crippling lack of motivation and task saliency, and Agomelatine, which would help with anxiety, depression, and my sleep (as it's an SSRI and melatonin combo). Not only did he berate me for daring to even suggest medications myself (whatever happened to patient choice?!), but he also had never even heard of Agomelatine! (It's a fairly new drug on the market, but it is prescribed on the NHS... believe me, I spend A LOT of time researching everything to do with my mental health in order to try and understand myself better!).

Anyway - NOPE! I was given a prescription for something else and yet another SSRI to try. Despite me saying that SSRI meds give me apathy. (I've been on and off SSRI meds for 22 years now).

The new meds have to be slowly introduced, but so far, after a month on these, all they have done is make me feel worse. They have made me feel totally lethargic and have made my lack of motivation even worse (I didn't think that was possible, but there we are!). I want to see this through - Reddit forums say it should get better soon, so I will persevere.

I'm on the waiting list for ADHD diagnosis, but it's like 5+ years to wait... I looked at going private, but it's £3000+, plus prescription meds charges each month, and 6 monthly checks etc which all cost insane amounts of money. Because I live in Wales, I'm at a huge disadvantage. We don't have 'Right to Choose', nor can we get GPs to take over private prescriptions once a diagnosis has been made. If you go private, it stays private.

The most heart breaking and frustrating thing for me is that I KNOW that ADHD meds work for me. I have tried them (Lisdexamfetamine) over the course of several months, as a one-off. Never in my life has a medication ever worked for me, the way these meds did. My brain felt switched on, I could focus, I wanted to get up, do things, reply to messages, communicate with people, socialise - but also, I felt very calm. These meds made me feel complete - the missing part of my brain. It felt LIFE CHANGING!

And yet... I feel like there's so much gatekeeping where ADHD is concerned - it feels like I'm not allowed to be ADHD - as an adult in her mid-40's, living in Wales, I feel totally unheard. I feel like there's no help, and no hope. I'm sick of the "Well, we're all a bit ADHD aren't we" kind of comments. And of the TikTok lot that seem to have every diagnosis under the sun. I felt like the woman from my local health team saw me as another self-diagnosed Tiktoker. So far my experience of local NHS metal health services has felt VERY discouraging.

Honestly, I am absolutely crippled by this... whatever it is I have. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind and body. I'm really neglecting myself, I'm struggling to do daily tasks, housework. I do not socialise, I avoid going out into town to do shopping, I don't interact or engage with anything. I'm reclusive and always have been. I cannot focus and I'm distracted beyond belief. I'm disorganised, chronically late, and unable to go to bed till 4am because no matter what, I'll get fixated by something and end up staying up late - or I'm just trying to catch up because I was unable to get stuff done earlier in the day.

The meds I've been prescribed now are just making me feel even more depressed. Just the other week, I was singing as I was driving home, and as I drove past a wall, I suddenly thought about slamming the car into the wall. Just a flick of the wrist would do it. Of course I don't want to do that, but it's fucking scary when thoughts like that just pop into your mind.

Because I say I don't actually want to end it all, I'm not treated as priority, and I feel there isn't much that anyone can do.

I'm 45... I just want to get on with my life.. I've got so much that I want to do. I'm going to be in my 50's by the time I get a diagnosis... That's IF I really am on the list. I don't even know for sure! I need this sorting out now. I seriously do not know if I can do another 5 years minimum of being like this. I'm so broken.

The only way forward I can see is to go for a private diagnosis. I don't hold much help in the NHS helping me, unfortunately.

I haven't been able to work (a 'proper job') for a long time. I do not receive any benefits or help in any way. I am barely surviving, with part time life modelling my only income. I'm thousands of pounds in debt.

I've created a Go Fund Me, as I don't know what else to do. I don't know if anyone wants or is even able to contribute. I appreciate we are all feeling the pinch right now, so I do not expect people to donate. However, if you feel this is something you can help with, then your donation will be very much appreciated!