Help Me Become Unreasonably Comfortable and Rich

Look, I’m not asking for much. Just $87,000 so I can achieve the kind of comfort that makes billionaires look like they're roughing it.

What will I do with this money?

Glad you asked.

The Plan:

$22,000 – One mattress so soft it erases regret

$16,000 – A couch that hugs back

$9,000 – An ergonomic spoon for optimal cereal scoopage

$18,000 – Heated floors in my shower, closet, fridge, and emotional support corner

$6,000 – A Roomba army with little berets so they clean with style

$10,000 – Snacks. All of them. Every single one.

Why now?

Because life is short. And my back hurts. And I once stood up too fast and saw God.

Stretch Goal ($250,000):

I buy a miniature island and name it “Cushionvania.” You’re invited. Bring snacks (but not the good ones — those are mine).

No donation is too small. No level of comfort is too excessive. Together, we can turn mildly cozy into criminally luxurious.

Warmest regards (literally — I’ll be installing a fireplace in my sock drawer),

An Overworked, Under-Pillowed Legend