Please Keep Me Going
Here’s the summary:
I have been living partially from Social Security payouts and my meager savings in order to meet my most basic living needs, but will be running out of the savings fairly soon. I volutarily lead an austere life. I eat at home, never go out to eat. I do not attend any paid events. I'm unable to reciprocate when folks invite me out for something and unless someone pays my way, I can’t visit my out-of-state friends. This is troubling, but not unbearable and, in fact, in some ways provides some good life lessons.
However, my debts to various banks and medical institutions are such that I need a little over $700 a month above my Social Security payments to maintain. The first thing to go would be the car and its insurance. Living quarters would be next.
A total contribution of $8400 would provide enough to allow me to continue living austerely, as I do now, for another year, possibly more. In the meantime, I hope to be able to regain the range of motion in my right shoulder and play guitar for the funds I need.
Whether you know me personally or not, please do not feel in any way uncomfortable or unhappy if you are unable or unwilling to put something into the kitty. If you were to have sent me a similar plea, I’d be unable to help, and would feel bad about it, but you can’t give what you don’t have. The point of my life is to help folks, not make them feel bad.
Now here’s the full backstory, inlcuding my abridged autobiography.
I’m 73, an only child who was born into a reform Jewish family. My parents both worked—my mother started after I was old enough to be left alone. I worked and borrowed my way through undergraduate school, graduate school and professional (nursing and martial arts) schools.
Apart from the usual part time jobs, I have held three main careers in my life: college instructor in psychology and religions, senior martial arts instructor in a meditative karate style (Uechi-Ryu Karate-Do), and Registered Nurse with ER and Hospice certifications. 
Along the way I published a book,
Postcards of Nursing: A Worldwide Tribute
(This is a live link: you can click on it to see the book. Cool images of nurses.)
Although I was born Jewish, I am a practitioner of Karma Kagyu Buddhism, have studied zen, and am a Daughter of Charity nurse, (a Catholic lineage.) Having absorbed the teachings of at least three religions mandates me, above all else, to be kind. Learning kindness is an ongoing process and, as we all know, does not always lead down the easiest path. For example, when I was in the ER I treated, during the same shift, a Catholic Cardinal and a former Nazi guard, both of whom received the best compassionate and technical care I could provide. (That's what nurses do, but I still had to have hard inner dialogs with my better self to be able to do it honestly.)
I’ve always lived alone, currently in a 600 sq. ft. condo (my mortgage is underwater) and my life has been passably good until recently, when I was forced to leave my hospice job and my physical condition started to deteriorate. I have spinal stenosis, peripheral neuropathy, osteoarthritis, a damaged shoulder which was unable to be successfully surgically repaired, and a hearing loss which makes it impossible to do tele-nursing. It's also difficut to converse over a dinner or conference table. It’s difficult to walk--I manage with crutches even though my right shoulder will not permit full weight bearing--hard to sit for more than short periods at a time. It's also currently impossible for me to position my right arm correctly over my guitar, and having to give that up is one of the more discouraging outcomes of my injuries.
However, the good news: Physical therapy says I might be able to play again after more conditioning designed primarily for me to be able to lift the arm high enough without strain. This means that I will be able to fulfill the original reason for learning to play in the first place--to play for patients or shut-ins--while at the same time build enough on what I know to set up at street events, open mics and so forth. $150 per week in tips and such does not seem horribly out of range. 
Meanwhile, I've tried to improve my situation by joining social and support groups, seeking employment, doing volunteer work and so on; I've even tried professional psychosocial and medical counseling. After months of this, there seems to be only limted success.
But I now have a chance at self-sufficiency while at the same time doing something nice for people. My repertoire is Celtic classical, and it makes people feel good to hear it even if I'm not a partcularly proficent player. I'm a long way from professional but I have learned by playing for hospice patients that playing from the heart, honestly, incuding mistakes, is received better than perfect technique.
To me, there's little point in existing if you have nothing to share or contribute. I spend most of the day meditating, day-dreaming, reminiscing, dozing, looking at the computer or reading, plus upkeep of course. I sit outside on benches and look at the people and the wildlife, occasionally hobble or wheelchair myself through a museum. My best friend, Lucydog, shown in the picture , has left me and I miss her terribly.
So, it had occurred to me, in some of my blackest moments, that my work having perhaps been finished, it may be time to leave. And yet, many of my friends and acquaintances--even strangers-- tell me, “No! No! We want you to stay. We need your presence, your light. You don’t know what the future may bring. ”
Perhaps.
But when I proposed that if anyone wanted me to stay, perhaps they might consider helping me out financially to do so, one person said he considered it a form of blackmail--paying me to stay alive-- and wanted no part of it. Another pointed out that some of my friends might be embarrassed to not have the resources to contribute. Yet another mentioned that my situation was nowhere near as dire as many on this site, and I should not be taking money away from them, that I was whining. All correct to some extent.
My original solution to the financial considerations was that is that if I could arrange for all donations to be anonymous, that would solve the potential financial embarrassments and other related problems. However, after speaking with the GFM administrators, it appears that although contributions can be made anonymously with regard to other contributors, I would know who they are. There no way around this. But as per my opening remarks, please don't worry about whether or not you can afford to help at this time. And if you have suggestions for me, such as something I might be able to do for you, or for someone slse, please tell me.
And that’s my story. I'm a bit embarrassed myself to have to tell it: I had wanted a maturity for myself which might have been a bit more emotionally stoic, but this is what I've got and who I am. Thank you for listening .
GOFUNDME URL:
gofundme.com/7y-keep-me-going
or
https://www.gofundme.com/zwrdl
Thank you.
Z.
Michael Zwerdling, RN, CHPN
P.O. Box 1377
Palm Harbor, FL 34682
