Holding on to the Edge

Like so many others, I never imagined I'd find myself posting a plea for a lifeline on a crowdfunding page. 

If you've been through a devastating divorce, you know what it's like to suddenly have your life ripped out from under you, and to suffer the anguish of the aftermath.

The costs - both emotional and financial - are overwhelming, nearly debilitating.

We were already in dire straights soon after our daughter was born (due to the recession, a job loss, and the consequent shortsale of our house), when my soon-to-be-ex (who had become increasingly untrustworthy, hostile, and at times aggressive) cut off all accounts, took out a huge loan, and moved in with an escort. 

[I would later discover that this escort is a felon with a serious history of drug abuse, and would go on to encourage her only daughter to become a sexworker the day she turned 18.]

At my ex's insistence, I'd spent our daughter's first few years working part-time at her preschool, taking on telecommuting contract work and making money when I could.

So, I didn't have a steady job yet at the time of the separation (our daughter had just started kindergarten). I couldn't afford to move out of the apartment we'd been renting, and had nowhere to go (my family is back East, but I can only leave the state with an approved court order).

I was faced with the reality of how vulnerable the decision to be the primary "at home" parent had made me. A diminished network, a stale set of skills, and a spotty job history made it harder to land enough adequately paid work to afford to continue living in Seattle.

I brushed up on technology trends and took on whatever employment I could find, but what I do (writing and editing) is more often short-term contracted work, without job security or benefits. I had almost no one to turn to if my daughter was sick, or I needed her to be picked up from school. I spent hundreds of hours attempting to figure out legal documents and procedures, and seeking assistance wherever I could. 

Meanwhile, my ex repeatedly refused to tell me where my daughter was when he had her, or who was watching her (turns out it was the escort), which was highly unnerving and elevated my panic. I discovered that the police can do nothing without a court order.

He had expressed that he would not tolerate any such legal action on my part, and had even gone so far as to file for full custody, which made me fear reprisal.

My ex has access to a lot of money from his family, and his mother has expressed that she would "take" my daughter from me.  I wanted to do all I could to prevent backlash, and keep as much access to my daughter as possible. 

[To this day, my ex continues to withhold information, rarely even communicating adequately for our daughter's benefit, no matter what strategy I apply. ]

I consulted legal resources and several lawyers (but could not afford the $5,000-$35,000 required to hire one to represent me). As it turns out, there is no pro bono or low-cost representation in family court as there is in criminal court; only help with checking documents and guidance regarding procedure. I turned to authorities, counselors, and friends, but got nowhere.

The mediation and court proceedings were brutal. His mother and some other close family members turned on me. Nearly every attempt I made to advocate for myself and my daughter failed.

My ex, after 10 years of working for the same company and being promoted twice, had been suddenly, mysteriously, fired, just before our trial. The judge decided my ex only has to pay me less than $150/month in child support and zero alimony. This is less than what my mother received after my parent's divorce 30 years ago. 

This past summer, the company I was working for shut down. I applied for many new positions over the last few months (and even ventured into going back to school), but it appears that landing a solid, reliable, full-time job has become much more difficult as an older candidate, especially after 5+ years of part-time work.

The stress has caused both physical and emotional trauma. I did all I could to keep it together and provide consistency for my daughter...but things have now completely fallen apart.

There was no way I could pay the skyrocketing rent or stay on top of our bills on my own without any savings or credit, despite whatever contracts and assistance I was able to find. I fell several months behind on rent, so I've sold what I could, reached out, and have been trying to get help through local agencies. 

I have every intention of becoming financially stable again, and to take the best care of my daughter that I can. Without your help, I fear we will be evicted shortly and become homeless.

Maybe it's possible to avoid that, and then I can regroup, find work, and move. Eventually, I hope to resume contributing to our community and 'pay it forward'.

I am so grateful for every one of you for helping in whatever way you can. I want to be able to do that again, soon. 

I intend to share what I've learned in order to show other women how to prepare for - or better yet prevent - what I'm going through. It seems that I'm far from alone in this situation, unfortunately.

However, if you're able to support me through this dark time in my life, I pledge to multiply your generosity in every way possible.

For a long time, I struggled to figure all of this out without alarming my family and the community I now live so far away from. I thought I could do it on my own, but it's nearly broken me. So I'm reaching out to my roots, and turning to you,

If this was just about me, I wouldn't ask. Anything you offer will ultimately be for my daughter's sake.

Please feel free to contact me at natasha (dot) [email redacted] - I will gladly answer any questions and explain more in detail.

I wish you the best of luck in this new year, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring.

Please forward the link to your circles: https://www.gofundme.com/natashamcc 

Take care. - N