Need Help Exiting Abusive Relationship

Hi, my name is Jill and I need some help. I'm going to start with the cliff notes and then move on to my story, for those of you that want a broader understanding. Wow! This is scary. I have been in an extremely emotionally abusive relationship for the past 13 years.

Cliff Notes: A few weeks ago my significant other decided to blindside me via text with a break-up (AGAIN), while I was out of it recovering from having a tumor removed from my parotid gland with complications. My next option was to stay in the home we currently rent together, with my son, which he knew I couldn't afford since I'm on a fixed income, and he knowingly blew through my savings OR be out of this house in some crazy amount of days that changes constantly, solely as intimidation and a threat. In the past, he was able to kick me out immediately because we had lived on his family's property and he's getting angrier with each passing day because that isn't how the real world works. He has turned my phone off, so I have no contact with anyone unless I'm on wifi. Everything this man does has intent, even his silence. My car is in his name and I'm constantly waiting for it to be repossessed, even though it is paid current. He got really mad the other day because the cops wouldn't arrest me for doing absolutely anything and said something that has made me jump out of my skin ever since. He screamed goodnight to our son, followed with "Your mom doesn't know how bad she just made it for herself." He has left my son and me homeless, penniless, and me very ill, 3 times in the past, but I've never been frightened like this. I'm an energy person and I'm telling you…..this is bad energy. I need to get my son and me out of here quickly but have no money to do so. This is an URGENT situation.

*This whole thing is a trigger warning and I have a foul mouth. This is also my life in real-time, so please give me a break.

For anyone that doesn't personally know me, I am a sarcastic, quick-witted, unimpressed person that loves to make people laugh. I am a free-spirited, music lover, wanderer that has never met a stranger. I am that friend in everyone's friend group, that comes with a warning. I'm a very loud, call it how I see it type person and have zero filter. I'm honest to a fault and have an incredibly kind heart. I love life, adventure, and I've been told several times that I have this "light" that the world needs, with a beautiful perspective that is different than 99% of the human population. I'm a mom, daughter, sister, and friend. I have also suffered with minimal support over the years because I didn't want to burden anyone with my issues. It is time for me to use this loud mouth that was gifted to me and speak for all of those that are in fear of doing so or feel the same shame I'm currently feeling. It's humiliating.

I have been in my relationship for 13 years. I will say a good 80% of those 13 years, I was told what a worthless piece of shit I was. I was blamed for everything. It was always my fault because I always make it about myself. When it was good though, boy was it good!! The good times were extravagant to blind me from the reality of how poorly I was truly treated. The manipulation and control started early on, now that I look back on this as a whole. These next bullet points are FACT. I'm not saying a word about anyone's character, but I will speak MY TRUTH. These past few weeks have been rough, where I don't even know if this shit is reality or some fucked up joke. It's impossible to get a thing done because I'm constantly jumping out of my skin, looking over my shoulder.

I'm about to give you a few examples of my selfishness and the reasons I must be deserving of this torturous treatment. I am not sharing this for people to feel bad for me. I DO NOT want a single person feeling bad or feeling sad for me. These are all trials that have helped me continue to grow into the person I am today and I know there will eventually be a lesson here.

*This is the 4th time he has pulled the sneak attack with zero warning or reason. It is always something about what is wrong with me and all he ends up doing is sowing his wild oats. The first time he pulled this I had a premature newborn baby at home, gestational age of 1 month. I was told he was paying the rent when he ran home to his mom. During a blizzard, there was a knock on the door and I had to grab anything I could and get out with my son. The 2nd time I had an almost 2-year-old, same lie, same eviction story. I drove 80 miles round trip for work each day because I could only get what I could afford with my peasant money, that meets the poverty guidelines, but I grossed too much to qualify for any assistance. My son was still in diapers and I had $40 left after bills, daycare, gas…..that $40 was for diapers and to feed both of us. I didn't get to eat very much. The 3rd time, he ripped my son out of my arms for 7 weeks, before a major double surgery I was about to have in 3 days. He wouldn't let me come home to recover. I ended up staying in our motorhome that we had parked at a campsite. It was August. I had no power, water, A/C, food, or clothes. I ended up getting extremely sick and was readmitted to the hospital for over a week. I had 2 IV poles with about 8 bags on each. Last time though, that was THE LAST TIME! That was a boundary I set back in 2016 and it helped me tremendously this time around. His MO has always been the same. Blow through whatever money I have, start destroying my self-worth/self-esteem, and then toss me to the curb like trash with nothing. I've been controlled and manipulated, to where I always made an excuse as to why I deserved any of it, why I made him do those things, and just took it like a champ.

*Very quickly after we met, I came down with a pregnancy and C. Diff at the same time. I found both of these things out in the emergency room before getting admitted for how truly sick I was. We eventually found out that I was pregnant with a little girl. One day, I went to a regular check-up and they couldn't find her heartbeat and immediately sent me to the hospital, where they also did not find it. They allowed me to go home and shower before starting the induction process. If this wasn't already traumatic enough, the moment I arrived at the L&D department I was immediately told I would have to make arrangements for our daughter because of how far along I was in the pregnancy. I lost my mind and just kept shouting "This isn't what was supposed to fucking happen!!!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!" As hours went by, my partner decided he was tired, wanted to shower, and this was just too hard for him. He left. A few hours later I went through the most traumatic event of my life, all by myself. When I delivered our stillborn, I was completely alone because the nurse went to go get a cath. While she was gone, I felt a gush and pressure. It was me and Henry & Karen Hill running from the Feds in "Goodfellas". It was a nurse that held my hands and cried with me after I held my daughter and while filling out all of the paperwork for her cremation. You know the excuse I gave for him not being there, as if it was acceptable? 'It's ok. He doesn't like hospitals."

*The premature son I mentioned earlier. That was a very dangerous and complicated pregnancy. I was on bed rest at home for 6 weeks and had to live in the hospital permanently at 20 weeks. I hemorrhaged my entire pregnancy. It wasn't small hemorrhages either. I'm talking cantaloupes and my house looked like an actual crime scene. I had to discuss my wishes to save my baby and not me. Some scary shit. Before I had to live in the hospital, he would go out quite frequently. I sat at home alone A LOT. The excuse I gave for that was 'He shouldn't have to stop his life because I can't do anything.' Then when I had to live in the hospital, I looked forward to the 3- 15 to 30-minute visits I would get from him each week, on WEEKDAYS ONLY. He hated hospitals, what could I do? Then my son was born. I wasn't allowed to touch or hold him until he was 4 days old. This was my 5th pregnancy, only live birth, so this was my miracle baby. I was elated, feeling a love I never knew existed. On the 4th day, when they pulled my child out of the incubator for the first time for me to hold (one hour a day over one hour long feeding that started with a teaspoon) my significant other couldn't be bothered to stay for longer than two minutes or take a photo of me holding my son for the first time. He walked out the door to go to a house party. A couple of days later, I learned he was talking to another female all day, every day while I was pregnant. The first time I held my son, he couldn't have been out of the double doors of the NICU for more than 5 seconds before texting her. What the fuck was I going to do about it? I was postpartum, constantly pumping, and sitting in the NICU alone with my child for 18 hours a day, who was fighting for his life. I had much bigger fish to fry and there was now someone way more important than me.

*A few more examples of the very selfish person I am, that doesn't deserve an ounce of respect.

-We were split up and he was completely broke. Didn't have money for his daughter's birthday or Christmas. The peasant, single mom stepped up to the plate though because I didn't want her to go without. I wasn't invited to the $150 dinner at Texas Roadhouse that I paid for, couldn't see the excitement on her face when she opened her gifts and wasn't even able to get a slice of the cake I provided. I ate Ramen.

-His mother passed away. He and his sibling didn't have two dimes to rub together. I had the money and paid to get his mom out of the Cook County morgue and cremated, or she would've sat there for weeks. I did end up getting reimbursed through the estate, so maybe that makes me selfish. That shit isn't cheap though.

-He decided to move to Florida because the governor of Illinois pissed him off. I honestly paid no mind to it when he brought it up, but 3 days later I was told "I'm leaving for Florida tomorrow. I start a job in two days." Ummmm…..what?!?!?!? As he went to Florida, I was left behind with both children, had to tie up every loose end, pack up a house, and finish up his prior commitment of being our son's head baseball coach. I sent every penny I had to get us in the house we currently live in, before I was even here. Our son and I lived off $6 of Aldi food split between us before I got down to Florida and I survived off the kindness of my friends who became my family. They made sure to fatten us up during each goodbye. Then when I finally got here, it was like being in a prison. My measly $1,200 check went towards our $1,100 rent for months. I had no money for gas and had to sit in the house, while everyone was at school or work. I was in absolute seclusion. I'm a fucking smart person and did smart things every time he's pulled this crap. Last time, I paid rent on an apartment I was no longer living in because I needed a cushion for "next time". I finally got my settlement after I fought for disability for 2 ½ years back in 2020. Looking at the bigger picture now, that is when the subtle control and manipulation started again. Nothing of ours was connected. I had all of my bills, as did he. When I got my settlement, I had to get us caught up for several months immediately. That is when it slowly turned into "It would be cheaper if we put this together." You have to understand, typically abusers are very charming individuals. This person I've spent the past 13 years with, is so good at what he does, he can convince anyone the sky is purple.

-Since he has made this decision, the only reason I got was "You just won't understand." 13 years and I get 4 words via text message. The night he started going for my jugular, making fun of my personality, telling me how awful I am, and how HE'S struggling with the changes my body is going through because of health issues…..it was on the anniversary/birthday of my stillborn daughter while dealing with excruciating pain and infection from having a tumor removed from my fucking head!!!! Remember, I said there is intent behind everything he does. The only thing I could say was "I'm sorry I didn't check in with you, to see how my changing body affects you. I was a little busy staring at my balding eyelids and wondering why I have lost 50 pounds in 6 months and had zero muscle left. That is selfish of me." The reason I think I had so many complications is that 2 days after surgery, it was just too hard to continue taking care of me or household things. I had to do it. If I didn't figure out food for myself, I would've starved. Which Is very similar to when his strep throat trumped my emergency gallbladder surgery and less than 24 hours after surgery, I was on my knees bathing my son because his throat hurt. I was brainwashed early on though to know that my shit will never compare, no matter how serious.

I know I am going to lose people that I love very much, that I have considered close family and friends, just for writing this. Some people think I should continue to suffer in silence because this is personal and can ruin someone's reputation. Guess what I say to that? Be a better human that doesn't do shitty stuff and you wouldn't have to worry about it. This person has not once cared what I have thought these past few weeks, but certainly told me to lower my voice so the neighbors don't hear me. For him, it's all about perception. I've been told several times how unimpressive it is when I act like my authentic self. I've been told l what a positive light I am by thousands of people, but all those people are wrong. I have been told I have fooled everyone and he's the only one that truly knows me. I was told that I would be the only person in history to not make a penny in stocks or crypto and that I should just pull my money out. Two weeks before him blind-siding me, he asked me if I could close my pension because we needed money. That is the only reason I even thought of my pension and trying to close it down, which I still haven't heard a thing about. It's not like I can call because he had my phone turned off. I need to escape this environment because it's extremely toxic, abusive, and just overall gross. I'm not sad about the fact that my relationship is ending. I'm devastated at the fact that I gave someone my all every single day that we were together. He has chosen to continue treating me like this and I believed I deserved all of those things above.

This is not easy to share. I just know that there are many others in my position and they will never speak up on the matter because of the shame and embarrassment we feel because we've been told how embarrassing we are for years. I'm usually a very private, unemotional person, who just deals with things. I'm not one to share my trials and tribulations because I just figure it out. So right here, right now, I am being more vulnerable than you have ever seen me be. I'm sharing skeletons and deep dark secrets, which I know are both terrifying and brave. I want everyone who has never been in this situation to see what a mindfuck emotional abuse is. I'm super smart, I'm super clever, and yet I still fell for it multiple times. This is why women don't leave when shit first gets bad. Some of us are stripped of everything and we often say "Well what the fuck can I do about it? I'll continue to deal with Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde in 6-month increments, just waiting for the love bombing to begin again. It is really sad and heartbreaking quite honestly.

Very different light has ignited in me this time around. I'm not begging, desperate, or fighting for my family. I've done that 3 times before and I'm done. I'm in a really bad spot and it's scary. Both my son and I are jumpy. This is urgent and I finally had enough of a lucid moment, when I don't feel completely out-of-body, to type this up. I'm trying to get my son and me out of here safely and with some of our things. I had to be logical with a goal because I have been through this with him 3 times before and fucking someone over doesn't come cheap for the one getting screwed. I'm very frugal though, so I cut that actual number in half. I'm trying to get us out comfortably enough where I'm not worried about how we will eat or if we have a roof over our heads. I can't go into this a homeless person again with no means because he is waiting for any reason to rip my son from me, in the same way, he is pushing my buttons, and waiting for me to go off, so he can have me physically removed. He is trying to sweat me out. Yes, this is the current nastiness that I'm living in, but I'm also very excited to start the first day of the rest of my life. There is a calm and comfort to me when it comes to thinking about it. I don't have any idea where life will lead me and my son, but I do know I'm ready to fuck shit up all over again in this next chapter but do it on my terms. I just have a very good feeling about it.

So if you can help in any way, it would be greatly appreciated. Even if you can't help with a monetary donation, please share my story. I want other women to know they are not alone. If I had to go through all of this bullshit and it helps one person, then it makes it almost worth it, if I can help someone else. I think this is a very important story to share because of how many women suffer through this.

Lastly, I want everyone to understand that we aren't dealing with your typical, controlling abuser. I'm going to preface this next statement by saying I am not a doctor, nor am I qualified to make a diagnosis. This is from my own personal experience, many years of therapy confirmation, and from my own research. The abuse I'm dealing with here is severe narcissistic abuse and financial abuse. That is what makes this situation even more frightening. Please, I urge everyone to research it. You might be able to help someone else.

Thank you,

Jill Rutherford