hi! i'd like to stay anonymous in GREAT fear that my father will find this, so you can call me heart. I desperately need to get out of my house by december.

i am an 18 years old, afab, autistic and disabled. i am not able to work because of many disabilities i have, none of which are able to be diagnosed. the only things i have diagnosed are mental disorders; bipolar depression and generalized anxiety. even if i had no physical disabilities, i am too mentally unstable to work. i would have public mental breakdowns if i were to work.

i'm trying to move out to move in with my girlfriend. bless her sweet heart. she's working so hard for me, 9 to 5 while still attending college, and i couldn't be more proud of her. i'm very thankful.

if we don't have enough money by early january, this is what will happen.

i will stay there for a month or so, and then come back to america. if i come back to america, i have to go back to my old home with my mother in another state. she's quite poor, so there is no ac there (feels like is 115F, 80% humidity.. it was torture), i had to constantly deal with maggots before i left (my mom left rice out once and it became a bowl FULL of maggots.. most disgusting thing ive seen in my life. genuinely, even things ive seen online werent as bad..) flies everywhere, my creepy incestuous brother lives there and i despise him because he tried to SA me when i was 9. it's a museum for all of my trauma. every single thing i've ever went through happened at that house. every part of that house that i can walk through, something deeply traumatic has happened in that spot.

i'd feel more comfortable with my mom alone, but i DO NOT want to go back to that house for the reasons i listed above. i'm already not doing well mentally. i don't know what that would do to me.

i currently live with my neonazi, racist (towards his own race..?), sexist, homophobic, transphobic, pedophilic, abusive father. i live in fear of him because he used to beat me growing up for little things (spilling something, forgetting socks, jokingly telling him to shut up, defending my mom, losing things, etc), and i've been arguing a lot with him recently because he's been defending the e. files, belittling victims, saying strangely pedophilic things. i cover up because when i wear something revealing (like just a tank top..) he'll VERY OBVIOUSLY stare at my chest. he also used to do meth when i was younger (and still does drugs if my half sibling comes over, such as coke or weed. he punched a hole in my wall on new years when he was on coke. yay.. i'd show a picture if it wasn't covered with a poster now.)

i'm going to be a bit vague because i don't know how this website works and i don't want my post to get less reach because of recent administration in america.

i get into constant arguments with my dad over things you'd think are basic human decency. he told me back in his day, there were "sluts" going around and that was normal back then. these women he was referring to were 15 year olds. he was saying this to defend the "files".. you know the files. the big bad "J" guy. he was defending big bad J because he's a conservative, and was defending the current US president. he constantly defends ice, the administration, etc. he's mexican and constantly discriminates against mexicans, so this makes.. zero sense to me.

as of my current living situation aside from things physically, i live in my father's guest room. it's cluttered, random things are in here, and it's difficult to keep clean. thankfully, it isn't too bad, but it feels like a prison i'm trapped in. i'll provide a picture of the clutter. it isn't too bad right now, but i just want to show the clutter. i cleaned it up a little throughout the year i have been here, but.. that side of my small room isn't usable. i only recently got a real bed from my nephew, since he got a new bed and i got his old one. i was sleeping on an air mattress for 7 months, an air mattress that would very easily deflate.

in terms of quality of life, my father often orders food for him and my nephew, getting nothing for me. i find eaten food in the trash, nothing for me. he doesn't make dinner often, but when he does, i fear whatever ingredients he used are expired. most things in the pantry are expired. i've since thrown plenty away, but i can try to find some to take pictures of how expired some of these things are. (i did end up taking quite a lot, along with the grossness of the house.)

one of the opened soy sauce bottles said it was from 2016. it's 2025, like.. jeez, man.. a ramen pack was from 2020, and i almost dropped it in fear of the biohazard that might be inside. maybe not too bad since it's.. mostly sealed, but nonetheless. there's mold around the house, not nearly as bad as my old home (mother's house), but nonetheless. lots of grossness in the old fridge.. i don't know what any of it is. there's.. generally just "grossness" around the house. i wash my hands constantly in fear i'll get sick by touching any of this. i can't deep clean because i'm, again, disabled.

i'm supposed to be moved out by december 14th and we're going to get an apartment together, but..

unfortunately, we won't have enough money for a place by then. she has about 4.8k in her bank right now. we'd need at least double that so we'd be stable enough until i get my work permit. unfortunately.. her mother isn't letting me live with them. the moment she found out we were dating, she refused. she was onboard before we told her. i wanted to be completely honest with her, but that honesty backfired. the ticket is already bought, but i can likely only stay for maybe a month. it might be less if her mom happens to not like me as a person, though, we got along well aside from her homophobia (and even that was guilty judgement), so hopefully not..

i need my GED to get my work permit as i was forced to drop out of high school in my sophomore year because of my living situation and mental health. i'm studying hard with her to get my GED at the moment, but i won't be able to work in time. even if i could get a job here, i'm too physically disabled. my knee constantly pops out of place and i have worsening muscle deterioration, symptoms of POTS along with heart palpations that i've had for a few years now. i can't afford a doctor, as my mother took me off of her insurance. even if i could, i definitely can't afford the medication i'd need. (that's what my dad told me, at least. i can't verify this.)

if anybody has anything that they could spare, every single dollar counts. i need as much as i can get.

i have suffered my entire life day in day out, been abused by my family and the people i have met, but i will never give up hope on my future or the people in my life. my girlfriend has given me an opportunity to live normally. to be comfortable going outside everyday without being scared, to see beauty, to eat 3 meals a day, to work, to enjoy studying like i have been recently. i never liked studying, but.. since studying with her, maybe i never really hated school.

i hated that nobody helped me. i hated that i was too afraid to ask for help.

THIS is me asking for help. i have never needed more help in my life. please bless my girlfriend and i with anything you have. please.

if you want to know more, i can try to provide more.

thank you.

i'm sorry if this was a lot to read. i want to provide as much context as possible in hopes of people empathizing with me. i need this. please help me.

please. i want to live in peace. you can make this happen. you.

i am an author, an artist, an aspiring musician, a young girl with big dreams and passions.

i don't think i can keep surviving like this for another year or even more.

so please.. help me so i can live with the one who's helped me for years, and has been my light at the end of the tunnel.

help me so i can get away from my abused past.

thank you. bless your heart.