Helen Barnard's Medical Fundraiser

My sister Chavi and I were blessed with a wonderful mother. My mom’s priority in life was always our well-being. She taught us how to be strong, to make sure we could make our own way. She taught us how to show everyone love and respect whether it was a janitor or the CEO of a company. Mom showed us how to appreciate the little things that actually held more value than material things. My mom showed us the true power of a mother's unconditional love! She is selfless and never wanted to bother people, even to a fault. Mom is the type of person that would bandage the other person bleeding before herself. Simply a beautiful person inside and out! She always had the mindset of a healer even as she was ailing. She often chooses to suffer in silence and because of that, catching how sick she was came without her telling us and regrettably too late for her to be healed.

Mom had been fatigued for many years, mainly from her struggles with diabetes. We would assist how we could while granting her desire to stay independent in her own place. It was one of the last things she felt she had. I would go by and clean, do her laundry, bring her meals, take her to appointments and my sister would help financially if needed from another state and order things she needed. Despite our efforts to show her how much we loved and appreciated her. Despite trying to give her something we knew she wanted, nothing could prepare us for how quickly her health would take a turn.

It started with me visiting Mom a few weeks ago to help out at her apartment after I recovered from a minor surgery. She had told me she was ok, but she wasn’t. She was not able to take out her own trash right down the hall, or get her mail. She didn’t have the strength to shower or clean her laundry. I assisted her in bathing because she was so tired and noticed one of her breasts had changed shape. Mortified, I told my sister and together we went back and forth with doctors' offices that were not listening to have Mom seen. We wondered why she didn’t tell us. When I couldn’t get a simple referral sent I took her to urgent care so that a different doctor could send a referral and eventually get an appointment. I could only get an early appointment that morning & Mom struggled. She could barely walk and fell needing assistance to get back up. I would later learn she was falling more frequently than implied. She used the last of her leg strength to get a diagnostic mammogram. The doctor expressed concerns and scheduled a biopsy the following week. Since my mother was falling and could barely walk, I took her to my house. I did everything she did for me as a baby or small child so she could rest. The rest wasn’t helping. She still wasn’t walking or even getting up to go to the bathroom. Still, she worried about the burden, still, she asked me to rest when I got home from work.

It became clear Mom wasn’t going to walk out of my house down my few stairs to go to her upcoming biopsy. It was clear a regular doctor's office wasn’t going to have her seen quickly or even run the right test. So I called an ambulance for my mother the night before her biopsy and had her taken back to the hospital. It was hard because I knew she wanted to stay “home”. Chavi explained and I explained I sat with her from 8:00 pm to 3 am while every test and question was asked. They decided to keep her and I went home exhausted but somewhat relieved my mother was with people that could care for her better than I. I also knew the news that was coming would not be good but hopefully something we could manage.

Since that night when the ambulance was called, there have been many more tests and several conversations. The conclusion that my sister and I face is our mother is dying and what we thought were primarily complications from diabetes ended up being cancer. Not only in her left breast but also spread to her brain, lungs, and bones. Not only was it already stage 4, she was also already showing signs of cognitive decline because of cancer in her brain. Repeating herself and having trouble remembering. Doctors can only slow it down a little but they can’t make it go away. All we can do for our mother now is make her more comfortable in the estimated 6 months or less she has left.

The goal now is to keep her comfortable. To ease her of any pain she may feel. Despite the card she was dealt like the mother she is, her concern is her girls. She has repeatedly stated she is ready to go “but then she thinks of us”. Mom has stated she is not afraid of death. She has only shown emotion when seeing Chavi and I upset. She was too tired to get certain affairs in order so now she worries about any financial burden. We have been discussing plans for her care after she is released from the hospital but in hospice, room and board are not covered under her insurance and the lease in her apartment isn’t up until the end of July. We want to place Mom in the best facility we can for her comfort and should there be any expense we can’t cover, we are hoping to gather a security net for the difference.

We don’t even know how much to ask for and much like our mother, it feels awkward to ask for help. Pride aside, we love our mother so we humbly ask for the help of our Family, Friends, and the kindness of strangers to help us ease the last of Mom’s worries and to be able to send her off the way she wishes after her passing. The shock and devastation of how quickly our time with her on earth is ending can’t be explained. She has had so much pain and trauma in her life yet remained a kind person. She is ready to go in peace and we want to ensure that peace.

If no one has told you, we have a final request. If your mother is healthy. Be grateful. If she is close enough to you make sure you visit frequently for hugs and conversations. If she is of sound mind ask her everything you ever wanted to know. If she is annoying you let her annoy you. If she sends you a paragraph-long text, don’t text back, pick up the phone and call her so you can hear her voice. If all else fails, always tell her you love her.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Her forever proud and honored daughters Valencia Thomas and Chavi Miles.