PTSD: My personal battle
Donation protected
For those that this might be reaching that aren't familiar with me; my name is Randall Johnson. I'm a Master Sergeant in the CA Air National Guard. I joined the Air Force at the age of 25. I've spent almost 1500 days deployed or on foreign soil. I deployed to Saudia Arabia immediately after Sept 11th 2001, I've deployed to Iraq, Africa, and have spent many days across that continent to include Chad, Sudan, Eygpt, Kenya, Uganda, Nigeria, Ethiopia, Djibouti, Somalia, Mali, and Niger. I'm sure I'm missing a few but that's all small talk. I've always dedicated myself to excellence in my efforts and the missions I've had the privilege to be a part of. There is of course a reaction, byproduct, residual effect, destructive force, whatever name you want to call it, that comes with 18+ years. Some things we don't recognize, don't talk about, find ways to mask, avoid, or bury internally. That is why I'm here, that's why I'm asking for help.
Early 2015 I had a suicide attempt that landed my in ICU, intubated, and lucky to be alive. I had been drinking heavily since 2004 and had come to a point where I was destroying myself, my relationships, and everything around me. After I was healthy enough to leave the hospital, I sought help from the VA and attended a wonderful 28 day substance use disorder program. I managed to hold onto my sobriety for 10 months; I'll save the relapse story for later. The lesson I learned in sobriety however was how much anxiety I had been masking for all those years. Extreme hyperarousal (onguard/hypervigilence), easy to startle, mistrust, avoidance, nightmares. Things I was able to mask with alcohol drove me to two more suicide attempts in the year and my relapse. I have no idea why the relapse happened but that's the common story. What it, and my last suicide attempt, intervened on by some people that truly care for me, made me realize I needed help with more than just alcohol. So, here I sit in the nation's leading PTSD program with research options, a quiet and supportive environment, and loads of people either supporting our recovery or sharing a similar story: our hiding and personal path of destruction from wounds that don't bleed.
Psychiatry is fantastic! They can load me up with meds to quiet the nightmares, meds to help me get to sleep, meds to curb any urges, meds to still the anxieties. They can fill my pill box but the truth is they can't quell the demons with medications. The memories, the thoughts, the fears, they remain. I don't want to participate in the chemistry class. I want what God has placed on this earth to heal me. I need to look into the sky, across the horizon, out into the ocean, see the sun glean as it evaporates and illuminates the dew across a green meadow. I want the energy placed and moving through our world to be my medicine. It's not a venture to be had alone however.
HOW SOON DO I NEED THE MONEY: I'm hoping to place an initial deposit within the next 30 days. That ranges fro $250 - $600. The balance for the animal would be due at pick up which I'm hoping for the first week of June. The remaining monies are paid monthly to the training organization. I'm not naming them here because I haven't received specific permission from them although if you ask me personally, I'll share. It is essentially $100/mo for 48 months of training. That's once a week I must participate in and I'm committed. Ideally, I'd just like to pay upfront. I expect training to start in August 2016.
WHAT WILL THE MONEY BE USED FOR: The unconditional energy shared between dogs and me is to be one of my theraputic interventions. I've found an organization to train a dog to be a PTSD service animal to meet my needs. I've committed myself to 48 weeks of training both for myself and the animal. While the organization gives a significant discount for veterans, the training will still cost approximately $4,500.00.
Additionally, I'm working between a few breeders and a Labrador rescue organization attempting to secure a puppy after my discharge and around the first week of June. The cost from a breeder ranges between $1500 and $2000. It sounds extreme however there's a lot to be considered and evaluated with a puppy in determining if it can serve effectively as a service animal and that's where the real value comes in. I have an affinity for Labradors. I had a Chocolate for 13yrs and when my son was born, that dog moved from my room to my son's bedside, not leaving it until he passed from this world. They have the temperament and intelligence both appropriate and desirable.
There are more costs as well. Service Animal registration, appropriate kenneling, safe and appropriate living environment, vests, vet costs, feeding. I've estimated and believe these initial costs will reach $1000.
Assuming I reach my goal, I expect there will be funds remaining so what where will that go? Any funds remaining, and I hope there is, I'll donate in the name of a veteran to the organization training my animal. I have no intent for personal gain outside of asking for assistance in my healing process.
WHY THIS MEANS SO MUCH: It's hard to express the trauma within. It's hard to understand why some are effected and others aren't. It's hard to empathize when you haven't been there, and it's hard to see a wound that doesn't stop hurting. PTSD is not something a pill or a bandage can repair. Time which for the victim, for me, means (This I Must Earn). I have to put in the effort as much as, if not more, than those teaching me coping tools that we 'hope' will help. I want this, I need this, I can't follow the road to hell I've walked for so long anymore. I believe in the energy and connection between humans and animals. I need that support, that unconditional willingness to respond to my emotions, my anxieties, and my restless sleep.
Thanking you for your donation cannot by itself express my gratitude. What I can promise in my expression of thanks is that each donation made in name will receive a response from me. I'll share with you exactly where your love and support has assisted me and I'll share my journey with my canine companion in our training and support for one another.
I have an amazing support system: my parents, my brother, my girlfriend, Tatsuko, whom I can't believe can contain so much love, commitment, and support within her. My parents have been by my side, my mother, I can't express enough the love she has given in light of the pain she has endured as I've faced and battled my demons: I love you Mom!
I hope to add you to the paragraph above. Please donate in name so I can fully express my gratitude and share with you my journey to peace. I've already named my Service Animal regardless of gender: Malu ka nohona meaning "Life protector; peace and tranquility".
One final Thank you. Thank you for reading all the way through, thank you for your donation, and most important, thank you for you support for my health.
Early 2015 I had a suicide attempt that landed my in ICU, intubated, and lucky to be alive. I had been drinking heavily since 2004 and had come to a point where I was destroying myself, my relationships, and everything around me. After I was healthy enough to leave the hospital, I sought help from the VA and attended a wonderful 28 day substance use disorder program. I managed to hold onto my sobriety for 10 months; I'll save the relapse story for later. The lesson I learned in sobriety however was how much anxiety I had been masking for all those years. Extreme hyperarousal (onguard/hypervigilence), easy to startle, mistrust, avoidance, nightmares. Things I was able to mask with alcohol drove me to two more suicide attempts in the year and my relapse. I have no idea why the relapse happened but that's the common story. What it, and my last suicide attempt, intervened on by some people that truly care for me, made me realize I needed help with more than just alcohol. So, here I sit in the nation's leading PTSD program with research options, a quiet and supportive environment, and loads of people either supporting our recovery or sharing a similar story: our hiding and personal path of destruction from wounds that don't bleed.
Psychiatry is fantastic! They can load me up with meds to quiet the nightmares, meds to help me get to sleep, meds to curb any urges, meds to still the anxieties. They can fill my pill box but the truth is they can't quell the demons with medications. The memories, the thoughts, the fears, they remain. I don't want to participate in the chemistry class. I want what God has placed on this earth to heal me. I need to look into the sky, across the horizon, out into the ocean, see the sun glean as it evaporates and illuminates the dew across a green meadow. I want the energy placed and moving through our world to be my medicine. It's not a venture to be had alone however.
HOW SOON DO I NEED THE MONEY: I'm hoping to place an initial deposit within the next 30 days. That ranges fro $250 - $600. The balance for the animal would be due at pick up which I'm hoping for the first week of June. The remaining monies are paid monthly to the training organization. I'm not naming them here because I haven't received specific permission from them although if you ask me personally, I'll share. It is essentially $100/mo for 48 months of training. That's once a week I must participate in and I'm committed. Ideally, I'd just like to pay upfront. I expect training to start in August 2016.
WHAT WILL THE MONEY BE USED FOR: The unconditional energy shared between dogs and me is to be one of my theraputic interventions. I've found an organization to train a dog to be a PTSD service animal to meet my needs. I've committed myself to 48 weeks of training both for myself and the animal. While the organization gives a significant discount for veterans, the training will still cost approximately $4,500.00.
Additionally, I'm working between a few breeders and a Labrador rescue organization attempting to secure a puppy after my discharge and around the first week of June. The cost from a breeder ranges between $1500 and $2000. It sounds extreme however there's a lot to be considered and evaluated with a puppy in determining if it can serve effectively as a service animal and that's where the real value comes in. I have an affinity for Labradors. I had a Chocolate for 13yrs and when my son was born, that dog moved from my room to my son's bedside, not leaving it until he passed from this world. They have the temperament and intelligence both appropriate and desirable.
There are more costs as well. Service Animal registration, appropriate kenneling, safe and appropriate living environment, vests, vet costs, feeding. I've estimated and believe these initial costs will reach $1000.
Assuming I reach my goal, I expect there will be funds remaining so what where will that go? Any funds remaining, and I hope there is, I'll donate in the name of a veteran to the organization training my animal. I have no intent for personal gain outside of asking for assistance in my healing process.
WHY THIS MEANS SO MUCH: It's hard to express the trauma within. It's hard to understand why some are effected and others aren't. It's hard to empathize when you haven't been there, and it's hard to see a wound that doesn't stop hurting. PTSD is not something a pill or a bandage can repair. Time which for the victim, for me, means (This I Must Earn). I have to put in the effort as much as, if not more, than those teaching me coping tools that we 'hope' will help. I want this, I need this, I can't follow the road to hell I've walked for so long anymore. I believe in the energy and connection between humans and animals. I need that support, that unconditional willingness to respond to my emotions, my anxieties, and my restless sleep.
Thanking you for your donation cannot by itself express my gratitude. What I can promise in my expression of thanks is that each donation made in name will receive a response from me. I'll share with you exactly where your love and support has assisted me and I'll share my journey with my canine companion in our training and support for one another.
I have an amazing support system: my parents, my brother, my girlfriend, Tatsuko, whom I can't believe can contain so much love, commitment, and support within her. My parents have been by my side, my mother, I can't express enough the love she has given in light of the pain she has endured as I've faced and battled my demons: I love you Mom!
I hope to add you to the paragraph above. Please donate in name so I can fully express my gratitude and share with you my journey to peace. I've already named my Service Animal regardless of gender: Malu ka nohona meaning "Life protector; peace and tranquility".
One final Thank you. Thank you for reading all the way through, thank you for your donation, and most important, thank you for you support for my health.
Organizer
Manu Forti
Organizer
Napa, CA
